西洋오랑캐

Happy belated New Year. Basically I had to format my computer on the second of Jan. so hence the delay, anyhow on with the show.

Ah…2002! A new year a new begining…lemme see how did it start ah yes…we visted my friend Shane’s domain and drank some beers (good ones this time mind you) and played X-cube or gamebox or whatever one it is. Anyway his brother and my brother are in same grade so my brother came along and he versed Shane in some sort of Madden game during which for some reason known only to the Taoist immortals i stood up with a mouth full of chips and bellowed “Your quarterback just got sack…” as you can imagine it is now a joke and is performed in a voice not unlike that of a retard. As for actual midnight I think there is a picture were I do that “V” thing with my fingers like Japanese school girls or Eric Roberts.

yup i did the same move…

Anyway as I’ve already told you my computer crapped out on me earlier but I was playing Dragon Warrior 7 on playstation so I wasn’t too concern, anyway I made efforts, namely reformating my computer to make the save.

Several days later, the Fifth of January I believe, I attended what would have to be THE WORST FILM EVER!!! This film would be Vanilla Sky, basically a 30 minute movie compressed into a 2 and a half hour film. The film didn’t start too badly…some preview for a new Mel Gibson movie…(ME to PETE: Is this a Mel Gibson Vietnam War movie?) Lo and behold it’s about the Vietnam war. I bet it is longer than 2 hours also. Why does M.G. only make historical epics now. Me and Pete had a joke about this fact a couple months back after watching Patriot and Braveheart. Anyhow, Pete built a flash animation of a film called “North vs. South” in which Mel Gibson is Abe Lincoln, anyway its a matter of months before our joke becomes a reality…I can see it now “HOUSE DIVIDED starring Mel Gibson and Sean Connory comming to theaters Christmas 2003.” Oh where was i? Ah yes on to the feature presentation.

Vanilla Sky can be summed up in two words but I think Tripod or Geocities or whatever site this is on will get me in trouble if I write them so I’m going to try and be civil. Tom Cruise plays some rich fucking ass hole who had the world handed to him when his parents died. You know the kind of guy he is, think back to any 1980’s film about business (Wallstreet comes to mind). Basically I hated him within the first 10 minutes. Well anyway I guess he’s telling the entire story to a shrink while in prison for a murder i guess. Anyway he’s some magazine editor who gets to nail Cameron Diaz but he is unhappy about that and wants to do Sophia who is some Hispanic woman. Anyway, Cameron Diaz drives off a bridge and crashes into a wall at a humours angle. I laughed about it. Then tom cruise has deformed and goes into depression. Anyway he goes out of depression and goes to a bar club where in the bathroom where some awesome heros tell him to and I quote, “Dude…fix your fuckin’ face!” the other dudes, with this character do some knee slap move with “Heh heh.” laugh…fucking brillant scene there. Anyhow some crazy shit happens, I don’t really know about it where Cameron Diaz comes alive and is Sophia or something or maybe that happened in the past, but was shown to us later in the film, because it keeps switching about in time and things of that nature. Anyway Tom Cruise gives to Cruise-missle to Cameron Diaz (claiming to be Sophia) but she pisses him off so he smothers her until she is a corpse…uht oh Tommy…that was real Sophia. So he’s in prison with Kurt Russel as a shrink. And then in the last fifteen minutes they go to some building where I guess Tom Cruise got cryogenically frozen where he got Chopper Deluxe package about living a dream…aka the entire movie was a sci-fi movie about Tom Cruise having a dream. Anyhow we didnt learn this until the last fifteen minutes. Whatever cugbackers.

Ok here are my beefs with this film. Basically it was attempting to be a rock-star, superstar, kung fu allstar art film. Art films don’t have Cameron Diaz in them…American Pie 3 has Cameron Diaz in it….if they wanted to make an art film Cameron Diaz should have been played by Gwenneth Paltrow aka refined Cameron Diaz. Ok here’s beef number two…they tried way to hard to be “poetic” everything was a metaphor even Cameron Diaz who was suppose to be a moron (think of a clean Courtney Love and thats what she was suppose to be) spoke like she was a fucking guru or something. The dialogue was either so drenched in faux-metaphors that it sounded like someone just strung together a bunch of fortunes out of fortune cookies or it was suppose to be a conversation you might have your buddy, but it seemed forced and akward. Lines like “don’t worry i’ll clean it up…” made me cringe at the way they were delivered. YO Shane, this film was basically cinema’s answer to Amanda Ronner poetry. What else is there?
Ah it did start with “Everything in it’s Right Place” off Radiohead’s Kid A, which is kind of nice, but alas, it was not enough. Anyway I do appreciate having seen it as i haven’t seen a truly horrid film in some time and seeing this helped for me to put into perspective what is good what is ok and what is (ok i don’t think Tripod gods are looking anymore) fucking shit.

Until next time keep the fist.