西洋오랑캐

One of the best things about moving into my current place of residence is the abundence of things I now at my disposal that meer months ago I could only dream of having access to. On the lower end of this spectrum are things such as some awesome books, and a scanner (hence the recent posts built around a scanned image of something I found on the street in the first months of my arrival), on the upper end of this is a car.

That’s right there’s a car here…a car that no one knows how to drive. My wife recieved her driver’s license and then never got behind the wheel of a car again. My father in law, upon hearing that I was a licensed driver (in the State of New York) for 10 years now, thought it would be a good idea if I instructed his daughter (my wife) on how to use this car. The only thing is I would need a valid license in Korea if I wanted to take the car out of the parking lot.

So it was Wednesday, February 1st, 2006 and I headed out to the Korean version of the department of motor vehicles. Since I already had a valid license issued elsewhere in the world I was exempt from most parts of the test. I had to fill out a form, have a health exam, and then take a written test of the rules of the road. Easy enough task…or so I thought.

The paperwork I needed to fill out was not that bad, but like all Korean government institutions, filling out the papers required me to fill things out, get them stamped, walk down some flights of stairs to purchase proof-of-purchase stamps, walk back upstairs, wait in line again, and give the woman that originally stamped my papers the papers that now had proof-of-purchase stamps on it. Not really bad or difficult, just annoying, and kind of a waste of time. Wouldn’t it make more sense to simply pay the person who is stamping your paper? Anyhow I digress.

With papers stamped and stamped again, it was time for the physical examination. I entered a little building in the parking lot, and was ushered into a small room with three women sitting at a table. I handed the first woman my sheet of paper, and she then administered an eye exam which went well until I mixed up the Korean words for 8 and 9 (again) and she thought my eyes were worse than they are when really it’s my Korean that’s bad. The woman passed my paper to the next woman at a table and I moved down the line.

The next woman uttered two English words at me, “Sit down.” I looked around, but there was no chair to be found. I kind of shrugged, and then remembering this is Korea, kind of squatted as if I was using a Turkish toilet. “Good enough!” The paper was passed down the line, and I moved on to the final test.

The third woman opened up a book to a page with a circle of red dots with a number made of green dots in the center. Now inspite of what my wife or sister may proclaim, I am not color blind. I don’t know the difference between “eggshell,” “white,” or “parchment,” but I know my primary (and secondary) colors! “5! 74!” I bellowed triumphantly. My paper was further stamped up as fanfare blared and I was ushered out of the room.

With all that nonsense behind me, it was time for a written test. An easy enough task, or so I thought. It’s going to be a lot of “Who has the right of way,” “What does this sign mean,” “How do you correctly pass,” questions I explained to my wife as I waited to be called into the testing room. My name was called, and a police officer lead me to the computer terminal where I would be taking this exam. After signing in, the test begain.

“In the event of an acident (sic) what is the first thing you should do?”

Acident?! Oh damn…this is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. Hard was an understatement. I mean perhaps if I had taken a first aid class I might have been able to pass (since there were no less than 4 first aid related questions). However, the only knowledge I have of life saving techniques came from those public service announcements at the end of GI Joe cartoons, and since none of the answers to any of the first aid related questions contained the phrase, “and knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!!!” I was out of luck.

Then there was the easy question. Such an easy question. I should have knocked it out of the park…

Which vehicle will always have the right of way?
a) a motorcycle
b) an ambulance with flashing lights
c) a car
d) a bus

Since I had actually learned how to drive in America, I answered B, an ambulance…completely forgetting that this test was being administered in Korea, therefore making the correct answer D, the bus. The bus is the biggest and has the loudest horn, therefore giving it the right of way in all situations.

But perhaps the best question of all was this gem: “The following sentences are statements about left hand turns. Which one?”

Which one? Which one what? Which one is correct? Which one is incorrect? Which one does not contain a typo? Nothing…it was just “Which one?”

Needless to say I did not pass the test…nor did either of the other two white guys who took the test in English. So we went back downstairs and asked about taking the test again. I would have to wait at least 24 hours before attempting again, and the lady at the desk gave me a book to study with these words of encouragement, “It probably isn’t going to help you on the test at all, but you might want to read this.” So I did read it, and she is probably right, it’s not going to help me much on the test. But that’s not to say I didn’t learn anything in reading the guide to driving. Here are some of the more enlightening moments of the book, scanned for your pleasure.

Traffic Rule #1

Oh I’m sorry, did my attempts to draw attention to the fact that I’m being carjacked disrupt the flow of traffic? Next time I’ll just let my attacker take me back to his lair where he’ll chop me up into little pieces and fashion a tunic out of my skins. Wouldn’t want to cause a scene.

Traffic Rule #2

Man, I guess this means no more Friday night dance parties in the backseat of the Hyundai. I was not aware that the driver of the car was responsible for making sure such behavior did not go down…or was I aware that dancing by passengers of moving automobiles was such a problem that it warranted being included in the driver’s manual.

Traffic Rule #3

This isn’t that funny, unless you consider the fact that the book didn’t include information on things such as how to regain control of the car if it is skidding off the road due to wet or icy conditions, or how you can escape from a car submerged in water, or even the distance one car should be behind another car while driving in normal conditions, the inclusion of this rule (with illustration no less) becomes pretty damn funny (to the likes of me anyhow).

But, when the bulk of the images in the driver’s manual look like this, I guess what I should really be asking myself is why bother? I mean look at that mess. There are explosions and fires and cars all over the place. Do I really need to deal with that? Especially if while avoiding certain death I have to be on the lookout for puddles I may splash someone with, and keep an eye on my passengers to make sure no spontaneous raves have broken out in the backseat. The answer is…no, especially since I have a bicycle.