西洋오랑캐

It was a cold and bitter Sunday afternoon in late January. The moment Wyatt and Jinhui stepped off the bus the arctic wind ripped into their faces turning them a lovely shade of communist red. The pair hurried into the COEX shopping center cum aquarium cum expo center cum auditorium cum theater cum research facility, partially to get out of the cold, but primarily to go and look at the latest offerings in the world of wedding related goods and services.

That’s right, this past weekend I spent my Sunday afternoon looking at wedding invitations and talking to photographers. Ok, in all honesty, I didn’t so much talk to photographers as I did yell non-sequitors at them while Jinhui shot me cutting looks and talked about the specifics of various photo packages. The entire wedding expo experience was a lot less painful than it could have been. I mean, I got loads of free stuff, the shop keepers were all really kind and continually told Jinhui I was cute / spoke Korean well (and then proceeded to ask for our money), and we took care of a lot of the big stuff one needs to prepare for a wedding. All in all I had a blast, inspite of the fact that weddings are clearly for women.

“Weddings are for women?!” a shocked voice in the audience gasps.

Simmer down you. Yes, weddings are for women, and I am about to explain to you how and why I came to this conclusion. Take if you will, exibit 1: speaking with a photographer.

PHOTOGRAPHER: (addressing Jinhui) So you will get three dress changes, and five different hairstyles. In order to help you with hair and make-up we have a professional stylist on staff at the studio who can help you. There is also a woman who will give you facial massages. Uh…your fiance gets a vest and a jacket.

WYATT: Can I get in on some of that facial massage action?

PHOTOGRAPHER: No.

But perhaps more telling were the hanbok (한복) merchants. For you see due to the fact that only select members of my family, and only whatever friends of mine dwell in South Korea at the time of my wedding will be able to attend this wedding, Jinhui and I have decided that it would be better to have a wedding here in Korea and a wedding back in the United States, when we eventually end up there. Since neither of us are too keen on doing the exact same thing twice, we decided that while in Korea we should do it up Korean style. Since tuxedos and wedding dresses are not traditional Korean wedding ceremony fare, this means we need hanboks. Luckily for us the wedding expo had countless hanbok merchants.

I had a blast shopping for hanboks. The merchants were all really cool about giving me ddeok (떡 / rice cakes), and answering my dumb(mule) questions…you know, things like, “Why does that tiny hat cost more than it did to rent my apartment for the past three months?” and “Did people in Korea ever notice that M.C. Hammer totally ripped off hanbok trousers in the late 80’s and early 90’s?”

Anyhow I digress…weddings are for women. Ah yes, so the basic sales pitch from the hanbok vendors went something like this.

SALESPERSON: I told you, I don’t know who M.C. Hammer is…anyhow miss, for you, a yellow jacket would probably be the best for you…or some other light color.

JINHUI: White?

SALESPERSON and WYATT: (in unison) No white is for funerals.

SALESPERSON: As for the skirt I think red or pink would suit you the best. By the way are you planning on going back to the United States anytime soon?

JINHUI: Yes, we’ll probably be returning to America in the next year or so.

SALESPERSON: Then you will want to invest in this longer coat for when you attend parties in America.*

JINHUI: No, the basic hanbok will be fine. Now our mothers will be needing hanboks as well, and as you know his mother will be coming from America only a few days before the wedding.

SALESPERSON: That would not be a problem. If she were to arrive 3 or 4 days before the wedding we could measure her for the hanbok and have it ready the day of the wedding. Let me show you some of the more popular styles for mothers and mother-in-laws.

JINHUI: Oh that one is nice.

SALESPERSON: Yes, these colors are really popular these days with the mothers.

JINHUI: Great, we’ll get back to you soon about what we are going to do.

SALESPERSON: Fantastic.

WYATT: Hey, what about me? Don’t I need a hanbok as well?

SALESPERSON: Oh right…you. (Flips through about a hundred pages in the hanbok style book to the last page). These are the men’s hanboks. You can get them in blue, pink, or brown.

WYATT: What about gold sparkley pants? M.C. Hammer had a pair of sparkley pants?!

SALESPERSON: For the last time I don’t know who M.C. Hammer is!

* Every hanbok salesperson used this pitch. “You’ll need the long coat for parties!” Now, I don’t know if these women assumed I was a diplomat, a Hollywood big wig, or some other character that attends black tie galas…like a professional gambler, the chief of police, or Abe Lincoln, but I can count on my fingers the number of parties I have attended that require me to wear something nicer than my most ironic t-shirt, and do not involve me stopping at the local supermarket / liquor store for “a case of anything,” but they all seemed to be under the impression that America is a land of random and spontaneous dinner parties that require all married Korean women to have a long coat for their hanboks.