WARNING: The following post is rated R, viewers under the age of 17 are not permitted.
On Saturday morning (after hanging out with punk rockers in a park), I traveled to a local college campus to meet up with the lady I tutor. For some reason on this particular day, the university was holding a book fair, so my student and I checked out the fair and picked up some outstanding (and cheap) books.
Among the awesome books I hauled in was a book titled, 「잘못 쓰면 위험한 영어」 (literally “English That Is Dangerous If You Use It By Mistake”). The book was actually a lot more academic than I expected from a slang phrase book. The book included a lot of historical examples explaining the meaning of various slang and profanity, but among these dry historical examples there were some dangerous phrases to be had. Let’s check out some of the best (worst) expression found within this tome.
단지 그녀가 일이란 그녀의 겆통을 약간 흔드는 것뿐이었다. 그래서 그녀는 그 직장을 잡았다.
All she needs to do is make her tits quake a bit and she’s got the job.
What kind of job is this woman applying for? Unless she’s looking for a job at a place with a name like Nightmoves, or Shenanigans, or something along that line, I really can’t see how a woman’s ability to make her tits quake is a pre-requisite for any type of employment.
그는 음모 없는 여자를 원했다.
He wanted a woman with no bush.
More likely than not if this guy is in Korea he’s going to be out of luck.
아빠, 내 고추가 지퍼에 걸려버렸어요.
Daddy, my cock is stuck in a zipper.
This phrase appeared in the book exactly like this. I’m in shock that such phrase was included. The “Daddy” in conjuction with the word “cock” just struck me as entirely fucked up.
탐은 대단한 색골이야.
Tom is such a cunt-hound.
I’ve never heard of a “cunt-hound” before, but the Korean word “색골” is a lewd person. It kind of strikes me as an early 60’s TV sitcom mixed with Andrew Dice Clay or some other dirtbag who utters the word “cunt.” Seriously who would say something like this?
카산드라는 궁정 호위병들에게 강간당했다.
Cassandra was gangbanged by the palace guards.
I’m not make this up, this expression was included in the book. I need to somehow include this expression in the next conversation I have with someone in Korean.
Not all the phrases were this outstanding. Some of the expressions made no sense to me, but I think that the bulk of these are things that hail from merry old England.
그 여자 끝내주는 차를 갖고 있네!
What a tits car she’s got!
The thing I’ve noticed about all of these kind of books is they make no distinction between phrases used in England and phrases used in the States. The bulk of Americans would have no clue as to what a “tits car” is.
So there you have it, dangerous Korean and umm…stupid English.
Last week a new girl joined one of my classes. The first couple days she was kind of quiet, but today for some reason she decided it was high time she asked a ton of really random questions (in fairly decent English) about Mr. Dunn.
“Mr. Dunn…how do you write your name?”
“Mr. Dunn…when is your birthday?”
“Mr. Dunn…what is your hobby?”
“Mr. Dunn…what is your umm…고향 (hometown)?”
I answered her questions, and she jotted down notes in her notebook, like she was interviewing me for a fanzine or the 고양초등학교일보 (Goyang Elementary School Daily). Probably the weirdest question and answer session I’ve been subjected to since arriving here.
Fast forward an hour to a different class. Today they were covering “I” and “me” and when to use each of them. After some practice and verbal exercises, the students had to create a sentence using “I” and a sentence using “me.” Allow me to present what would have to be the best two sentence combination ever drafted: “I am hungry. Give me a cat.”
Cleary being foreign in Korea has some negative side effects: stares, jacked up prices, random people wanting to practice English with you, drunk crazy guys poking you in the eye, but there is one thing that makes up for all of this: the fact that people handing out crap on the street all but ignore you.
Like all major cities, Seoul has its share of guys and gals on street corners handing out various promotional material: arcade / casino flyers, religious material, coupons for various eateries, and so on. But when the said people see my white ass, they turn away, thus saving me the “Here you throw this out,” interaction the handbill people have with the reast of the general public.
So while on the street, I am ignored by the bulk of people hawking stuff, but on occassion, various door to door salesmen and Jehovah’s Witnesses will knock on the door of my humble abode. Now walking up to a stranger’s house and ringing the bell is a lot like Let’s Make A Deal. The person going door to door has no idea what’s going to be behind a particular door. Maybe it’s a car, but more often than not it happens to be a goat or a mule. For the most part these people go door to door in the mid-morning 10:00, 11:00 in the morning. I don’t venture off to the office until after noon, so if someone comes knocking, I’ll be there to answer, and more often than not, in the minds of the door to door salesmen, I’m the goat, not the 1977 Dodge Dart.
Now let me briefly explain my morning ritual. Most mornings are spent by me hanging around my apartment in various states of undress drinking green tea, using the internet, and studying Korean. So in the event the someone rings my doorbell, I have to pull on some pants. I rarely have a chance to zipper said pants, but it doesn’t matter…I must answer the door, since it could be Publisher’s Clearing House!
On a particular day I hear the bell ring. I jump up to answer the door, pulling on some clothing as I go. I’m clad in some white Salvation Army t-shirt with some rediculous graphic on it, and a pair of slacks, belt undone, zipper not zipped. I open the door and there before me are some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Now usually they see me, utter the one English word they know (”Jesus”), hand me a copy of “The Watchtower,” and hit the bricks, but for some reason this time they asked (in Korean) if I could speak Korean, and for some reason I proclaimed (in Korean), “Of course I can speak Korean!” I am now presenting the following conversation I had with these women. I’ve taken the liberty of translating the conversation into English, since the bulk of my readers don’t understand Korean, but remember this conversation was held entirely in crappy Korean (on my end).
WOMAN 1: (shocked at my white face)Oh! Can you speak Korean?
ME: Of course I can!
WOMAN 2: (to her partner) He speaks Korean well!
ME: No, no…not really.
WOMAN 1: Why did you come to Korea?
ME: Well I wanted to learn Korean….(I notice The Watchtower they hold) and I’m a Buddhist!
WOMAN 1 & 2: A Buddhist?! Really?
ME: Yes. For five years!
WOMAN 1: Wow! Where are you from?
ME: America. I come from New York. (I always add I’m from New York, because even those Koreans who “hate” America and Americans hold no ill will towards New York).
WOMAN 2: Are there are many Buddhists in America?
ME: Oh yes, it very popular right now…so much so that a lot of famous actors pretend to be Buddhist.
WOMAN 1: Well if you want to go to heaven please read this.
ME: I don’t want to go to heaven. Wanting only leads to suffering.
WOMAN 2: He is really a Buddhist….he won’t join us.
WOMAN 1: Well thank you for your time.
ME: No problem.
Today I was really stoked all day. 유림 had to have dinner / have it out with her mother, so I came up with this ass kicking plan to go check out Star Wars Episode III after work (since 유림 was not to keen on Return of the Jedi that time we watched it dubbed into Korean). So I got off the train in 신촌 instead of 홍대 and of the three movie theaters in the area, none were showing it. The ticket girl at third theater I went to told me that the movie would be out on the 26th. Korea, what the crap dudes? It’s even out in mainland China, get your act together “Land of Morning Calm.” So disheartened, I picked up a couple VCDs (video CDs) and a brew and headed home.
So right now instead of watching Jedis getting their asses kicked I’m drinking some brew and waiting for tator tots…oh I’m sorry “potato gems” to cook. So as I wait, you get to read some of the nonsense I’ve been working on as of late. First off I need to get my exercise on (due to stuff like brews, and tater tots). I’m not really a gym kind of guy, so I need to look into other options. I’m looking into either doing 검도 (kumdo / better known in the west by the Japanese name kendo), or another Korean martial art (택견). So I need to find some schools in my neighborhood.
Additionally, this weekend I signed up to take the national 漢字 (Chinese characters) level test in September. There are eight levels to these tests (eight being the lowest, one being the highest). My teacher recommended I take either level six or level five, and gave me some practice test so I could see how they were. Man are they easy…or at least the level 6 test is. The level 5 test on the other hand is rediculously tough (mainly because it covers a lot of characters I’ve not learned yet). So if I want to take the level five test, I have a lot of work to do over the next four months.
Anyhow tater tots…excuse me “potato gems” are ready, and I have some Korean films that aren’t exactly watching themselves, so I must be going.
Back when I was residing in America I came across this picture, and decided that the girl in the middle was probably the most perfect female in the history of the world, unfortunately I have no clue as to who she is. Since I have been unable to find a name for this woman, I am turning to you the reader and requesting your assistance in my quest to give her a name.
한국말 할 수 있는 여러분, 부탁이 있습니다. 내생각에는 중간여자는 너무 예뻐요. 하지만 그녀의 이름 몰라요. 이름 알으면 나에게 말해 주세요. 많이 감사합니다!
This morning during my pre-work, stare at random crap on TV while I use the internet time, I came across a odd Korean music video. The song itself was nothing spectacular, some random Korean techno-pop brought to us by 신지 of Korean techno-pop group Koyote fame, but some of the images displayed in the video were pretty bizarre.
I’m not sure what the video is for, it kind of looks like some soundtrack work for some cartoon, but that’s not the issue here. The biggest question to arise out of this video is what “yogurting” is. Seriously why is a noun being treated as a nominalized verb? It’s like, “Hey Wyatt can you come out to the club tonight?” “No sorry, I’m really busy tonight.” “With what?” “I’m busy yogurting.”
I already wrote about some of the crap appearing in a English phrase book for Koreans. Today we are going to look at some of the crap going the opposite way. Here are some phrases pulled from some phrase book left in my old apartment by the teacher who lived there prior to me. Please note this is not Making Out In Korean, but some more legitimate phrase book for tourists.
심장마비가 났어요. (Shim-jang-ma-bi-ga na-sseo-yo.)
I’ve had a heart attack.
This is listed under “I need first aid!” and “Someone help!” If you are in the midst of having a heart attack are you going to be in any condition to be bellowing about it in a language you have no command of? This line seems kind of pointless to include.
치마와 속옷을 벗으세요. (Chima-wa so-go-seul beo-seu-se-yo.)
Remove your skirt and underwear please.
So polite. I think if you are asking a girl to strip you could use a slightly less formal form. “벗어” would probably be more appropriate…unless you were a doctor treating a woman and not actually bedding them down.
밴드 불러 주시겠어요? (Ppaen-deu pul-leo chu-shi-ge-sseo-yo?)
Can we get a “one man band?”
This is one of those phrases that I have never heard other. Hell, I don’t even know what “밴드 불러” is. I’ve asked various Korean friends this question while out on the town, and not even Koreans know who this joker is.
So there you go, try this nonsense out with your Korean friends…and for God sake, if any of them know about the “one man band” let me know what it is, and where I can find one.
I was chatting with one of my friends on MSN last night and he mentioned that he was having his students draw a picture of 신화 (a Korean boyband) eating 호빵맨 (better known by his Japanese name Anpanman) for some reason. I thought that this was a great idea for an art project, and assembled the following art piece. The large chunky man in the picture is Bruce K. Grant, author of A Guide To Korean Characters, and the Chinese character on his shirt, 肥 (살찔 비), means fat. Anyhow without further ado I present, 호빵맨 먹는 신화!
Today while teaching, I came across not one, but two incredibly lewd expressions expertly concealed in the various reading text books, much like the boner in the cover of The Little Mermaid video.
First up, in the story “What A Trip!” (about a deep see dive), there was the line, “It is not fun to get pricked.” I know some ladies, and fellas for that matter, would beg to differ. Additionally there was a line that “Some fish can prick,” which prompted a class full of Korean children to yell “prick.”
A short while later my higher level class was reading the epic tale, “Ant,” and in this tale they learned about “munching carpet” or at least ants that are like a “munching carpet.”
Seriously, what kind of perverts are writing this crap?
This past week I’ve heard some truly awful tunes blasting in various places in and around Seoul. I’m not speaking of the random bad, interchangeable Korean pop music either. I’m talking about some horrible, horrible American tunes.
First up is the New Radicals tune, “Get What You Give.” This tune popped up in some commercial for a show on one of the cable channels. This song was one of those late 90’s crap tunes that somehow passed as rock in 1998 or 1999 and was all over the radio and MTV at that point and no one could honestly say they liked. How this crap becomes popular, and why it’s now being used in Korea for commercials for Queer Eye For the Straight Guy (or some other home make-over show) is beyond me.
The next tune is Kim Carnes, “Bette Davis Eyes.” I heard this tune blasting at an outdoor market in 고양시. It’s not really a bad tune, but ever since some drunk 아줌마 tried to put the moves on me in Family Mart while this tune was playing, I feel uncomfortable anytime I hear this tune.
50cent “In Da Club,” is next up on this list. “But Wyatt 50cent is hella popular dawg!” Yes my backward baseball cap wearing reader, I’m well aware of the fact that 50cent is “hella popular” especially in..well, “da club,” but one does not expect to hear “Go Charlotte it’s yo burfday…we gonna party like its yur burfday,” while at the supermarket where a bunch of old Korean women are strolling around. Additionally just because the song is “hella popular,” does not mean it’s good.
And finally for today I’d like to point out that nothing says high fashion like Elvis Presley. Since I’m not a hick I have no idea what song it is (it’s not “Hound Dog” or “Jailhouse Rock,”), but one of the fashion channels here uses some Elvis tune in their commercials. Wtf dude? Do they know what the average Elvis fan looks like? Somehow they don’t strike me as high fashion people.
Billy Murry, The Chick From Ghost World, The Dude Who Played Pheobe’s Half-Brother On Friends, and Random Japanese Tits…What’s Not To Like?
I finally got around to checking out Lost In Translation today (God do I feel like Jackie Harvey, The Onion’s Hollywood outsider). Man what an outstanding film that was! It had everything one could want in a film: outstanding humor, beautiful cinematography, and Japanese tits…it doesn’t get any better than that!
As a foreigner residing in Asia there were a lot of scenes that spoke to me. The scene where Bob (Bill Murray) is recieving directions from a film director via a translator reminded me a lot of when I first came to Korea. The director would speak for like five minutes and the translator was like, “He said look at the camera.” It was a lot like staff meetings at my first place of employment. The owner would speak for like five minutes and then our supervisor would be like, “He said, ‘Good job.’”
The other thing that really stuck with me was the a brief segment in which the main characters were out on the town and Bill Murray’s character ends up chatting it up with some random Japanese dude at a bar. Anyone who has lived in a foreign country for any period of time will know that experience and know that kind of local who will strike up drunken conversation with foreigners at bars.
There were some things that did not apply to me. Mainly the fact that I have enough of a command of Korean to carry on most conversations (and definately to order dinner without resorting to pointing to a menu). Additionally I did not feel any of the loneliness or desparation the characters in this movie felt due to being in a foreign land, but perhaps this comes from the fact that I can communicate with locals. I’ve met foreingers who can’t speak Korean and end up being miserable here.
One other thing I noticed was the shots of Tokyo really made Seoul seem like a tiny, slum like city. Even if all they stuff shown in this movie was shot in the nicest parts of Tokyo, I’ve been to the nicest, most extravagent parts of Seoul and the stuff I saw in this flick beat Seoul down like Hulk Hogan beating down Andre The Giant.
※ Editor’s Note: The Korean title of this flick is 사랑도 통역이 되나요? which works out to be something along the lines of “Can ‘Love’ Be Translated As Well?” This is kind of ironic in that this title kind of lost something in the translation.
I’ve been studying a lot of idioms, figures of speech, and the like as of late, in particular the four Chinese character idioms. Today I came across an expression that got me to thinking about language and where things come from. That expression was:
一石二鳥
(일석이조 / Il Seok E Jo)
(One Stone Two Bird)
That’s right, it’s “kill two birds with one stone.” Both English and 漢字 versions of this expression have the same meaning as well. This was kind of odd to mean since while there are expressions with similar meanings, rarely do they use the same metaphors to express them. So I got to thinking, where did this expression come from? Did it originate in the west and move to the east like McDonalds? Did the Chinese invent it and give it to Marco Polo with pasta? Or did this expression like other critical social developments arise in different cultures independently of each other?
Anyhow in completely unrelated news this evening I went to the corner store to pick up a cold one. The ajeossi working there was chowing down on some 김밥. He asked if I knew how to eat 김밥, I told him I did, and he proceeded to feed some to me. Probably one of the oddest trips to the corner store I’ve had since the time some drunk ajumma tried to put the moves on me at 10:00 in the morning.
This morning while on the subway I was studying 漢字 while on the way to work. In the lesson I studied today I they introduced the word 靑少年 (청소년) which in English would be “teenagers.” The book included, as an example, the phrase, “靑少年 (청소년)은 나라의 미래이다,” (Teenagers are a nation’s future.) I thought this kind of odd, since growing up in the west in the early 80s I was bombarded with all manner of “children are the future” touchy feely bullshit from all angles: Sesame Street, my social worker mother, Michael Jackson songs. And here on the subway I was learning that it was not children, but teenagers, that were the future.
“How can this be?” I asked myself. Fast forwarding roughly 2 hours, a higher power finally heard my question and saw fit to provide a tangible answer. I was begining my class of second and third grade students. One student, let’s call him Tony (since that’s the English name he goes by), feels the need to “hide” under a table in the classroom. He does this fairly regularly for the sole reason that he’s clearly totally fucked up in the head, so instead of giving him the attention that he is looking for I usually choose to ignore this preschool-esque behavior. Today, the other students in the class kept pointing under the table and proclaiming, “Mr. Dunn, Tony is under (the) table!” So I told the students, “Well, I guess he wants to be a baby. Leave him alone.”
Being hit with the truth (and called a baby) prompted Tony to crawl out from under the table and return to his desk. With that taken care of I went on with the business at hand. The boy next to Tony turned to Tony, and pointed, laughed and said, “Baby Tony!” So what does Tony do? Smack the kid? Start crying? Tattle? Nope. Tony decides he’s had enought and throws a handful of screws, nails, and other pointy metal things at me hitting me in the face. That was it. I put up with a lot of crap, but when I’m getting hit millimeters from my eye with nails that’s it. I bellowed screamed at the kid, kicked him out of the class and told him to go home. The secretary heard this and came. I told her what had happened, and then she started yelling at him in Korean. I went back into the classroom, and all the other students had that deer in a headlight look.
After about five minutes the mood had been returned to normal, though Tony did not return to class that day (he did apologize as the other students were going home), and I think it will be awhile before anyone in that class acts up. As I was picking up shrapnel that had been lobbed at me I remembered what I had read earlier in the day. Perhaps teenagers really are the future…but what about when Tony becomes a teenager? Then I think we’ll need to replace “靑少年은 나라의 미래이다,” with “우리는 미래 없다 (We have no future).”
※ Editor’s Notes: Skrew Attack (with a K not a C) is an outstanding Korean band. Check them out…this I command!
Koreans in general are obsessed with name brands and logos. Sit in a subway station and look at people as they walk by and you’ll be overwhelmed by the insane ammount of labels and logos that people will be wearing. Purses, shirts, hats, belts all need logos. Koreans don’t seem to care if the logo is real or fake, so today we will delve into the isane world that is Korean Puma knock offs.
What originally started off as either a spelling error or minor change to prevent lawsuits (POMA vs. PUMA) quickly became a comedic hit in Korea, so let’s check em out shall we?
Dama is a Korean (via Japanese) billiard term. Since I’m not a pool shark, I’m not sure if I’m correct or not, but I’m pretty sure it is the cue ball.
Pina (피나) is Korean for “To bleed” hence the bloody cat on the shirt.
Three for one. Chima (치마) is Korean for “skirt.” Piwooda (피우다) is Korean for “to smoke (a cigerette / cigar / pipe).” Somehow this became Pima for the purpose of these shirts. Biman (비만) is Korean for “fat” or a “gut” (not “pregnancy” like I first thought when I saw this shirt).
Imma (임마) is like “bastard.” It is commonly directed at ones own children prior to smacking them upside the head. This is not to be confused with ima (이마) which means forehead.
Jana. Well jada (자다) means to sleep in Korean. So there you go.
Pama (파마) is Korean for perm. Check out that sweet ajumma perm.
Hama (하마) is Korean for hippo. Aw so cute!
I’ve never seen this shirt in real life, and might just be someone’s Photoshop creation, but if it does exist it’s pretty easy to understand. Clearly Pika is Korean for “a mouse with a broken tail.”
Another shirt I’ve never seen before, this is probably the best of these knock off shirts. We’re going to consult my dictionary for this one. Goja (고자 / 鼓子) is “a man with underdeveloped genital organs.” Somehow the third…er fifth leg this puma is sporting doesn’t really seem “underdeveloped,” but whatever.
So there you have it: fake Korean Puma shirts revealed (and explained). You can thank me later, or now if you so desire.
Since I’ve come to Korea I have been told I look like a movie star…many many time, and it is always the same star. Orlando Bloom? Nope. Leonardo DiCaprio? Guess again. Edward Norton? Hell no. Give up? Koreans (men and women alike) are under the impression that I look like everyone’s favorite rainbow colored suspender wearing alien, Robin Williams.
I can’t see it…
Apparently it is not just Koreans that think this way, as last weekend at Darrell’s house warming party, a pair of Japanese ladies were like, “You look familiar. You like like…” “Robin Williams?” “Yes! You look like Robin Williams!”
So why is it that people in East Asia are under the impression that I look like Robin Williams? I think this cartoon provides the answer. Exam the fouth face, the last on the right.
So I’m in the midst of a four day weekend. Awesome! My “girlfriend,” (who I haven’t seen or talked to for more than 10 minutes in the past week) is “so busy” with her family and work, and can’t see me until Monday at the earliest. Not Awesome / Extremely Sceptical! So what’s a guy to do? Well if you’re me you travel to 이태원 (Itaewon), the foreign district, with Darrell and check out a blues jam session.
Those of you who have given this website more than a cursory glance will realize, blues jam session doesn’t fit with the shows I usually attend, and here are my drunken realizations about blues and live music in general.
The first band was kind of doing that AOR dentist office music (Sting, John Mayer, [insert other non-offensive artist here]), but they were playing it way too loud. That kind of music is background music. It’s the kind of music that is supposed to be played at a low enough volume that your dentist can carry on a one-sided conversation with you.
(Sting’s “Desert Rose” playing)
DENTIST: (checking for cavities) So how have you been Wyatt?
WYATT: MRRHGHH…MRRG GRRRGM MMEHRR.
DENTIST: That’s good. That’s good. So how’s school going.
WYATT: GOHHH. GHHRR SEHHHMMMESRRR GHHH….
But this guys were rocking out on some flaccid office rock like they were playing Led Zepplin or The Ramones, making carrying on a conversation nearly impossible, and this was without the added disadvantage of a dentist’s fists on my mouth.
After this first band, it was blues jam session time. It was during this that I realized the more technical prowess a musician has the more boring they are to watch. Look at an orchestra playing some classical music…they just sit there. They are technically sound in what they are doing, but there’s no stage show….then look at someone like The Choke Slammers. They were not talented musicians, but they knew how to put on a good show. Mexican wrestler masks and suplexes trump intricate guitar noodling any day.
Anyhow we bailed in the midst of the blues jams and somehow were able to catch trains back home without getting kicked off in a random station to find other means to get home. Once home I ate a microwaved hamburger, and then called it a night.
Several times in the past week several random shopkeepers have gone out of their way to speak to me in English. I realize that by being able to speak Korean I am probably in the minority of the foreign population living in Korea, so I can understand why they are speaking to me in English, but even if I respond in Korean they continue to use English.
Maybe it’s just me, but for some reason I always feel a little annoyed when the shopkeepers, cab drivers, ect. feel the need to speak to me in English, and this got me thinking. How would Koreans (or any other non-English group feel) feel if they were residing in America (or any other English speaking country) and native people spoke to them in Korean (or some other language)? Would a Korean in New York City feel the same frustration if I, knowing Korean, were to speak to them in Korean while serving them? Or am I just being overly sensitive?
