I told myself I wasn’t going to write anything about my breakup until I could do so with humor, and though it still hurts, I think I can write about it in a quasi-humorous fashion (if it’s not that funny, please don’t hold that against me and remember normal posting should return shortly).
First of I want to thank those of you who acted in the porn movies that made their way onto the internet called, sent emails, left messages, offered advice, bought me coffee, and offered to set me up on blind dates, for helping me get through this difficult time.
On Wednesday of last week U-rim and I were supposed to meet. At this point I had not seen her for roughly a month. I was going into this meeting with the intention of having a serious discussion with her about her lack of time for me, her fear of her mother, the fact that she stopped calling me because her mother “didn’t like it,” and her overall shabby treatment of me since her mother’s return to the city. However, as has become par for the course these days, U-rim sent me a message that, because of her family, she couldn’t meet me that day.
So, much to my dismay, I broke up with her. This was perhaps the oddest breakup I’ve ever had. I liken it to going to see a horror movie after reading spoilers for it online in that I could see everything comming before it happened. Sure you don’t jump when the spring loaded cat comes flying out of the closet, but you still feel gross and can’t sleep when it’s over. That and one desires to listen to far too much crappy emo music and drink a lot of alcohol.
The other thing that was rather odd was the fact that I have no ill will towards U-rim. There was never an “I hate you bitch!” moment, which is not to say I don’t have any anger…it’s just not directed towards her. “The who are you raging at?” Well for starters, her mother.
Since her mother returned in April I have seen U-rim for approximately 5 hours. Since U-rim never tells her mother who she is with, it doesn’t really have anything to do with my whiteness in this case, but more to do with the fact that her mother is bored and needs a hobby or friends. Since she is bored she constantly “needs” to see her daughter, thus leaving U-rim no time for me. I offered to take her mother out to dinner as a means of making some inroads into being accepted by her family, but her mother would have none of that. So I blame her mother.
Additionally I blame Confucius. I wish I could remember what book I read this in, but back when I was a scholar I came across an awesome quote that went something like, “Once the Koreans adopted Confucianism, they quickly became more Confucian than the Chinese.” I have never been in modern China, so I couldn’t tell you how much of a role Confucian thought still plays in Chinese society, but here in Korea, Confucianism is still guides all social relationships. For example in the case of two kids born six months apart, the one six months younger will have to defer to his elder and show them the utmost respect. The same thing goes for parents. Here one must never question their parents. A parent is never wrong and must be obeyed.
In my two years living in Korea, I think I’ve done pretty well in terms of cultural differences. I came here understanding that Korean culture and American culture are different and accepted these differences. One is not better than the other, they are just different. But today I learned that at least in regards to dating, Korean culture is wrong. In America if an adult is in a relationship with someone their parents don’t approve of, the parents can express their displeasure, but ultimately it’s the child’s life and the child’s decision. The relationship between parents and children here is a lot like those nut job parents you would see on talk shows who force their kids to play football or do beauty pagents as a means of living out their dreams (as opposed to letting the kids live out their own dreams).
So anyhow up yours U-rim’s mom! Up your Confucius!
Since breaking up, U-rim has sent me three text messages and attempted to call me once (I was teaching at the time and couldn’t answer the phone. When I called back she wouldn’t answer). In those messages she told me she missed me and that she needed “time for thinking.” For now she’ll get time for thinking, as I’m still too upset to go have anonymous sex with random ladies, or non-anonymous sex with the girl who works at the corner convenient store, but I’m not holding my breath for anything to happen. We were going out for almost a year and a half, her mother has been here over 2 months, and she has not done anything to attempt to remedy the situation.
Additionally the day after breaking up with U-rim, a girl I used to be “language partners” with called me out of the blue. I hadn’t really spoken with her that much since I started going out with U-rim since the entire concept of “language partners” is just ruse to attempt to meet foreigners / nationals of the opposite sex. Rare is the “language partner” who did not begin with the notion that, “I need a girlfriend / boyfriend.” So this girl calls me out of the blue, like she had some sort of ESP that Wyatt Dunn is now availible. In the course of the conversation she revealed the following information: she had a fight with her mother because she broke up with a guy her mother like, but she didn’t (willing to go against her mother’s will), and the fact that her father said it would be cool if she married a foreigner (parents accept the concept of international marriage). So if U-rim really wants me back she better get off her ass quickly and do something, since the ladies are already lining up…
