西洋오랑캐

Apparently Yon-sama and Winter Sonata aren’t enough to satisfy the Korean needs of those in Japan…apparently they now need to obsess about my girlfriend. Yesterday while shopping, a pair of women stopped her and asked her some questions about her gear and took her picture. It turns out they were reporters for a Japanese website / magazine about Korean fashion.

Here’s the afore mentioned wacky Japanese website in which my girlfriend is interviewed. Neither of us can read Japanese so we’ve no idea what is being said (she said they asked her more than two questions so she had no idea what ones were being used).

Yesterday began with an exciting trip to the bank to pay my bills. You see, here in Korea there are no such things as personal checks so when it comes time to pay the piper, there are a couple things that can be done. First off the company can withdraw the money from your account directly. This is the most convient, but to my knowledge only phone companies will do this. The second thing that can be done is go to the post office and give the clerk there the money for you bills. The final option is use the awesome bill paying machine at the bank. I’m not sure if all banks have this feature or just mine (KB), but anyway that’s what I did yesterday…or at least tried to do.

When I arrived at the bank there was already a line of people at the two bank machines. Finally when there was one woman in front of me, she did something that put the machine out of commission. A bank employee began work on it and told us to use the other machine. Again, ten minutes pass, the woman steps up to get her bank on and lo and behold, the machine crashes again. I believe at this point I proclaimed, “You gotta be kidding me!” After another 10 minutes or so a machine was up and running and I could final pay my bills…Hooray!

Now yesterday is the day I have my kindergarten class. They come in we read a story, play some games, sing, have a snack, and use a workbook in which 90% of the activities involve coloring. Yesterday’s class was really good. The kids were well behaved, and were doing really well. The workbook activity for the class was a connect the dots puzzle, that when completed formed a desk (they were learning about “classrooms” and “schools” this unit). Upon completion of the puzzle the students called out, “I’m finished!”

When the students finish their work (and after the proclaim loudly that they have done so), I check the work that they have done, and either give them a sticker or write something like “Awesome!” or draw a happy face or a star…something to show them that I approve of their work. Yesterday the two girls in the class finished first and wanted me to draw, “Princess please.” So I drew a couple of hastily assembled princesses. The boy asked for a prince. Below is an exact replica of the drawing the boy recieved.

Upon seeing this drawing the boy burst into tears. Granted I’m not an great artist, and I will never be doing police sketches for America’s Most Wanted, but there was nothing wrong with this drawing to bring on uncontrolled sobbing. I asked him what was wrong and between sobs he was able to give a one word answer: “수염 (su-yeom)…”, which means “beard.” “코밑수염 (Komeet su-yeom)” is a more accurate translation for “moustache,” but I got the picture, and learned a valuable lesson: moustaches make small Korean children cry.

The other day was a momentous day in that my study of 漢字 (Chinese characters) was tangibly useful. I mean knowing 漢字 in a Korean context is a lot like knowing latin in a latin based language. If one knows a great deal of characters it becomes easier to guess at the meanings of unknown words.

For example the character 不 (아닐 / 불[부]) is kind of like the English prefix un- or in, so if one were to see the word 불편하다, without knowing the word they could assume that it was “not…something” (it’s actually “inconvenient”).

In addition to memorizing these various characters, there is a huge group of idioms and expressions based on these characters known as 四字成語 (사자성어 / four character expressions). These expressions are incidentially composed of four different Chinese characters, and memorizing them is part of the primary and secondary education of children here in Korea. I figure if it’s good enough for kids in Korea it’s good enough for me, so I studied a bunch of these expressions…the only thing is, they are only used in very specific situations so they are hard to actually use.

But let me tell you, if Koreans are impressed by your uttering of the most basic Korean expressions (”안녕하세요 [hello]” “감사합니다 [thank you]” “같이 자자 [let’s sleep together]” ect.) correctly using a 四字成語, is the equivelent of correctly executing a Mortal Kombat fatality…everyone around is shocked and impressed.

The other night I met the girlfriend. She had just finished working a million hours and looked kind of upset. I asked her what was wrong (bad idea), and she began to explain a long, complicated situation at work. It seems that someone told her boss that one of the other employees told that person that the boss was a bitch and hard to work with. Anyhow her boss assumed that my girlfriend was the one spreading this disrespectful (though in my opinion true) nugget of information, and accused her of, in the words of the girlfriend, “being nice to me (the boss) when I’m (the boss) there, but lie about me when I’m gone.” Basically the boss said my girlfriend was being two faced, but my girlfriend was having trouble conveying this concept.

So I asked my girlfriend if her boss accused her of (here’s the pay-off kids):

This expression according to my various sources means to be “double-tounged.”

Anyhow after I uttered this expression, my girlfriend’s jaw dropped, “Wha? How do you know that?” I shrugged it off smirking as I proclaimed, “I don’t know.”

I have one class of students who as of late are obsessed with my nationality. Each day I can expect a couple questions to come my way about America. One day a student had a quarter and question me as to the identity of the Washington. Another day I was asked as to the availibility of various Korean foodstuffs in America. The students are usually impressed, but today my tidbit of life in America caused them to see that not everything in America is bad.

One of my students asked me, “Mr. Dunn what is 학원 in English?” Now 학원 is one of those Korean words that doesn’t really translate into English since there’s not really an equivalent institution in English speaking countries. I told him that he could call it an “institute.”

A different student then asked what kind of institutes they had in America. I told her that there weren’t any. The students all began asking me if I was telling the truth. I proclaimed that it was, and then about 100 other questions came in.

“Where do you study if there is no hagwon?” “At your home.”

“When can you go home?” “When school is finished…like 3:00.”

“What do you do when school is finished?” “Go home. Play. Do team sports. Study.”

When the conversation ended one of the boys proclaimed: “America…no hagwon…GOOD!” Oh yes it is buddy…oh yes it is!

El - Soft Breezes
Rating: 7.2
Label: Fish Eye Studio
Release Date: September 4, 2004
Relevant Links: El’s Homepage

El has a dreamy pop-rock sound that some might label as “emo,” but since I think that term is dumb I’m not going to do that. The majority of the tracks on the album feature both acoustic guitar playing jangley chords and electric guitar playing reverb drenched leads, with rocking bass, drum, and keyboard support.
Vocalist, Kyo, has the sensitive “heart on my sleeve” guy delivery commonly found in a lot of “emo” bands, but he can also give some epic, intense performances (think Bono from U2), without venturing into the realm of screaming.

As for the tunes, this album as a whole, is pretty laid back and mellow. Nothing found here is going to the soundtrack to a high speed chase, but these are good tunes to listen to while having coffee on a Sunday morning. Tracks like, “캥거루를 위하여,” in particular sound like the kind of tunes that a guy at a coffee shop would play.

Sonically the band has some similarities to the more mellow Jimmy Eat World (”For Me This Is Heaven” as opposed to “Bleed American.”) The is especially true on “Hotel Africa,” (both versions), which mix drum machines and synths with the guitar, bass, and drums.

But the band these guys sound the most like is the Korean band Nell. El is basically Nell without an N and L, and aside from the similar names, the two bands have very similar sounds. It’s not a bad thing, just don’t be looking for either band to really rock your socks off.

First Korean netizens were calling for the execution expulsion of “low quality English teachers,” and now another group is calling for the purification of the Korean language, by doing away with English loan words. Check it yourself before you wreck yourself. (Please note it’s a Korean website).

http://www.malteo.net/

First of all they already tried this once….changing “condom” to “애필 (aepil)” but there was outrage over it, since it was too similar to a lot of Korean names. So condom stayed condom.

Additionally it’s kind of weird that they want to get rid of the English loan words but are willing to keep the huge ammount of the lexicon that comes from Chinese, (and the smaller ammount that comes from Japanese, German, and other languages). When North Korea “purified” their version Korean language they got rid of alot of Sino-Korean words as well. So for this reason in the North you have things like, “물말” instead of “하마 (河馬)” when speaking of hippopotamuses? Hippopotami? Hippos.

Lazybone / Johnny Royal - Our Nation Vol. 4
Rating: 6.4
Label: Drug Records
Release Date: June, 2000
Relevant Links: Buy it here.

Drug Recoreds are back with another installment of the Our Nation series. This installment pairs ska-punk pop band Lazybone with the unstoppable fury that is Johnny Royal.

Lazybone kick off the album with a bunch of craptastic ska influenced jams. Ska has never really been my thing, and the tunes Lazybone have to offer are nothing to really get excited about. That being said, they aren’t really bad songs either…they’re just kind of bland. A few of the songs have decent parts, but these are quickly aborted. For example, one of the riffs in “비상구,” is close to being rocking, but the rest of the song is boring paint by numbers ska. The laid back, jazzy verses of “Why Don’t You Smile?” (complete with Bobby McFerrin whistling) transitioning into manic punk with wailing guitar solos is pretty decent as well, but the song is entirely too long, and I for one was bored by the end of the song. That’s the problem with the bulk of the Lazybone tracks: they are just far too long. I really don’t care to hear a ska riff for five minutes before moving on to a different track that has a “different” ska riff (again being played entirely too long).

Additionally these songs feature a ton of non-ironic 1980’s style wailing guitar solos. Not since Van Halen 1984 has there been a higher concentration of wailing guitar solos (and guitar face) in an album.

Johnny Royal can be summed up with one word, and that word is “Awesome!” There seem to be Johnny Royal modes of rocking: hardcore and rap. When in rap mode (on tracks like “로보트 나라 [Robot Country]”) they sound kind of like the Beastie Boys. When in hardcore mode they are fucking insane. “빈대부랑자의 격파차기,” starts off with a sample of a woman singing in a traditional Korean folk style before off the wall drums and guitars come in assaulting your ears like the Kool-Aid man bursting through a brick wall.

One of the best things about this band is that they have three singers. In rap mode they trade off verses like, well the Beastie Boys. But in hardcore mode, the singers work like 1980s tag team wrestlers. They bellow until they can’t bellow anymore and then someone else comes in with fresh bellowing.

Rarely do the the rap mode and hardcore style meet, but when they do (like the track “Homeless”) the asskicking fury delivered is as intense as it is unstoppable. This is not to say Johnny Royal are over the top Macho Man Randy Savage style hollering. The largely instrumental track “동해바다” calms things down briefly, and “파괴지왕” has some outstanding Tom Morello style guitar solo.

Overall, the Johnny Royal tracks are a lot better than the Lazybone track, and are almost mighty enough to make up for the fact that they are on an album with ska.

Korea Grammar p. 61; 한국어 3 Unit 2

- 같이 가면 좋을텐데요.
It would be good if we could go together.

- 車를 있으면 카섹스 할텐데요.
If I had a car I would have car sex.

- 말을 조금만 천천히 하면 알아들을 수 있을텐데요.
If you speak a little bit slowly I would be able to understand.

- 時間 있으면 너를 만나서 맥주를 마실텐데요.
If I had time I would have met you and drank a beer.

- 돈 있으면 外出할텐데요.
If I had money I’d go out.

- 저는 白人 안이면 당신의 父母님이 저를 좋아할텐데요.
If I wasn’t white your parents would like me.

- 韓國語 잘 할 수 있으면 幸福할텐데.
If I was able to speak Korea well, I’d be happy.

4-14-2005

- 너는 오면 나는 술 안 마실텐데요.
If you came I wouldn’t drink booze.

- 나는 열심히 공부했으면 시험을 잘 볼텐데요.
If I had studied hard I would have done well on the test.

- 니 父母님은 黑心 안 품으면 나를 좋아할텐데요.
If your parents didn’t have black hearts, they’d like me.

- 세상에 개 다 없으면 나는 幸福할텐데요.
If there were no dogs in the whole world I would be happy.

- 돈을 있으면 게임기를 살텐데요.
If I had money I’d by a game system.

- 저는 그사람의 이름을 기억하면 그사람을 얘기할텐데요.
If I remembered that person’s name I would talk with them.

- 저는 착하면 도와줄텐데요.
If I was kind I would help.

- 韓國語를 工夫 안 했으면 여기에서 안 올텐데.
If I hadn’t studied Korean I wouldn’t have come here.

幸福 (행복 / happy)
黑心 (흑심 / a black heart)

You like 만화 (manhwa), 漫画 (manga), or comic books? Think you have some pretty obscure titles in your collection? I’m willing to bet you’ve never seen this before.

“Uh Wyatt, I can’t read Korean. What the hell is it?”

Good question Cleatus. That, my inbred friend, is a collection of North Korean comic books. I’m currently working on translating one of them, but knowing me it will never get finished (作心三日 strikes again). So enjoy them in their original form for the time being and if you’re lucky maybe there will be an English version soon.

“Well that’s all well and good, but golly…How can I look at it?”

Again good question Cleatus. If you can’t read Korean, here’s what you do: Click on the cover of whatever book you wish to look at. On the next page click the button next the cover (만화책 보기) and enjoy!

Last night one of the networks here played Return of the Jedi, which as a child was probably my favorite movie. I’ve seen that movie hundreds of thousands of times in my life, so I was surprised when U-rim asked (completely seriously), “What is this?” I was shocked. She had never seen Return of the Jedi…or any of the Star Wars movies for that matter. She didn’t know what the Millenium Falcon was, or who Darth Vader was, or who Billy Dee Williams was. I was always under the impression that even those who didn’t like Star Wars had a knowledge of it, but he she was, a living breathing Star Wars virgin…so we busted that cherry!

Watching Return of the Jedi with someone who had never seen it was pretty odd. She was surprised when Luke crushed the Ranccor with a door by throwing a skull. When the ghost of Obi-wan Kenobi told Luke that he had a sister, she gasped. And when she saw Admiral Akbar the first time she was repulsed (which is ironic since here in Korea, real Admiral Akbar types are avalible for purchase and consumption at most restaraunts and supermarkets).

Speaking of Admiral Akbar brings me to the second thing that made this the wackiest viewing of Return of the Jedi I’ve partaken in. The entire movie was dubbed (as opposed to making use of subtitles). That’s right kids…Korean speaking Han Solo. Some of the voices were a little bit off. To begin with, Admiral Akbar in the original (English language version) sounds like a sea ceature would sound, or at least like a guy with a bunch of marble in his mouth would sound. The Korean Admiral Akbar, sounded like my landlord…just a regular middle aged Korean guy voice. C3-PO on the other hand went from sounding like a gay British thespian to a 1950’s robot…again speaking Korean. “저는 로보트임니다!” But the most disappointing of the voices was Billy Dee Williams Lando. Lando went from being an intergalatic pimp, to sounding like the guy I buy fruit and vegetables from in my neighborhood. That guy couldn’t convince me to drink Colt 45, and neither could the Korean version of Lando.

“맛있는 맥주야! 많이 마시세요!”

Sorry Lando…I for one am not buying!

안녕 여러분! 그뚱댕이 좀 봐. 이름은 햄버거맨이에요. 그남자가 햄버거 100개 먹으로 유명해요. 햄버거를 每日 먹는 바람에 진짜 똥배있어요. 어느날 햄버거맨은 햄버거 1개 먹다가 보니, 100개 每日 먹어요.

사진 찍는 사람은 함버거 1개를 먹는 바람에 햄버거맨은 너무 화났어요. 조심해!!! 그분이 똥돼지처럼 먹어요

눈뜨고 코베인 (Nunddeugo Cobain) - 파는 물건 EP
Rating: 6.6
Label: 눈뜨고 코베인
Release Date: October 11, 2003
Relevant Links: Band Homepage

If 눈뜨고 코베인 hailed from America, 파는 물건 would be the kind of album kids would make after discovering their parents actually had a decent record collection. This album is chock full of psychadelic and class rock sounds. The bulk of the tracks on this album feature some of the best organ work this side of Deep Purple.

Aside from the band’s sound there are other classic rock aspects to this album. Though only containing 5 songs, this EP clocks in at over 26 minutes.
눈뜨고 코베인 are not simply a band hell bent on rehashing the sound of the late 60s and early 70s like some (cough cough phish cough). The band also flirts with reggae/ska on a couple tracks (그자식 사랑했네,” and “외로운 것이 외로운거지,”).

And on the outstanding track, “그대는 냉장고,” they dabble with new wave. This song also includes some of the best lyrics ever: 그대는 아이콘…추워! 추워! 추워! 추워! (That machine is an air conditioner…COLD! COLD! COLD COLD!)

The band is an extremely awesome live group, and this EP is able to capture that energy. Be sure to check it out if you can, and definately check them out if you’re ever in Seoul.

I’m not going to lie to you…like most boys my age I was a video game junkie through the 1980s and early 1990s. During this time, I play a lot of games, but hands down my favorite games were the RPGs for Nintendo (Dragon Warrior and the original Final Fantasy). One of the reasons I liked these games was the fact that you could name the characters. Where in Super Mario Bros. you were Mario, and in Zelda you were Link, in the games like Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior, you could give the characters any persona you wanted. The first time I played these games the characters were named after my friends and I (or the Ninja Turtles), but later on (middle school) the names become insane; either lewd or totally bizarre.

Middle school humor at its finest.

And for this reason my favorite part of teaching is when I get to give English names to new students. The only thing is, none of this kids want really awesome names. They all want to be “Tony” or “Andy” or “Dkembi.” None want truly innovative names like the ones depicted bellow, and this makes me sad.

Why can’t my students pick names like this? A pox upon “John!”

Korean Grammar p. 185

- 저 아이는 어른처럼 말합니다.
That child speaks like an adult.

- 王子님은 풍향게의 새처럼 아름다워.
The prince is as beautiful as a weather cock.

- 그녀는 매춘부처럼 옷을 입어요.
She wears clothes like a hooker.

- 그놈은 똥돼지처럼 먹어요.
That bastard eats like a “shit pig.”

- 저는 韓國人처럼 먹어요.
I eat like a Korean person.

- 저는 요리사처럼 요리할 수 있어요.
I can cook like a chef.

4-14-2005

- 그녀는 모델처럼 예뻐요.
She’s beautiful like a model.

- 그녀는 새처럼 먹었어요.
She ate like a bird.

- 돼지처럼 먹는 바람에 그분이 뚱뚱해요.
As a result of eating like a pig, that guy is fat.

- 그녀는 조폭처럼 말해요.
She talks like a gangster.

- 그녀는 歌手처럼 노래했어요.
She sang the same as a singer.

- 당신은 美國人처럼 英語할 수 있어요.
You can speak English like an American.

- 그분이 물고기처럼 수영할 수 있어요.
That guy can swim like a fish.

- 저는 Tiger Woods처럼 골프 치다.
I play golf like Tiger Woods.

- 저는 양반처럼 工夫했어요.
I studied like a “yangban.”

- 그분이 물처럼 소주를 마셔요.
That guy drinks soju like it’s water.

歌手 (가수 / singer)

There’s no punchline, it’s what I did today. That’s right kids, I went to immigration today, and for some reason unknown to me it was actually a fairly painless event. The most difficult part was getting to the actual building. The immigration office is 5 subway stations away and involves one transfer, but for some reason this morning, it took roughly 50 minutes to go those 5 stops (usually takes between 15 or 20). The train stopped on the tracks, not once but twice for a pair of 10 minutes of nothing.

So instead of getting to immigration at 9:30 I got there around 10:30…needless to say the place was slammin’ busy, so I pulled my number (like at a deli), sat down and studied Korean for an hour, before I went up, deposited my papers, waited for 5 minutes, picked up my updated documents, and headed off to work. Like I said in the grand scheme of things realitively quick and painless.

There is one aspect of the immigration office that irks me to no end, and that is the annoying way in which you have to pay for the documents to be processed. You don’t hand a wad of cash to the immigration offical who deals with you…nope, that would be too easy. So what you have to do is buy these stamps which they glue to your application. The thing is each time I have applied for an E-2 visa (the visa required to teach English in Korea) the ammount has varied. So it’s not like I could buy the stamps before heading up to the counter…I have to go up, wait for the guy to tell me the price then trek off and buy me some stamps. The immigration officer has to sit there waiting for my return before moving on to the next customer. This whole thing is highly inefficent if you ask me. The other thing that is annoying about these stamps is they are never in the same place. The first time I went the stamp vendor was in the same room as foreign visa applicants. The next time the vendor had a booth in the lobby. Today they were on sale in the basement at the concession stand. I bought my 30,000won worth of stamps, and a hot dog to support the booster club…I’m joking about purchasing a hot dog, but I could have if I so desired.

Hey Korea, just allow people to pay cash to the immigration officer…or open up more than 50% of application windows…or better yet do both! Make a trip to immigration a little less annoying then it already is.

Korean Grammar p. 71; 한국어 3 Unit 2

- 지옥교통 있는 바람에 늦었습니다.
I was late as a result of the hellish traffic jam.

- 친구가 술을 귄하는 바람에 취하도록 마셨어요.
I got drunk because my friends kept offering me drinks.

- 소주 다섯병을 마시는 바람에 어디나 토했어요.
I threw up everywhere as a result of drinking five bottles of soju.

- 열심히 공부하는 바람에 시험 잘 봤어요.
As a result of studying hard, I did well on the test.

- 지하철 타는 바람에 여자친구 만났어요.
As a result of riding the subway I met my girlfriend.

- 學生들이 욕하는 바람에 先生님은 화났습니다.
As a result of the students swearing, the teacher was angry.

- 한자를 공부하는 바람에 한국어 쉬워요.
As a result of studying Chinese characters Korean is easy.

- 한국사람에게 얘기하는 바람에 한국어 솜씨 늘었어요.
I spoke with Koreans and in the process my Korean skill improved.

- 韓國에서 살는 바람에 한국어 배웠어요.
I lived in Korea and in the process I learned Korean.

- 태권도 하는 바람에 손이 아팠어요.
As a result of doing taekwondo, my hand hurts.

4-11-2005

- 비 오는 바람에 골프를 안 쳤어요.
As a result of the rain, I didn’t play golf.

- 韓國에서 發達하는 바람에 오염 많이 있어요.
In Korea there is a lot of pollution as due to “progress.”

- 한국어 매일 공부하는 바람에 지금 한국말 잘 할 줄 알아요.
As a result of speaking Korean everyday, now I know how to speak Korean well.

- 내 여자친구의 엄마가 서울에 오는 바람에 저는 내여자친구를 지금부터 五月까지 만날 수 없어요.
Because my girlfriend’s mom came to Seoul I can’t see my girlfriend from now until May.

學生 (학생 / student)
先生 (선생 / teacher)
發達 (발달 / progress; advance)

Seeing as how I have to go to immigration today, and then go to work, and then have to meet someone this evening, and then have to have a “beer party” with my girlfriend (her words and suggestion not mine), you’re getting a special news report here.

For those of you in Korea, or of Korean ancestory, I’m sure you have heard of fan death. For everyone else in the world it works like this: Koreans are under the impression that if you sleep with a fan on, pointed towards your face, in a closed room, you will die.

So here are a pair of sites dealing with this dangerous epidemic, which for some reason only Koreans are affected by.

Frist The Straight Dope brings us this article which, surprise, largely debunks the notion of a fan death.

And since this is the internet age, and everyone/thing/concept has it’s own homepage, here is Fan Death’s offical homepage (it’s actually a pretty decent site).

So bottom line, there is no such thing as “fan death” it’s only an urban myth like the C3-PO trading card where he’s sporting a huge, robotic boner.
Huh?! You’re telling me that card is real?! Well I’ll be goddamned. Fan Death on the other hand is a work of fiction like alligators in the sewers of New York.

Korean Grammar p. 272
한국어 3; Unit 1

- 친구과 한잔하다 보니, 귀가 시간이 늦어졌어요.
I was having a drink with my friends, and the next thing I knew, it was way past the time to go home.

- 매일마다 한자를 공부하다가 보니, 저는 여친보다 한자를 더 알았어요.
I studied hanja everyday, and before I knew it I knew more hanja than my girlfriend.

- 그분이 고기 많이 먹다가 보니, 뚱배 됐어.
That guy ate a lot of meat, and before he knew it he was a fatso.

- 한국어 열심히 공부하다가 보니, 솜씨가 늘얶어요.
I studied Korean hard, and the next thing I knew my skill improved.

- 친구들과 한잔하다가 보니, 취했어요.
I was having a drink with my friends and the next thing I knew I was drunk.

- 그녀와 함게 한번만 먹다가 보니, 우리는 커풀 이었어요.
I ate with her only once, and the next thing I knew we were a couple.

- 저는 여자친구와 함게 쇼핑하다가 보니, 월금이다 없었어요.
I went shopping with my girlfriend, and before I knew it, the entire month’s wages were gone.

- 피자 한개 먹고 싶다가 보니, 피자 한판 먹었어요.
I wanted to eat a piece of pizza, but before I knew it I’d eaten an entire pizza.

- 매일마다 한시간 운동하다가 보니, 강한 사람 됐어요.
I exercised 1 hour everyday, and before I knew it I’d become a strong person.

The other day while looking for directions / a map to a rock club in Seoul I stumbled across this.

For those of you hard of comprehending (one can be ‘hard of hearing’ so ‘hard of comprehending’ must work as well right?), allow me to explain. This is a guide to establishments the USFK (United States Forces Korea) have decided to make “off limits.”

I for one find the tour guide book style of the writing (complete with maps and 2 year old price guides) to be outstandingly humorous. “Turn left at Starbutts, look up 34.3˚, and go up the stairs. Blowjobs (100,000won) and on premise sex (200,000won) avalible. DON’T GO THERE!”

The maps are some of the most detailed maps I’ve seen here in Korea, and they are designed to show people where not to go. I mean wouldn’t a list have been good enough? Just a list of venues like: “Don’t go to Starrbutts!” The only case I can think of where more specific details about location would be need would be if there happened to be multiple clubs named “Starbutts” and of those clubs only one was off limits, to my knowledge there is but one Starbutts…thankfully.

Viva Soul - Youth On The Road
Rating: 7.3
Label: Warner Music Korea
Release Date: Feb. 22, 2005
Relevant Links: Buy it here.

When I first heard Viva Soul on Our Nation 5, I was incredibly impressed by the odd take on hip-hop they presented. When I learned that Viva Soul was in fact made up of members of 18 cruk (a disbanded Korean punk group), I both understood why the songs were so weird, and came to the conclusion I’d never see another Viva Soul release. How surprised was I the day I discovered this album at my local record shop.

One listen reveals how much Viva Soul’s sound has changed. While the Our Nation 5 songs were punk kids doing what they thought was hip-hop, the songs on Youth On The Road, are legitimate hip-hop. That being said, Viva Soul are still a far cry from being a “Throw your hands in the air and wave ‘em like ya just don’t care!” rap group. Live instruments are featured on the bulk of the tracks, and Latin rythms (samba, bossa nova, etc.) pepper the album.

The album’s first single, “Swing My Brother,” features jazzy, honky-tonk piano, a brass section, and the lads busting rhymes over Roaring Twenties grooves.
The album as a whole is a lot more laid back that their previous outing. This is most obvious on the track, “Music Picnic,” (which appears on both albums). The Our Nation 5 version was a frantic mass of sound, featuring a flute riff, that expounds upon the virtures of funk music, hamburgers, and beer. The version on this album, while still keeping the message that hamburgers, funk, beer, and rock music are good things, is a lot more subdued, it’s something you could groove along with during a summer time drive to a beach. The original version was something you’d be blasting at a house party, but that’s kind of how this album is. It’s good music for chilling out with your friends, but not raucous enough to get a party started.

After a couple days of awesome spring-type weather, the pissed off fury that is winter in Korea has returned and is pissing all over everyone’s good times. Today while walking to the drug store to pick up some athlete’s foot medicine (which is pretty redankulous on it’s own since the most ‘athletic’ things I have done as of late are walking to and from the subway station and doing push-ups and sit-ups in my room), I nearly froze my epiglottis off. Today the weather is just brutal and raw…a perfect day to sit around doing laundry and organizing/chucking mp3 on one’s computer…which brings me to today’s entry: “Unsorted Jams.”

I’m sure the bulk of you have downloaded some tunes in your days, and I’m sure those of who have will be familar with the concept of the “unsorted jams” folder. It might have a different name, but everyone has one. It’s the folder where all manners of downloaded tunes wind up, and are quickly forgotten of. If you are like me the folder will consist heavily of 80s hard rock (Van Halen, Motley Crue, Twisted Sister) or early 90s gangsta rap (NWA, Geto Boyz, Naughty By Nature, ect.), but among those tunes there are sure to be some things so bizarre you have to wonder, “How drunk was I when I decided to download that?” Today we’re going to look at three such jams.

M.C. Hammer - “Hammerman Theme Song”

At the height of his popularity, M.C. Hammer was granted the ultimate honor, his own Saturday morning cartoon. Only thing is, the cartoon totally sucked ass. It was poorly animated, and played out like little after school specials.

The theme song in particular is insanely rediculous. Taking the beat to a previously released M.C. Hammer jam (the name of which I have long since forgotten), and like all good cartoon theme songs tells us the basic premise of the show. Basically M.C. Hammer is given magic shoes by a “hip hop Motown dude.” With these shoes he becomes the titular character and is able to fight crime.

Mr. T - “Treat Your Mother Right”

Sometime in the 80s, Mr. T recorded this awesome jam in which Mr. T busts some awesome rhymes paying homage to his mother over a beat that sounds like Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watchin’ Me.” The thing about this track is it could probably be huge hear in east Asia, where respect for one’s parents is a virtue. As I listened to the track I realized exactly how much in common Mr. T’s mother and Mencius’ mother had…both were self-sacrificing ladies who realized the potential their sons had and were willing to sacrifice everything for their sons. These sacrifices paid off greatly: Mencius went on to be one of the most famous Confucian scholars, and well Mr. T yelled stuff like “Quit the jibba-jabba,” “I pity the foo!” and once had a boxing match with Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Mr. T! Here he is beating the bejesus out of rowdy Roddy Piper.

The Kidz Bop Kids - “Float On” (Modest Mouse Cover/Remake)

For those of you unfamilar with the concept of Kidz Bop, its a series of albums in which children and their evil adult overlords do children friendly remakes of contemporary pop tunes. On the most recent Kidz Bop album, they offer up a song which has to be a sign of the devil…or at least the final nail in the coffin of the corpse that is indie rock.
There’s something extremely creepy about the song, perhaps the fact that it kicks off with an army of kids yelling “I backed my car into a cop car the other day!” The thing is, for as creepy as it is, and how much it goes against everything I stand for musically, I can’t stop listening to it…according to my ipod the Kidz Bop version has been played roughly 2 times the original.

Well that about does it from here. I’m off to translate, “Treat Your Mother Right” into Korean in a half-assed attempt to break into the Korean music scene.

Well it’s back to school time here in Korea, so that means in addition to middle school girls not being on the bus being loud when I go into work, an assload of new students have joined my classes. The bulk of these kids seem fine but there’s one kid that is super annoying. Let’s call him Jim.

First off he’s in fifth or sixth grade, but never shuts up or stops moving. Yesterday in class the students were doing their daily journal. Everyone was working quietly, occassionally raising their hand to ask, “Mr. Dunn how do you spell Novemeber?” or “What is 예쁘다 in English?” Not Jim. He was sitting in his chair poking a pencil through the paper and making animal noises.

Second off (I can say that right? ) this month all the classes are starting to do a weekly show and tell, so yesterday while I was explaining how it would work he continually interrupted me. He would bellow random crap that had nothing to do with what I was talking about, and ended up making the 5 minute explaination take about 15 minutes.

Thirdly, during class he was constantly moving. He got out of his chair more often than the kindergarten students (4 and 5 year olds) that I had taught earlier in the day. If he was in his chair, he was tapping his foot against the metal part of his chair making a lot of noise.

The last thing that really annoyed me more than anything else, was the fact that he was a know-it-all. Apparently he had lived in the Phillipeans for a couple years. He could speak English fairly well, but because of this thought he was better than everyone else. At one point he turned to the girl next to him, scoffed at something she had said, and said, “That’s wrong,” and then laughed like Nelson from the Simpsons. I turned to him, looked him in the face and told him, “Seriously, just be quiet! If you talk again you can go home!”

So that’s what I have to look forward to every Tuesday and Thursday for the time being. Yay…

165b

1. 韓國에서 人道에서 오토바이를 注意해요.
2. 정유림때문에 내 氣分이 좋아요.
3. Grimm 兄弟는 童話로 유명해요.
4. 옛날에 호랑이들은 人間을 먹었어요.

170b

1. 시험時間후에 安心했어요.
2. 나는 어린이때 독수리五兄弟 每日 봤어요.
3. 우리 父母님은 美國에서 살아요.
4. 내 意見에는 서태지가 노래 잘 해요.

注意 (주의 / cautious)
氣分 (기분 / feeling)
童話 (동화 / children’s story, fairy tale)
人間 (인간 / people, person, human)
時間 (시간 / time)
安心 (안심 / relaxed, at ease, relieved)
兄弟 (형제 / five brothers)
父母 (부모 / parents)
意見 (의견 / opinion)

I swear to Buddha my washing machine is a card carrying member of the KKK. The past few times I have done laundry it has gone something like this: I do a load of “light” colored clothes. This takes about 45 minutes and occurs without incident. Next on the docket, “dark” colored clothes. Without fail, the washing machine will stop about half way through the cycle and make horrific beeping noises. If this does not happen, the timer will reset itself and wash the clothes for close to an hour and a half (if I don’t intervene).

I can think of no reason for this to be happening. It’s not the weight, since my linen and towels and the heaviest of all laundry done, but have no ill affect on the washing machine (incidentially the linen is white). It’s not the content of the wash, since the dark clothes and light clothes are pretty equal in terms of quantities of specific articles of clothing (ie 2 pairs of khaki pants vs. 2 pairs of dark pants). And it’s not the order I do the loads. If I wash dark clothes first the machine will stall, and if I wash dark clothes second the machine will stall.

The only rational explination is that my washing machine has an irrational fear and hatred of dark colored clothing. I’d better do something soon, since I don’t want this to become any uglier than it already is. The second a cross is burnt in my room is the second that washing machine gets pushed out a window.

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was in my childhood home with my brother, only neither of us were children. Anyhow in this dream my brother and I were engaged in mortal kombat combat, in the living room of this old house, and somehow my brother was kicking my ass.

At one point in the dream, I tried to hit him with a roundhouse kick, but my brother was able to counter by swinging a jump rope and hitting my kicking leg with the handle. As he pummeled me I grabbed a wrapping paper tube (aka a huge toilet paper tube), and tried to defend myself, but was unsuccessful until Omar and Cedric of The Mars Volta appeared at my house and proceeded to attack my brother and I with Super Nintendo controllers.

Being attacked in our own home by The Mars Volta was more than we could bear, so my brother and I put aside our differences and teamed up to beat down The Mars Volta. It was like Double Dragon 2, only with a jump rope and a wrapping paper tube instead of “tire” and “box.” Having dispatched the Mars Volta, my brother and I proceeded to play some Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo.

I only mention this because when I woke up this morning, I figured something else must have been a dream. You see, last night before I went to sleep I checked my e-mail to find a message from a men’s magazine in Europe that was interested in having me write an article about Seoul. This morning, I figured that this too was a bizarre figment on my imagination, so I checked my mail again. Turns out someone really does want me to write an article, so I guess shortly I’ll be a published author…something to add to my resume. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a deadline to meet.

Yesterday I awoke to find a decent ammount of snow on the ground, and still comming. It was the kind of snow that back in Albany would have resulted in your friend and my, the two hour delay, but here in Korea it was nothing doing. That because yesterday was the first day of school! That’s right, kids in Korea begin the school year on March 2.

So with this new school year comes a new class schedule. The schedule isn’t that much different than what I’ve been teaching already, save for the fact that my 1:50 class is pushed back to 2:30. The schedule is a lot more uniform (I finish every day at 6:30, the same classes meet on M,W,F or T,Th, and classes all start at 2:30).

Anyhow yesterday I learned some horrific crap. Due to the fact that I am going to go to school in April, I won’t have time for a meeting prior to classes any day of the week. Therefore my boss decided it would be a good idea to have them on Saturday morning. I for one am not down with this.

I asked if we could have them after classes once a week if the meetings are that critical. I’d be more than happy to stay until 7:00 or 7:30 once a week. That got vetoed. I figured that if they had to be on Saturday morning, why not have them at a cafe in Seoul…preferable somewhere in 서대문구 (Seodaemun-gu), since we both live in that area. This too was shot down.

“We should go an hour/hour and a half to Goyang to have the meetings because the books are there,” was said unto me. Or something akin to it.
Now this might be a decent excuse if we had ever looked at the books in the meetings in the year I’ve been working there. Occassionally something about the books will be mentioned, but I’ll always check or do what needs to be done outside the meeting time. In fact the one time we looked at books during a meeting was the meeting after I was sent out to purchase a new book for one of the classes, but the book arrived with me that day, and could just have easily gone to a Starbucks with similar results.

On top of this Saturday meeting nonsense, I now have to keep written records of what I teach in class, and the homework I assign. I did this myself, but I have to organize it now and put it in some special binder thing, as opposed to the notepad I jot it down on now.

And on top of that three of the classes will be starting new books. Books for which no curriculum has been developed. Guess who gets to develop it! Me! Wow even more work, to do during the fewer hours of free time I’ll have.

So my work has increased my paperwork, increased my days working, but not increased my wage. Perhaps I need to evacuate the area. Something to consider.

This past week I was sick, but since there is no such thing as a sick day in Korea I went into work, while visually ill. Anyhow, my student’s mother saw that I was ill and asked me if I missed my mother while I was sick. I answered honestly that I didn’t miss her, but it got me thinking. Is there anything I miss about America? The answer is, yes there are things I miss. First off I don’t miss my family that much. What with the internet and telephones, I still am able to communicate with them fairly regularly, so they’re out of the running. Anyhow, without further delay, here are the top five seven things I miss.

7. Doritos
Korea has it’s own kind of Doritos, but they are whack. That’s right! They are totally whack. They taste as if they were flavored with the ramen soup powder from Korean style ramen. I long for the real Doritos.

6. Deodorant
Koreans don’t use deodorant…therefore aside from sticks smuggled of military bases and sold on the black market, it’s not avalible. I for one need deodorant, but am against paying an insane price (close to $8) for a stick of that white chalky kind of deodorant. I need my Ocean Surf Speed Stick. So anytime I’m running low I have to have someone in the States mail me a stick. This is something that I think sucks.

5. Ethnic Cuisine
In Korea I can get Korean food, Sino-Korean food, and Japanese food fairly easily, but aside from that you’re s.o.l. The thing I crave most frequently in the realm of ethnic cuisine is the most base of all cuisine: the taco!

4. Re-runs From The 1980’s
I didn’t watch much TV in America, but for some reason I was a sucker for crappy 1980s sitcoms. You can’t beat The Cosby Show, or Saved By The Bell for some outstanding entertainment. I can probably find episodes on a peer to peer downloading service, by more often than not the quality is horrible to the point of being unwatchable. This probably has been allviated somewhat by the fact that I now have the channel Series TV which has re-runs of shows like MacGuyver, The Incredible Hulk, and A-Team. I do, however, still miss Cosby.

3. Indie Record Stores
While I listen to and enjoy Korean indie, and I am kept up to date on the American indie scene (thanks Pitchfork), it’s often quite hard to find American indie releases here in Korea. And due to them being indie bands, they are equally difficult to find online (not that I’m all about downloading jams anyhow…unless they are crap to begin with).

2. One Thousand Kinds of Beer
I wrote about this a couple days back. As horrible as they were cheap, the main brews I miss is Natty Lite and it’s harsher brother Natty Ice.

And the number one thing I miss about America is….(drum roll)

1. Pete Turner’s Basement in Summer
Rockin’ out with a band. Chuggin’ brews with friends. HBO original series OZ. Nintendo. Records of punk bands and old hippie bands. Bad movies. Insane number of channels. Pete Turner’s basement in the summer could not be beat.

Photo to ruin my chances of having a successful career in government.