西洋오랑캐

Yesterday and today I met with the parents of my students for some good old fashion parent-teacher-translator conferences. For the most part, the parents were happy and said their children enjoyed my classes. It’s always nice to hear that you are doing a good job, and it’s even better when you get presents.

That’s right kids, the moms came bearing gifts. I ended up with some cake, cookies, vitamin drink, tea, and assorted soft drinks. In addition to these gifts I recieved some pretty odd compliments. Of course there was the ever popular, “You understand Korean very well,” but in addition I was told things like, “My son / daughter hates to study, but loves coming here,” and “My son said that you are not mean like his school English teacher,” and then there was, “My daughter says that Mr. Dunn is handsome.” Now this particular mom’s daughter is five years old, but it got weirder, as she was leaving she proclaimed to my boss that, “My daughter is right, he is very handsome.” I’m glad the conferences are over, because if I hear more stuff like this I might end up with a swelled head like Peter Brady after saving that girl in the toy store.

Anyhow on my way home I picked up a coat from the dry cleaner (not that I’ll need it since it’s now summer for some reason). Anyhow the coat had some fake fur trim that I had removed before dropping the coat off. Today when I picked up the coat the fur had been replaced, so now I have two pieces of fake fur trim for the hood of my coat. One is dark and one is light, and I have no idea why a second piece appeared.

For no reason, here’s a list of things I smell walking from the subway station to my house. Enjoy!

붕어빵 (Bung-oh Bang), gasoline, paint. guys smoking, roast chicken, baked goods, dry cleaning chemicals, fish and other sea creatures, burning coal, Chinese food, saw dust, flowers, 한약 (Korean / Oriental medicine), a backed up sewer, and garbage.

Wow, that must have been incredibly boring to read, but I invite all of you to huff your way home.

Yesterday between 5:00am and 10:30pm my girlfriend must have realized how awesome I was and either decided to have it out with her mother or simply ignore her, because at 10:30pm she showed up with beer and ordered us fried chicken.

Things seem to be alright now, but we shall see with time. If chicken and brew were able to remedy this situation, perhaps I need to take her mother to a 호프 (bar) and drink a round with her.

Anyhow thanks to the peoples who sent me email or messages. And I promise this is the last you’ll hear of this. It’s going to be back to normal after Saturday afternoon, since Friday and Saturday I’m going to be extremely busy with work related craps.

I learned last night that my girlfriend is a coward and is afraid of her mother. Apparently her mother has been enjoying herself in Seoul so much she’s has decided to buy a house, move her and have all of her children move in with her. Since her mother still loathes me for the sole reason of me being white (she has never met me, she doesn’t know me from Adam) and my girlfriend is now going to be living under “her” roof, I can’t really see her anymore. Now this wouldn’t be so bad except when she is with her mother, she avoids answering my calls as well.

My girlfriend is fine with this claiming, “I can still see you once a week,” but that’s really not working for me. Since she does everything her mother says, what’s to stop her mother from telling her, “Don’t see him anymore?”

Anyhow this ends my ranting, thank you for bearing with me. I’ll have some more humorous / wacky posts later.

Many moons ago when I was in high school I was a student of the French language…or is that the “Freedom” language? Anyway I digress. I can’t remember much of the four years of French I studied, but I do recall a dog says, “ouah ouah,” or something along those lines, and that a telephone made some really insane noise. So today I am bringing the noise and bringing the funk. All of the sound effects I am presenting today were found in writing done by actual Koreans, but like the sound of a bomb exploding in an English comic book, there may be other ways to write out these sounds.

윽 (Euk): The sound a dying communist made during the Korean War. Actually this is a common death sound in Korean comic books.
으흑 으흑 (Euheuk euheuk): The sound of crying.
찌르릉 찌링 (Jjireureug Jji-ring): Communist bicycle bell.
딸칵 (Ddal-kahk): This is the sound of a lamp being turned on with a pull chain.
뾱 (Bbyok): The sound of popping bubble wrap.
빌리리리 (Bir-ri-ri-ri): The sound of a (non-cell)phone ringing.
싹둑 (Ssak-duk): The sound garden shears make when chopping up some leaves.
메롱 (Merong): Someone sticking their tongue out makes this sound.
데굴데굴 (Daegul Daegul): If you do a log roll across the floor, this is the sound that occurs.
뿌직 뿌직 (Bbujik Bbujik): What is the sound of a dog crapping? 뿌직 뿌직!
키히잉 (Kihi-ing): This sound is made by Taoist immortal’s eye when he is about to have a threesome with two busty women.
긁적긁적 (geulk-jeok geulk-jeok): Scratching one’s balls Al Bundy style will make this sound in Korea.
부르르르 (Bureureureureu): The sound of a vibrator.
달달달달 쿡쿡쿡쿡 (Daldaldaldal Kok Kok Kok Kok): A guy getting a hand job and finger up his bum in the dark will make this sound.

So there you have it, some of the most important sound effects I’ve come across in my readings. And for something a little more straight forward (and completely Romanized) check out this here link.

Today began the testing week at my school, which is totally awesome since it means all sorts of extra paperwork for me. In addition to creating, administering and grading tests, I have report cards to fill out this week as well. This is not a problem, but for some reason I have to fill out a teacher’s comments area inspite of the fact that this Saturday I have to come in and do parent teacher confrences…in which I will be telling the parents the exact thing I’ll be writing. Additionally my comments are written in English, and the bulk of the parents can’t understand English at all, and those who do often misconstrew what I write, and end up getting angry.

On the plus side of all of this (and there is a plus side), classes are extremely easy this week. The kids have testing for two days, and then the last two days this week are game days and “funny money” shop day which makes preparing for class a lot easier. Additionally I mentioned having to work on Saturday, but next week I’m going to have a four day weekend.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I have some teacher comments to fill out that will be misunderstood.

武士

The cover of the box to the film 武士 uses the word “spectacle” in describing this film and relates the huge sum of money and time this film cost to make. And this time and investment shows. The film is…well, a spectacle. For today’s review we have additional commentary from my sister in America.

The film tells the story of a group of Korean warriors stationed on the Sino-Korean border during the Koryeo dynasty (I think the film said it was 1347). The film starts off with a group of Koreans being left to die and subsequently getting attacked by Chinese bandits in a desert. The Koreans end up in some Arabian looking peoples camp (the dudes all looked like Princess Jasmine’s dad from Aladdin).

Anyhow, I watched this film without subtitles, and for some reason I was unable to comprehend the Koreans end up defending a Chinese princess in the deserts from the same desert bandits that got their beat down and sex on with a Chinese princess in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (note to self: If I come back as a Chinese princess in antiquity stay the shit out of the Gobi Desert).

Anyhow these Koreans keep adding Chinese civilians to their posse as the traverse the lush landscapes and battle Chinese villains. The posse of Korean heroes breaks down like this: guy in red with big Final Fantasy VII style sword (player one), guy in black with big Final Fantasy style sword (player two), guy with an axe, old guy with a bow, dude with long hair and a spear thing, Buddhist monk, and my personal favorite, guy with a harpoon and rope. Let’s look at my conversation with my sister (who is more knowledgeable about Korean flicks than me)

Me: you know “Please teach me English” right?
My Sister: yup…i own it
Me: could you believe that one guy (the pizza delivery guy who marries the teacher in the end) as a warrior from the Koreyo era who has harpoons and ropes as weapons?
My Sister: hahahah no!
Me: Me either. Everytime he comes on screen I want to be like “사랑해유!” (cuz he spoke in a dialect in that movie where words end with 유 as opposed to 요”)
My Sister: yeah i thought he sounded weird

Anyhow after several desert battles and a battle in a forest in which the red big sword hero is wounded. The Koreans and their Chinese entourage make their way into an old fortress in the middle of nowhere.

Me: this movie is a lot like willow. The Koreans (with a Chinese princess) just got an abandoned fort and now the Chinese are trying to get her back. I’m waiting for someone to turn into a big ass dragon.
My Sister: that would be hella sweet
Me: yeah but instead i just got some decapitations

That’s right, decapitations! I have come to understand that the Korean film industry is awfully fond of dismemberment. Maybe I just need to stop watching action / adventure / horror movies. Anyhow shortly after the Korean warriors arrive at the fortress they are attacked.

Me: This can’t be the final showdown…but it seems like such a final showdown
My Sister: haha the concept of “the final showdown.” It’s just so ridiculous…and awesome
Me: oh shit a guy just had a “bomb.” It’s like a cartoon bomb (aka black ball with a fuse)
My Sister: hahah for real? That’s the most boss thing ever!
Me: yeah! This movie is nuts. I wish I could understand the plot better.

My prediction of the final showdown was a tad premature, and ended with the heroes getting a little bit ravaged (the axe hero lost an eye and started wearing an eye patch), and then had infighting because the spear hero was show boating.

The real final showdown occurs and well, I don’t want to give away the ending, but it’s a pretty typical ending to a Korean action movie. The movie was pretty decent, and the fights were top notch. There was a lot in the fight scenes that reminded me of Braveheart, but more intense. During this film I realized that I can understand Korean subtitles quite well (there was a lot of Chinese dialogue with Korean subtitles). Often I could understand these subtitles better than some of the spoken (Korean) dialogue. Anyhow if you want to see an awesome historical action flick check out 武士!

Note: For those of you unfamiliar with Chinese characters the title 武士 (무사 in 한글) means “warrior” or “knight.”

When I first met my girlfriend, her English skill was miles higher than my Korean skill. Wait, who am I kidding, her English still is vastly superior to my Korean. Anyhow, because my Korean was so poor when we met, I made a lot of progress in the year we’ve been dating. There was so much I didn’t know, that it was easy to see a lot of progress in a relatively short ammount of time.

Like I said, my girlfriend already had a pretty good grasp of the language, so her improvement was not as noticeable. She didn’t make glarring grammatical mistakes, or have to create her own English words when not knowing an object or concept’s actual name. Therefore she was under the impression that her English has not gotten any better.

Well, let me tell you that she is wrong. First of all her comprehension is a lot better now. When we first met she would occassionally stare at me for awhile while attempting to comprehend what had been said, but now it’s almost instantaneous, but my comprehension improved a great deal as well. Since meeting me she has learned all kinds of useless useful expressions such as “I have to break the seal,” “Hey man,” and “Dammit!” She on the other hand has educated me on proper verb tense, indirect quoting, and countless other grammatical concepts. In all it’s a pretty fair trade I think.

Note to self: Don’t piss of the nation of Korea or someone in the country will write a crappy song about how evil I am and name said song, “Fuckin’ Wyatt.”

Hot on the heels of the chart topping “Fuckin’ USA,” comes “Fuck Zapan.”* Brought to us by K-rap superstars, DJ Doc, this tune eloquently explains the angry Korea has towards Japan…oh wait no it doesn’t. It makes fun of how Japanese people speak, and proclaims that Japan is Korea’s toilet.

To make this song even better they use my (sarcasm)favorite(/sarcasm) Korean Romanization style of writing a J sound with a Z…awesome! Well, with this song in addition to the epic, “독도는 우리 땅” it’s pretty safe to say who’s winning this conflict…

* note: The only copy of this tune I could find online was a wmv file that features WWF superstars getting beat down with the faces of Japanese politicos superimposed on them. The file is over 8meg…just so you know.

오늘 재미있는 날이었어요. 나는 8時半에 일어났어요. 녹차를 마시고 TV를 조금 봤어요. 11時에 나는 서예학원에서 갔어요. 아직도 千文字를 工夫해요. 그책은 어려워요. 하지만 서예는 진짜 재미있어요.
나는 12時半에 출근하는 길이었어요. 1時20分에 고양시에서 도착했어요. 나는 떡볶이를 시켰어요. 점심 時間후에 나는 가르쳤어요. 7時半에 집에서 왔어요.
오늘밤에 유림을 만날 수 없어요. 그래서 술 마시고 『武士』 볼래. 나는 겁나게 배고파…꼭 먹어.

“Hey Wyatt, lately you’ve been posting a lot of pretty lengthy jazz. What’s been up?”

Ah you’ve noticed. You see a couple weeks ago 유림’s (man that looks weird…let’s use U-rim’s instead) mother came up from the sticks that are U-rim’s hometown and is now staying with her…sometimes. So for the past two weeks or so I’ve been flying solo most days, which accords me a lot of time which I spend living it up like a bachelor with strippers and drinks and fast cars…oh wait I’m not Vin Disel; I spend it studying, watching movies, reading, and writing insane nonsense here (drunken movie reviews, outlines to quasi-academic papers about monsters, lengthy rules and regulations for escalators, and the like). So that’s why there’s a lot more content as of late. When If U-rim’s mother ever leaves I’ll be back to one post a day or so…and they’ll probably be shorter and contain more typos. Anyhow I’ve got a wacky story that could only come from a Korean school for you, so enjoy.

Today one of my classes read a story which featured the line, “He was a famous dog.” The students didn’t understand what “famous” was, so I explained it to them (actually I just said “유명하다” which is Korean for “to be famous”), and I then went around and asked students about various famous people.

“Who is a famous singer?” “Who is a famous soccer player?” “Who is a famous ‘gag man?’” “Who is a famous baseball player?”

Each of my questions was answered with one or two names. “Boa is a famous singer.” “Seven is a famous singer.” For some reason of the students asked, “Who is a famous gamer?” I said I didn’t know, and posed the same question to the class who blasted through a million names.

“Wyatt, What’s a gamer?”

Good question buddy. Gamers are professional video game players. Here in Korea that usually means professional Starcraft players, but based on the various game channels I have there are gamers who focus on other games (Counter Strike comes to mind). So we have a class of 3rd and 4th grade boys who could name one baseball player only after I’d nearly said the entire name myself (Park Chan-ho if anyone cares), but knew the names and ranks of entire Starcraft league clan rosters. What the crap is that?

The past two books I read were a collection of Korean fairy tales, and a comic book about ghosts and other crap that goes bump in the night that one of my former students left in the classroom. So today you’re going to suffer through my obsession you have the priviledge of reading a fairly non-scholarly exploration of the supernatural beings of Korea. (cue X-files theme music)

신선 (神仙 / Taoist Immortal) / 산신 (山神 / Mountain God)

A supernatural Korean man with a rockin’ beard.

Like I said, this is an extremely non-scholarly work here, so I’m grouping these two beings together, since I’m not sure of any difference between the two, and I’m can’t be bothered to research if any difference does actually exist. In the stories I’ve read, both come across the same. They are old men with crazy ass long white beards who can do magic…basically they are Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, only they never kick Balrog’s ass.

Golden Axe, Silver Axe

One of the most popular of the stories involving these immortals or spirits is the story of the Golden Axe or Silver Axe. The story tells of a poor lumber jack who tosses his crappy axe into a pond. A spirit comes up with a silver axe, and asks the lumber jack if that was the axe he tossed. The man honestly answers that it was not. The spirit presents a golden axe. The man again says that it is not his. The spirit finally shows the man the crappy axe that was his. The man says that the axe is his and as a reward for his honesty the spirit gives all three axes to the man. This story is popular and parodied in all forms of media here in Korea, but the best one is this comic found in 아색기가 (which I found online with extremely little trouble).

Anyhow, a more indepth look into the world of 산신 can be found at http://san-shin.org/

도깨비 (Tokaebi / Goblin)

Next up is the 도깨비. These creatures are kind of goblin like. Sometimes they are helpful, sometimes they are real bastards. They play tricks on people, but I’ve never come across any stories in which 도깨비 kill anyone, which makes them different from the similar looking Japanese creature 鬼 (the oni).

Tokaebi clad in taekwondo garb…these are pretty a-typical looking tokaebi.

도깨비 are usually clad in animal hides (that usually come from some sort of yellow animal with black dots), and carry large knobbed clubs. These clubs are magical and according to some 도깨비 fact sheet I came across once, the 도깨비 could use this club (방망이) to create anything it desired. They are most often depicted as large green human-looking (albeit incredibly ugly human) beings with a single horn on their head, though colors and number of horns can vary.

해태 (Haetae / Magical Lion)

Haetae rocking the scene.

Ah the 해태. Carvings of these creatures were put on the grounds of important buildings such as palaces to prevent fires. 해태 were said to be made of water and for this reason fire wanted nothing to do with them. Oh and now there is a company that produces snack foods that uses 해태 as it’s mascot and namesake. I’ve yet to encounter these beasts in any sort of literature, but they are a quite common icon here, so there you go.

호랑이 (Horang-e / Tiger)

Tyger tyger burning bright…

While 해태 was a magical lion (or according to my electronic dictionary “magical unicorn lion”), these tigers, which frequent Korean fairy tales are just normal tigers, although some tend to have human characteristics (ie. the ability to speak, or wear pants). Tigers in Korean fairy tales and folk lore, often play the same role that the “Big Bad Wolf” plays in western fairy tales. A malevolent force to scare children into behaving.

귀신 (鬼神 / Ghost)

A Korean style ghost…see also “The Ring”

Ghosts in Korea are not of the same ilk as the white sheet sporting, moaning ghost of the west. If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Ring,” the ghosts of Korea tend to follow the same archtype as the fiend in that film. Female ghosts look bedraggled with hair in their face, and they are always clad in white (the color worn in funnerals).
Males tend to behave themselves after death, but the few male ghosts I’ve seen (in books, movie, and television shows) tend to have pasty white flesh, and dark lips. They also tend to being wearing a 갓 (horse hair hat worn during the 조선 period).

빨간마스크 (Bbalgan Mask / Red Mask)

Red Mask Ghost sans mask.

This is a fairly modern addition to the pantheon of stuff to creep out elementary school students. The story behind 빨간마스크 leads me to believe that she is a Japanese import. 빨간마스크 is a woman (some tellings specify she is Japanese), who underwent plastic surgery, but it went horribly wrong. She ended up with the edge of her mouth cut into a huge freakish smile (see picture for yourself).
She covers this mouth up with a medical red mask (hence the name), and asks people if she is pretty or not. She then reveals her mouth, and proceeds to cut the victim with a sickle. For some reason people who put the Chinese character for “dog” (犬) on their hands will be left alone by this ghoul.
빨간마스크 became emensely popular here in Korea, spawning a host of other colored mask sporting fiends. I think one of them (초록마스크 perhaps) shoots acid out of their mouth, and another has a long tounge like a frog.

Hella disturbing picture of Red Mask Ghost.

So there you have it people. Some of the monsters and supernatural beings that exist here in Korea and creep out my students on a regular basis. Feel free to discuss, or leave information about creatures I may have left off this list.

I kind of feel like an ass, but for some reason this story strikes me as funny. Maybe it has something to do with the conditions of the zoo and the irony of the elephants revolting, or maybe it’s just that the misfortunes of others are always good for a laugh. Anyhow enjoy!

“Dude, we ordered 돼지고기 (pork), not 코끼리고기 (elephant meat)!”

Forget Bull in a China Shop, Try Elephant in Diner!

SEOUL (Reuters) - Six elephants escaped from a zoo and roamed around the South Korean capital Wednesday, briefly crashing their way into a restaurant before being rounded up, police and zoo officials said.

The elephants were on a parade led by mahouts outside their enclosure inside Seoul Children’s Grand Park in the east of the city when one was apparently startled and bolted, a zoo official said by telephone.

The five others followed “because they have the tendency to do that,” the official said.

While the elephants were being led back to the zoo, three of them escaped again and crashed through a plate-glass window into a restaurant, sending terrified staff fleeing.

Crowds looked on as mahouts in blue hats ran after the elephants.

Amid the confusion, a man was also injured and needed hospital treatment after encountering another elephant on a side-street.

Firefighters and zoo keepers, helped by police, cajoled five of the elephants back into the zoo. A police officer said a sixth was at a police station and would be sent back to the zoo soon.

I think my favorite part of this whole fiasco is the fact that police only returned five of the elephants to the zoo and the sixth is at the police station. What the hell? Is that sixth elephant being detained for questioning? Was he taken in on unrelated charges? I’m curious as to why the sixth elephant is not being released for the holding cell at the police station to the…um holding cell at the zoo.

요즘 내 여자친구의 엄마가 서울에서 있어요. 그녀는 白人를 싫어해요. 그래서, 내 여자친구를 못 만나요. 그래서 저는 혼자로 살아요. 요즘 저는 읽고 쓰고 영화를 많이 봤어요. 내 여자친구 없으면 저는 진짜 조용해요. 저는 심심하고 화났어요. 저는 白人 안이면, 유림의 엄마가 나를 좋아할텐데요. 흐흐흐. ㅠ_ㅠ

Starting last Friday, and all this week in 고양시 is picnic week at the elementary school. Each day one grade heads out on a picnic with their classmates getting back late in the day. Today was the second graders trip to picnic land Korea, or wherever they went. So none of my second grade students came today, which would have been awesome save for the fact that one 3rd grader is in the class with the second graders, and he did show up.

With one kid, there’s not really a lot to do. We reviewed some of the material we covered this semester, but that kid is already the best one in the class, so he went through the review materials pretty quickly.

Once that work was complete, all that was left to do play a game. With one kid in the class there were not really a lot of gaming options. He wanted to play BINGO, and as I was explaining to him BINGO would not really work with one person, two of the second graders walked in. So BINGO was on.

I was a little confused as to why these kids showed up. There was about 10 minutes of class left when they showed up. Seriously why they bothered showing up at all was beyond me. Either way, I have four more days of classes like this coming up…woohoo!

In my collection of books I have a phrase book targeting Koreans who want to learn English. There are some decent expressions in the book for both Koreans learning English, as well as English speakers learning Korean, but it is obvious that the author did not consult a native speaker at all, as there are several mistakes, and countless oddly phrased expressions, anyone familar with English would have noticed immediately. So as a service to 박선화 (the woman who assembled this book), I am going to point out, mock, and subsequently correct some of the more obvious mistake.

Original English: My sister get higher salary than I.
한국어: 제 여동생이 저보다 금료가 높아요.
Comments: For starters there is not subject-verb agreement in this sentence. It should be “gets” as opposed to “get.” Additionally in English to say “I get a salary” doesn’t make sense. “My sister makes more than I do,” or “My sister’s salary is higher than mine,” would be better.

Original English: Would you mind if I just call you a Duck?
한국어: 그냥 당신을 ‘덕 (오리)’ 이라고 불러도 괜찮겠어요?
Comments: The grammar in this sentence is fine, but I have no idea why this sentence is included. Why would you ask someone if you could call them “a Duck?” Sentences are broken down thematically and the other sentences grouped with this are things like “Can you do me a favor?” and “May I ask a favor of you?” So I really have no idea what this is all about.

Original English: He has a good hand in riding.
한국어: 그는 승마를 잘합니다.
Comments: Except for the fact that no one uses the expression, “has a good hand in…” this sentence is fine.

Original English: I’d like to see an affective movie.
한국어: 애장 영화를 보고 싶어요.
Comments: Affective movie? I’m pretty sure the author was going for “an affectionate movie,” which still is wrong. “Romantic movie” or “love Story” would have been better choices.

Original English: What was the movie you saw lately?
한국어: 최근에 본 영화는 무엇입니까?
Comments: The Korean question would have been better translated as “What’s the latest movie you have seen?”

Original English: I’m hungry for hotdog.
한국어: 핫도그 먹고 싶어요.
Comments: The Korean version has nothing to do with hunger, nor should the English version. This is one of those cases where the author is trying to be too complex, keep it simple people! The Korean is “I want to eat a hotdog,” the English should be the same thing.

Original English: Could I burn a cigarette?
한국어: 담배 한 대 태워도 될까요?
Comments: If “I’m hungry for hotdog,” suffered due to the author not being literal enough in the translation this one suffers from being too literal. It seems that the author was simply rocking a dictionary to look up words on this one. ‘태우다’ literally means to burn, in this case a cigarette (담배). The sentence however in English would be “Could I smoke a cigarette?” or “Could I light up?”

And here I chose to put an end to this madness, for now. There are countless more mistakes in that book, and that book is not unique at all. In Korea, there are countless text books, phrase books, and television shows that “teach English,” but many of these educational tools have not consulted any kind of native speakers, or if they did, consulted really ignorant ones.

- 내친구를 만나기로 했어요.
I made plans to meet my friend.

- 여름방학에 美國에서 가기로 해요.
I plan to go to America during summer vacation.

- 냉면을 먹기로 해요.
I plan on eating naengmyeon.

- 2007년까지 한국에서 살기로 해요.
I plan on living in Korea until 2007.

I recently entered the 20th century and purchased a DVD / VCR combo device. Now that I have this device, I’ve been watching a lot more m-net (Korean music video channel). You see, as a side effect of my study of Korean and my subsequent relocation to Korea, my younger sister, got into Korean pop music. So now I have a VCR again, and as a service to her taped a bunch of music videos and “live” events off the music channel. While the random videos rolled, I noticed a deeply disturbing trend…there are way too many Korean singers rocking braided hair. Below are some examples:

I think these guys are called Side-B. Not that it’s really important. What is important is the guy in blue’s wack hair.

Usually hot member of Jewlery (the one on the right) totally ruins her look by adding some redankulous braids. The one next to her makes up for it by oozing sex.

picture 002
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

Maybe it’s just me, but they only people who can pull off braids without looking like complete wankers are black people. Sorry white college girl who just got back from a trip to the Bahamas, those braids make you look like a moron too. Anyhow, I prayed that perhaps this trend was just something celebrities were doing, like Puffy Daddy and his shiney moon suits he rocked for awhile. The other day I went to 동대문…and as usual, my prayers were not answered. Countless regular people (male and female) were sporting this horrific braids. Perhaps the worst were the girls who had white string braided in with their hair. Seriously it made their heads look like a mops.

And then I found this….Crazy Head (see photo at right), a hair shop in Hongdae specializing in bestowing this bad hair upon the populous of Korea. That means that there is enough demand for this kind of hair for a speciality shop to exist. It’s going to be a long spring, but at least they aren’t sporting mullets!

It is now obvious to me that I have been here entirely too long…or at least teaching elementary school children too long. Today I bring you two completely stupid Korean jokes as relayed to me by my students.

Q: Dracula는 어떤 음료 제일 좋아해요? (What kind of drink does dracula like best?)
A: 코피! (Ko-pi [a bloody nose])

Why is this funny? In Korean 코피 means “a bloody nose,” as mentioned above. 커피 (keo-pi) is coffee…they are very close in sound. Funny stuff right there I tell you! On to the second joke.

Draw a picture of a tree with a clock inside of it.

Q: 이것 모야? (What’s this thing?)
A: 나무 시계. (Tree clock.)

Why is this funny? When one says, “나무 시계”quickly it comes out sounding like, “나 무식해,” which means “I’m ignorant.” Ah the Korean equivelent of “Spell ‘I CUP.’”

“Bitter Sweet Life”

Last night I saw, 달콤한 인생, which is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. The premiss of the movie is a pretty standard revenge story, but the execution of it…awesome!

The movie’s main character starts off as a guy working for the Korean mob. His boss sends him off to keep tabs on a girl he’s dating. So the hero followers her around, beats up some non-gangster guy she’s seeing, takes her to cello practice (I’m not sure why the cello is the instrument of choice for so many Korean women in movies and TV shows), and basically falls in love with her.

Somehow the news of his love gets back to the boss who ain’t having none of it. The hero gets beat up my some Vietnamese guys with cudgels and taken to a warehouse where he’s going to get disemboweled. Some phonecall saves him and it’s different gangsters who break his hand with a pipe wrench, and then bury him alive.

The hero somehow digs his way out, but the gangsters are waiting there. They then hang out in a (different) warehouse. The gangsters mini-boss gives the hero some old cellphone and tells him that someone will call at a certain time. Mad gangsters are hanging around hobo fire barrels. The hero has a plan…a friggin’ awesome plan to escape.

He pretends to talk on the phone, the mini-boss comes over, and the hero totally slashes him in the face with the cellphone’s battery. From there it’s go time! The hero beats down gangsters with flaming pieces of lumber and crazy taekwondo skills (or is that skillz). At some point new gangster arrives in a car. The hero nabs said car, but it has gangsters all over it. So he does some awesome Grand Theft Auto style driving: slamming into crates, scrapping against walls, doing donuts, until he finally makes his escape by slamming through a brick wall.

After his escape, the hero scores some guns. While in an American movie this would have just been a trip to Walmart, here it involved a visit to Russian mobsters and a shoot out.

Once the hero is armed he heads off on as a one man wrecking crew, taking out all the assholes involved in his abduction and beating. The hero guns down mad fools in the bloodbath that is the last third of the movie. Unfortunately the brother of the Russian mobsters finds out that his brother (and associates) are corpsed up, and heads out with some guns of his one for his own revenge.

This would have to be one of the most out of control, bizarre movies I’ve seen in quite sometime. Inspite of his violent nature and short temper, the hero is immensely likeable. In one while he’s driving some guys in a tricked out car drive like assholes around him, and eventually throw a cigerrette at his car. Dude floors it, cuts off the assholes and puts his car in park. He beats down the crappy drivers (who deserved it for having a car with neon lights on the bottom), then took the keys out of their car in throws them in a river.

The movie was everything a guy could possibly want in a movie: plot driven violence, and while there was a love story of sorts, it was not the over wrought sappy kind of love story. In all I’d give this movie nine thumbs up.

※ Quick Korean Notes: 달콤한 인생 literally means “sweet life,” yet the movie itself gave the English title as “Bittersweet Life” so that’s what I’ll use. “Bittersweet” is 씁쓸하면서 달콤한 (and probably like seven other words or phrases, but that’s the one I know).

Now that I know too many Chinese characters, it’s funny to know what some words actually mean. Sometimes the characters used make perfect sense, sometimes not so much. Let’s take a look at some of the more wack combinations of characters used for common items.

First a series of completely random characters that make sense when put together.

飛行機 (비행기) - This word means “airplane.” The characters literally mean “to fly (飛),” “to go; to do (行),” and “machine (機).” So when you put them together you have “flying going machine,” which is pretty much an airplane is, so this particular word kind of makes sense.

Moving on, let’s take a look at one of my favorite words.

地下鐵 (지하철) - So 地 means, “ground,” and 下 means “down,” or “under,” so together they mean “underground.” 鐵 means “iron.” All together we have “underground iron.” “What’s that?” you ask. “Underground Iron,” (aside from being a decent name for a heavy metal band) is the Korean word for a subway. This is not the worst of the wacky names though as I can kind of see where it’s coming from. Tracks and trains are made of iron, and they’re underground, so there you go.

Next on the hit list, parachute.

落下傘 (낙하산) - 落 means to “fall,” or “scatter.” 下 still means “down” or “under.” And then there’s 傘 which is an “umbrella.” So we have a “fall down umbrella.”

沙果 (사과) - Hey kids do you like “sand fruit?” Err…apples? 沙 is “sand,” and 果 is “fruit.” Somehow together these characters become an apple.

And last, and in my humble opinion, the most wacky….

七面鳥 (칠면조) - These characters mean, “seven,” “face,” and “bird.” Without having any knowledge of Chinese characters, would you like to guess what this creature is? Some sort of mutant ostrich? Nope. Seven eagles? Good guess, but our princess is in another castle. Did you say turkey! That’s right! Aparently a turkey is a bird that has faces. Sorry Chinese language creators…I only see one face there.

Anyhow that about does it from me. There are tons more wacky character combinations floating around out there, so feel free to inform me in the comments section.

So here’s the news, I’m returning to America this summer. That’s right kids this summer it’s going to be “百害無益: hamburgers & me.”※ Well at least for two weeks it will be. After two years in the Land of the Morning Calm, it’s time for me to return to my homeland to visit friends and family and stock up on crappy American junk food.

Anyhow as a preview of what I’m returning to I present three highly flattering articles about some establishments in my hometown. The first article is about the Latham Circle Mall. This mall was about a 15 minute walk away from my home and this is where my friends and I would see movies, buy X-men comic books, and play Street Fighter 2 or Mortal Kombat during our years in middle school (or junior high as it was known in our hometown). I really look forward to being able to see all the development that has gone down there since my departure.

The second article deals with the train station near my home. This would be the train station I’d go to anytime I wanted to go into the city or head west to visit friends at college in Buffalo and get drunk and dance at a goth dance club, or play Candy Land as a drinking game, or make out with some girl I’m pretty sure was a lesbian. Anyhow the station used to be really small and kind of turn of the century looking, I’m glad they were finally able to give it the much needed facelift and modernization it was begging for.

The final article deals with the local airport’s desire to get rid of the one thing that gave my stupid podunk town any character most hideous structure ever, the Latham Water Tower. I hope the airport is successful in getting that piece of crap torn down, and I can go home to a home town with an airport that gets even more traffic.

Anyhow that about does it. Check this spot between July 30th and umm…August 13th when kimchi & me does America!

※ Geeky 漢字 Notes: The 四字成語 prior to hamburgers & me, 百害無益 (read in Korean as 백해무익), literally means “100 harms no benefits,” and can be used to describe something (or someone) that has nothing good about it (them).

- 아침에 많이 먹었어. 그래서 안 배고프구나.
I ate alot this morning. That’s why I’m not hungry.

- 한국에서 2년 살았어요. 그래서 한국말 잘 해구나.
I lived in Korea for two years. That’s why I can speak Korean well.

- 그래서 재미있구나.
That’s why it’s fun.

붕어빵
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

This is 붕어빵 (bung-oh bbang). 붕어 means “carp” and 빵 means “bread”, but aside from the shape of this product, this product (unlike other Korean snack products) has nothing to do with fish. This is a bread product filled with 팥 (pat). 팥 is a sweet paste made from red beans. This delicious treats are avalible from street vendors in the cold months of fall and winter.

- 내여자친구덕분에 한국말 조금만 할 줄 알아요.
Thanks to my girlfriend I know how to speak Korean a little bit.

- 그책덕분에 요리하는 것을 배웠어요.
Thanks to that book I learned how to cook.

- 직업덕분에 좋은 親舊들 만났어요.
Thanks to my job I met good friends.

- 通勤時間덕분에 한국어 공부시간 많이 있어요.
Thanks to my commute time, I have a lot of time to study Korean.

- 地下鐵덕분에 나는 여자친구를 만났어요. (정말이야!)
Thanks to the subway I met my girlfriend. (Honestly!)

親舊 (친구 / friend)
通勤 (통근 / commute)
時間 (시간 / time)

It is kind of odd to see Korean’s reaction to pop culture things from my childhood in America. First was U-rim’s reaction to Return of the Jedi. Today we are going to be examining my students’ reaction to the classic late 80s early 90s program, “Saved By The Bell.”

Saved By The Bell cast in all their neon color, and big hair glory.

Yesterday I showed an episode of Saved By The Bell to the middle school students I tutor on Saturday afternoon. For me it was more interesting to watch their reaction to the show than watch the actual show itself.

The particular episode in question had Kelly fail a science test. Zack in an effort to win Kelly’s heart (and get tickets to a George Michaels concert) has Screech tutor Kelly. This plan backfires and Kelly gets a crush on Screech. She ends up passing her test and wants to take Screech to the concert. Screech isn’t interested (”George Michaels? Why me…I hate him.”) and then explains that he and Kelly have very little in common and that dating wouldn’t work. Zack and Slater then swoop in to make the rebound, but Kelly is distraught and gives the tickets to the two guys and in a classic Saved By The Bell homoerotic moment, Zack and Slater plan a date to go see George Michaels together (which at present is even more homoerotic than it was at the time).

The most homoerotic picture on this webpage.

The reactions from my students to this was pretty outstanding. Each and every time Slater appeared on screen half the kids would errupt in riotous laughter. “LOOK AT HIM! HIS PANTS! HIS HAIR!” In all honesty the first time I saw him, I too smirked, as it’s been a few years since I saw Slater and his mullet and Zubaz pants, and had forgotten just how rediculous they were, but after the initial shock I was able to keep it together, my students were not.

In addition to the early 90’s disaster that was A.C. Slater, this particular episode featured Screech’s robot, Kevin. This particular robot made lame G rated jokes, but my students found them to be entertaining.

The episode also featured a couple kisses. Culturally this was kind of unusual. Here in Korea kissing is not appropriate to do in public, and it’s rarely shown on television. Even shows that feature a kiss, that kiss is more often than not faked (ie shot from the back of someone’s head so that you can’t see the actual kiss). The kisses in Saved By The Bell were little more than pecks on the cheek, but to see the react of my students you would have thought Kelly was preforming fellatio in the middle of the science classroom.

Attack The Gas Station!

Last night I saw what would have to be one of the most awesome movies ever, Attack the Gas Station! As I watched it last night, I wrote an outstanding review / summary of the movie, the only thing is I was drinking soju as I wrote the review, and there were no subtitles, so as the movie progressed, I became more intoxicated and less able to understand the actual dialogue. I have not edited anything I wrote in the original review (all drunken typos and errors remain). One more thing,

SPOILER WARNING

Anyhow without further ado here’s my drunken review of 주유소습격사건!

Ok how can I adequately describe this movie? Well, it starts off with four guys trashing a gas station. The movie then jumps ahead a week in time and the same guys trash the same station again. This all goes down within the first five minutes of the film.

The second time around the four guys take over the gas station, holding the employees hostage as they run roughshod over the station. At first the guys have some pointless mischief (ie. Filling up a guy’s guess tank when he only wanted 20,000 won worth of gas and then making him pay the full price).

Four guys:

Guy with no shirt and a big stick. Makes people stand like they are going to do push ups, but put their forehead on the floor and put their hands behind their back

Leader guy. Throws crap

Guy with long hair.

Guy with bleached hair. Spray paints junk.

Brawl some local hoods inside a car wash…take same hoods hostage.

After taking the hoods hostage they are hungry, and call a Chinese restaurant and order everything on the menu. Some cops show up to use the can. The cops find a car with the tail light smashed (earlier chaos the guys pulled…there was a lady in the trunk as well).

The cops hassle one of the guys for drinking pepsi, and accuse him of being a “foreign bastard,” but the guy insists Pepsi is a local drink since the Pepsi logo is the same as the Korean flag, before departing after some speeding car.

Apparently one of the local bike thugs escaped and tells the other bikers about the fucking bastards who got their buddies.

Back at the gas station, the guy with no shirt has a battle between the gas station employees and the thugs, but gets pissed off when the thugs are using profanity. The wussy gas station employee ends up giving the thug and bloody nose and then knocking him out. The employee thinks he’s all badass now.

Back at the pumps some 아저씨 gives the guys a credit card, but he doesn’t know how to use work it, and ends up getting short changed. To make matters worse, the tape player eats his tape.

Some food arrives and we are treated to a flashback of the bleached guys childhood. Apparently he’s an artist, but his dad through his work was shit, and or a waste of time and smashed paintings over bleached guy’s head.

Back at the pumps the owner tries to tell the delivery guy to get help. He drives off. Bikers show up and get their asses kicked by the guys as classical music plays. Someone gets fish hooked and someone catches a plate full of 짜장면 in the face. The owner tries to escape, but the leader of the guys catches him on a scooter.

Back at the station the new bikers join the hostages…it’s like some goddamned pokemon. The bad ass employee gets too big for his britches, until the guy with a stick puts him in his place.

Back in the owners office, he discovers takes a phone out of some drawer. All the other phones have been smashed earlier, but the guys are having him repair one. He goes to call someone, but the new phone is smashed as well.

Around this time a Korean baseball player shows up (for the Unicorns no less). We are treated to a flashback of the leader being told he’s no good by some minor league coach.
Ballplayer gives guy a signed ball.

Back at the station the cops return from chasing the speeding car…they didn’t catch him but need to refill. The guys get into it a bit with the cops for not paying for gas. So the leader goes after them on a scooter to collect the cash. He ends up laying down in the street under the police car.

Chinese delivery guy comes back with more food, but the guys have no cash so he phones in some backup.

Hold on a second…I’m a little drunk and suddenly the biker guys are doing an impromptu rap/tribal chant (and banging on an empty water cooler jug) for the guys while they eat Koreanized Chinese food.

The guys then verse the biker thugs in some Korean game that involves jumping on backs and doing rock scissor paper. There’s then a training montage that involves, biker guys dance and doing STOMP-esque music, one dude painting crap, and the leader training for a baseball comeback.

Some producer sees the bikers and gives them a card. Flashback to longhair’s past. Some kind of band which reminds me of the band the guy had in one of the first seasons of the Real World…it’s all leather vests, and head bands. Some unseen entity beats the crap out of the dead and that ends his music career.

Some rich fuckin’ bitch with a gas tank in the front comes to the station, and is pretty much a bitch. Talking on the phone and pretty much being a bitch. I hope she gets put in a trunk or…well she’s a hostage now too. Guy with big stick seems to like her.

The owner fixes the phone, but the leader smashes it…he has the rich bitch’s cellphone. Some dude calls and calls the leader a bitch.

Cuts to some gangster guys smashing up a 포장마차.

We then see a flashback of the cut scene in which he is made to do that push up with his face thing buy a high school teacher. He then sends everyone out of the room save for the rich bitch.

A car stops at the gas station. It’s the rich bitch’s boyfriend. Upstairs the guy with a stick is playing a game with the girl in which they have to say a word and then the next person says a word starting with the last syllable (ie. PERSON 1: be-come PERSON 2: mumblebee). Guy with big stick is really good at it and apparently they were playing the strip version of the game. He has the girl down to her pants and is about to get her to take her bra off when the boyfriend is brought up into the room.

They send the guy and girl away in some motorcycle. The speeding car drives by again, and causes the motorcycle to crash into a ditch. The leader chucks a baseball through the window of the speeding car causing all kinds of car crashing into watermelon nonsense.

One of the employees gets sent away because he has to give someone medicine, and suddenly some Korean gangster is at the gas station. I’ve seen enough Korean movies to know a Korean gangster when I see one, and this is one.

HOLY SHIT I WAS TOTALLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONE MINUTE AND SUDDENLY THERE ARE A TON OF MOTORCYCLES POPPIN’ WHEELIES AND JUMPIN’ OVER CRAP EVIL KENEVIL STYLE!

I guess the Chinese delivery guy has some biker gang back up… He looks pissed off. Oh SHIT! HELLA KOREAN GANGSTERS ARRIVE AS WELL! Delivery guys and gangsters start yelling shit at each other where every other word is “새끼야!”

GANGSTER vs. DELIVERY BOY BATTLE!!!
Best part of this fight some delivery guys are using the metal delivery box as a weapon (those in Korea who have ordered food will know exactly what I speak of). During this melee the girl gas station employee escapes on a scooter.

Some cops show up! One gangster shoots off a gun. The heroes of the story start getting beat down, but then the leader sprays everyone down with gas, and holds up a lighter. He forces everyone down. The owner rushes out. The cops from earlier in the movie come back, guns drawn (for those not in Korea, cop guns here are wack in that they are attacked to the cop’s belt with a telephone looking wire…so crooks can’t loot said gun).

The female employee is back with the leader’s wallet. The guy with a big stick, at the suggestion of the previously whimpy employee makes everyone get down in that pushup position. Everyone gets in the rich bitch’s sports car and drive off. All the gangsters and delivery guys whip out lighters.

The heroes drive off into the sunset…er sunrise. End credits the painter paints some painting and then throws red paint on it. The rocker had a new band that rocks out hard. The guy with a big stick is a security guard or cop or possibly a taxi driver since all of them wear similar uniforms. Leader is a baseball player again…or trying out. He knocks out the ref. The End.

Apparently the moral of the story was follow your dream and drink Pepsi and trash gas stations when you are bored. In all I’ll give this fine film 7 thumbs up.

I hope you enjoyed this drunken review / summary of Attack the Gas Station.

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve actually learned any Korean profanity. Since I worked for Koreans will still living in America, I learned most of the more extreme words before I ever set foot on Korean soil (or in a Korean language class for that matter).

Even the childish name calling (which I hadn’t heard in America) I learned with the first couple weeks of arriving in Korea. These phrases were fairly easy to learn since they were just different combinations of the word 바보 (babo / fool), and 똥꼬 (ddong-kko / butthole), with the occasional 돼지 (dweji / pig) thrown in for good measure, but today I learned an outstanding new elementary school insult. I give you: 짝궁뎅이 (jjak gung deng e)!!!

Today in my kindergarten class, one of the boys drew a picture similar to the one above. When I asked him what it was, he proclaimed, “짝궁뎅이!” which resulted rawkus laughter from the other students.

I made a further inquire as to what this picture actually was. He went on to explain in a combination of Korean and English, that one ass cheek was big, and the other was not big. Basically the ass was uneven.

Ever meet a Korean with one cartoonishly large ass cheek and needed to insult them? Need a really specific term with which to mock them? Well, my friends, now you have it!

editor’s notes: Please bear in mind this is a definition I pieced together from a five year old’s explaination. If you have further explaination as to what 짝궁뎅이 is, or if you know someone who actually has an ass like this, drop some comments.

When my girlfriend returns home from work I somehow loose all rights to the television. The only program that she will ever stop on if I call out “Stop!” while she is flipping through the channels is Arirang TV’s Let’s Speak Korean. Other than that she has complete control and nothing I say counts.

I’m not going to say that my girlfriend has bad taste in television programs, because there are some show she selects that I would (and do) watch when she is not around, but more often then not she selects some crappy, poorly acted, over the top “drama.” Recently that drama has been, “결혼하고 싶는 여자 (The Woman Who Wants To Marry).” This is not the worst Korean program I’ve seen, or even the worst drama for that matter (the God awful “Hong Kong Express” gets that distinction), but the show is not breaking any new ground in the story. Basically like all Korean dramas, this drama tells the story of a girl lusting after a guy who has no interest in her, and her quest to attempt to win him over.

While the story has been done to death in this kind of show, in my viewing of this program, I realized something about the populous of Korea. Koreans have a bizarre tendancy to randomly use English while talking to each other. Bellow is an example of what I’m talking about:

PERSON 1: 배고파요. (I’m hungry.)
PERSON 2: 식당에 갈래? (Shall we go to a restaraunt?)
PERSON 1: 네, Let’s go! (Yes, Let’s go!)

I’d never noticed how prevelant this trend was until watching “결혼하고 싶는 여자” last night. In the episode, random English sentences (or single words) popped up roughly every three minutes. Since I was not familiar with the plot I had to ask my girlfriend if there was a rational explaination for this.

The heroines of this “outstanding” program. The one with the blue plastic penis brings to mind the song “Lola,” by The Kinks “She walked like a woman, but talked like a man.”

Since one woman in particular (the woman weilding the blue platic penis) was dropping huge ammounts of random English I had to ask if the character was supposed to be a 교포 (an overseas Korean), my girlfriend claimed she was not, and that, “she just likes English…now be quiet!”

So I shut up and started thinking, how often I’ve been on the subway and overheard Korean conversations that included random English for no reason at all. It’s not like in America I will be speaking to my native English speaking friends and will randomly start speaking in French (a language we studied in high school).

ME: Man I gotta pee. Ou est le salle de bain? (I haven’t studied French in almost seven years and am well aware of the fact the bulk of those words are probably spelled incorrectly).

I then realized that the bulk of Americans are monoligual, and those that are biligual don’t share a common second language. I mean at this point in my life I’m decent at Korean, one of my friends can speak fluent Spainish, and another Russian…it’s not like any of us could break out a second language and still be understood, unlike here where everyone studies English.

Still that being said, back when we were all studying French none of us walked around yelling crap like “Oh mon ami!” So I’m still perplexed as to why English is used by Koreans in conversations with other Koreans.

I think I would be remiss if I never mentioned “Fuckin’ USA.” The subtitles reveal this as a North Korean produced video, and while the visuals may in fact be North Korean in origin, I’d have to say the song is a product of my current nation of residence.

The first reason for this assumption comes from the dialectic differences between the language of North and South Korea. In addition to having different pronunciations, the two nations have different words for many things. Take “Korea” for example.

In the South, people use the word, “북한 (北韓)” when talking about North Korea. In the North, people use the word “조선 (朝鮮)” instead of “북한.” “Fuckin’ USA,” makes use of the word “북한,” a term no self respecting North Korean would to refer to their home country.

The second reason I believe the song to be from the South is the mention of the USA stealing “our medal.” This is a reference to the Apollo Ono debacle of the 2002 winter Olympics. The medal in question was “stolen” from a South Korean, and is something most North Koreans wouldn’t even know about.

The lyrics and sheet music for this sure to be classic song.

But the main reason I believe this to be a product of the South is the music itself. Listen to that quasi-hard rock sound. The use of the English language. The instruments used. All these things point to a South Korean creation.

For a point of comparison I present you with this, the mother load of North Korean music. That’s roughly 200 North Korean tunes there, none of which come anywhere close to sounding like “Fuckin’ USA.” The bulk of All of the North Korea songs sound like something out of a different time (or universe). While “Fuckin’ USA,” is not the most modern sounding track, it does not sound like something out of the 1930s or 40s (with 1970s instrumentation).