So yesterday I was kind of busy…

For starters it was my sister-in-law’s wedding day, so for whatever reason we had to get up at the crack of dawn (regardless of the fact that the wedding wasn’t until 12:00). I didn’t have a lot to do to prepare. My suit was already pressed, so all I had to do was get a shower and a shave going on and then stay out of the way of others. I did this by playing Feel The Magic on my my wife’s Nintendo DS.

Anyhow a couple hours later it was 10:15 and we were on our way into Seoul. Why did we leave so early? Apparently to beat the non-existant traffic. Some 25 minutes later we arrived. It is apparently the duty of those family members who aren’t getting married that day to play host. At first I was assigned the task of collecting the envelopes of money and giving out meal tickets to people who arrived, but some uncles took that task from me leaving me to stand by the door and shake the hands of people ranging from those I’ve seen 10 or so time, to those I’ve never met, and thank them for coming. It was far less awesome, and presented far less opportunities to stick my hand in the till.

The wedding itself was pretty much what one comes to expect from a Korean wedding (aside from my own which was totally awesome). Here are some of the highlights from the wedding ceremony that I recall. For starters when the wedding began Jinhui and I both noticed that her father was not seated in his throne (any of you who have attended weddings in Korea know of what I speak), so I was sent to go find him. After a quick sweep of the area turned up nothing I went to return to Jinhui with the bad news of a lost father only to see him leading my sister-in-law down the aisle. I kind of smacked myself in the head and was like, “Oh yeah…this is that kind of wedding.” I’m pretty sure Jinhui had the same reaction.

There was some manner of MC. This particular MC’s speech was awesome, in that he stated, “Now that you are married, the most important thing for you to do is take care of your parents.” I thought that was pretty random. This wasn’t like a 30th wedding anniversary in which the dude was addressing children and grandchildren, this was directed at newlyweds. Also during the ceremony, my mother-in-law had to hug some people (namely her daughter and son-in-law version 2.0), but instead of hugging them or even giving them the “good game” quasi-hug shoulder tap, she just kind of touched their hands. It was kind of humorous.

Following the wedding we went upstairs and had some food. I’m not really all about buffets anymore. There’s always a lot of food there, but nothing is really outstanding. Furthermore, when I go to a buffet I feel the need to gorge myself to “get my money’s worth” even when I’m not actually paying for the food I’m eating. So I usually end up eating too much, busting a gut, and feeling sick for the remainder of the day. This time, since I had to walk around the dining area and tell everyone that Jinhui and I were leaving for America soon and probably would not be seeing them again anytime soon, I did not bust a gut. I was threatened with death, dismemberment, and other acts of violence if I did not take care of Jinhui. On the flipside, one of Jinhui’s aunts told me that if Jinhui didn’t listen to me, I should send her back to Korea and she would make her listen. Good times…good times!

With that all done, we headed for Shinchon. I’m not really sure why but I think it had something to do with going to a record store, since that’s what we did when we first arrived. As we were getting off the subway I found 1,000 won on the ground which is pretty neat. At the record store, I picked up the best of Pipi Band and Pipi Longstocking. While I was looking about I heard Jinhui conversing with the girl at the counter, “Do you have the latest Powerman 5000 album?” “Yes, it’s over here.” “Great! Wyatt, I’m getting this.” Jinhui later explained the reason for her purchase, which is pretty much one of the truest truths regarding rock or any music for that matter, “After I saw them (in this case Powerman 5000, but it can be applied to all musicians) perform live, I was more interested in them and wanted to hear their albums more.” True truth!

With some CDs purchased, we decided to go discharge some fake firearms at one of those shooting galleries that can be found on the side streets in Shinchon. It was 2,000 won each, so we paid with a 5,000 won note and got a 5,000 won note and a 1,000 won note back in return. We then proceeded to shoot targets. I somehow was awesome at shooting the b.b. gun I was given and racked up enough points to win some small stuffed animal (it was a rabbit). Jinhui was slightly less awesome at shooting, though did manage to hit the two smallest / most valuable targets.

Following our shooting gallery experience we traveled to a cinema theater in order to check out the film, 후황花 (En: Curse of the Golden Flower / 滿城盡帶黃金甲). The film was pretty much awesome. It looked outstanding, and unlike 中天, the story was fairly great too.

After said film we went to a bar and got our soju cocktail and stuff on a stick going on. By stuff on a stick I speak of the awesomeness that is 오뎅 and 꼬치. Jawsome!!! From there we got on a bus and rode a bus back to our homestead. It was a pretty rocking day.

I can now cross off “Attend A Birthday Party At A Senior Citizen Center In South Korea” on my list of things to do, since that’s what I did last weekend.

For those of you that care or are perplexed this celebration was for my wife’s grandfather…which I guess makes him my grandfather-in-law (if such things exist). Anyhow he lives in the country and was having a big ass birthday party since he was turning 90 or 91 or 92 (I got all three numbers from different people), so the party was held at the local senior citizen center. There was a decent spread of food but far too many relatives. Relatives are fine in small doses, but when there are that many I feel like I have to say the same junk again and again. “We’re leaving in the begining of February.” “Our flight is on February first.” “The first of February is when we leave.”

Aside from that the other thing that I dislike about these family gatherings is there are always one or two relatives that haven’t seen me before so the novelty of a white guy that can speak Korean is still mind boggling to them. Most of the other relatives: the afore mention grandfather, aunts and uncles, and first cousins have all seen me enough that the novelty has worn off and I’m just “Jinhui’s husband.” But there’s always some second cousin or nephew or some random 팔촌 guy that finds my existance amusing, meaning they try to make me do all the stuff they think only Koreans can do.

“Here eat this kimchi.”

Chomp!

“Wow! He ate kimchi and used chopsticks to do so! Can you drink soju?”

“I can. Seeing as how it’s like 12:00 in the afternoon I’d rather not.”

“C’mon. Just one glass.”

“Fine.”

Chug!

“Wow! You need some anju. Eat this raw beef. You can eat raw beef right?”

“Yes, but since I ate like 3 plates of food before you got here since everyone else wanted to see me eat kimchi and raw foods I’m full and would rather not.”

“C’mon…one small piece.”

“Fine.”

Chomp!

Anyhow I really got off on a tangent there. These aren’t bad people, and after performing for them the one time they’re cool, but for me the performing has gotten old. Where was I?

Oh yeah so I’m in this old folks club house in the middle of nowhere South Korea eating sushi and various stuff rolled in seaweed when my wife hits me with the most random piece of personal information, “I was born here.”

“In the senior center?”

“Well it used to be a house, but they built this center here.”

“So you were born on this land?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think I’m the first white person to ever come into this building?”

“Yes.”

After we ate we went outside where we found this really awesome puppy. He was totally chill and was all about following me around and being my buddy. It kind of made me want to get a dog. Anyhow that’s about it. Like most family events everywhere in the world, this one was all about eating too much food and then having to endure people that you only associate with because of some family ties…not the awesome 1980’s television show kind, but actual family ties. I’m rambling, and this is a really dated post, so I’m finishing now.

Last night I learned the Korean word for a rotating machine because Jinhui and I had dinner at a conveyor belt sushi restaurant. A quick thing you should probably know about me: I didn’t eat fish until I was in college, and up until even more recently sushi was not something I would have ever elected to eat. I mean smoked salmon or eel was alright and there were always California rolls, but I wasn’t a big sushi guy. Perhaps it was the fact the I’ve recently read Sushi no Shoto, but I’ve changed.

That being said conveyor belt sushi is totally awesome! The price was decent, and for the same amount we would have paid to get two or three dishes at Bennigan’s or TGIF we were able to sample 10 or 11 different dishes. The best deal for me was some manner of lightly grilled tuna, like it was grilled on the outside but the center was still raw as raw could be. Anyhow, there was something almost video game-esque about a dining experience in which one has to grab their food before it goes past them.

After sushi and some beers we checked out Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Allow me to briefly slip into bro-dude territory and say, that movie was funny as shit bro-dozer! Jinhui though so as well. That is that.

I somehow think that making lewd comments about large breasts would be inappropriate now.

Yonhap news is reporting that singer, 유니 commited suicide by hanging herself in her room in Incheon around 12:50 in the afternoon on January 21st. She was discovered by her grandmother. She had been living in Incheon with her maternal grandmother, uncle, and mother since wrapping up promotion of her second album last August. The police report states that she had signs of depression.

I was never a fan of her music, but I was a fan of her. 유니 you were the sexiest thing on television here and you will be missed. Especially with Hooters opening up here. Who are those waitresses going to look up to now? God speed 유니!

The other day I was in the midst of my daily 5 kilometer run (aka balancing on a moving strip of plastic until a meter displayed 5.00 kM) and watching a little television. Because I usually rock out to some sort of tunes while in the gym, I watch something like Discovery Channel (since it has Korean subtitles) or pro-wrestling since I need no sound. On this particular day in question, the batteries on my mp3 player crapped out at the 1.00kM mark. So I actually watched some television.

Flipping through the channels I found the show, Let’s Speak Korean on Arirang. Let’s Speak Korean was a pretty decent show…emphasis on the word “was.” Back in the day the show was actually informative, the host, Stephen Revere was funny, and the presented advanced enough material that I actually learned things. Oh they also had students…students that were clearly better than me. Not anymore.

This new version of Let’s Speak Korean is terrible! For starters the material covered is really basic junk. This is actually the thing that bugs me the least; in fact I’m a little bit proud that everything I’ve seen is so easy. I actually yelled, “HA! I already know that!” at the TV, which got me a few weird looks for the middle aged ladies that were jogging nearby. Also gone is Stephen Revere, replaced with some Korean dude known as Young. Again I don’t really have a problem with Young. He breaks it down decently, but I never drank beers with him so I don’t know how cool he actual is. What bugs me more is not Young’s arrival, but the fact that the lady named Lisa is still there. She just bugs me. She kind of comes off as really condescending. Again this part is not that bad. She was there before and the show was fine. What bugs me the most is the new “student” guy.

This dude is a total moron! For starters his pronunciation is terrible. If I want to hear foreigners speak Korean poorly I’d record myself and play it back. This is a show that’s supposed to help foreigners learn Korean…get some people on there that can actually speak it. But even this is not that awful. I can kind of see the producer being like, “Let’s get an actual rookie. Other rookie speakers will be less threatened by someone who is making mistakes.” More than his inability to remember similar grammar or vocabulary (”Airport가 어디에요?”), his foreigner caricature makes me want to break some faces.

If you’ve ever seen any English language education show on EBS, you know of the “whiteface” for lack of a better word that a lot of the native speakers engage in. “HI!!!!!! I’M WHITE AND SPEAKING ENGLISH!!!! I’M OUT OF CONTROL!!!! ARE YOU READY TO LEARN ENGLISH!?!?!?!” “Yeah Isaac, we’re ready to learn English…stop dancing please.” Yeah, this guy does it too. Maybe I’m just Oscar the Grouch, but I don’t want to learn anything for a dude that’s dancing around like he’s Barney all going, “WOW!!! SO THIS IS KALBI?!?!?!” Forget you Let’s Speak Korean! I’m going back to Integrated Korean with Michael, the foreigner that speaks perfect Korean, but has never heard of bulgogi before. At least he remembers all the grammar.

I should probably put a picture of my lion that I always draw here, but I’m not going to. Yesterday Jinhui and I celebrated one year of being successfully married with a trip to the theater…to watch a musical. A musical called Lion King, or maybe it was The Lion King. Anyhow, I believe the last time I attended a musical was in middle school, and that time I was actually performing as opposed to simply being in the audience. Oh you didn’t know that? It’s true! In middle school I played a cop and a court stenographer in my school’s production of Hello Dolly! I even had a line. But I’m really off on a tangent here.

Back to the Lion King. I’m a rock guy so I can get away with, “This Band was awesome! They sounded like Billy Idol battling Louie Armstrong,” but somehow things like that don’t really work with musical theater. What does work is something like, “Lion King was totally awesome!” Even that doesn’t really convey how out of control the entire thing was.

Some of you out there might have seen this show in the US or China or even here in Korea, but for those of you that haven’t let me briefly describe it. They started with the plot of the cartoon, The Lion King. To that they added puppets, and dudes in elephant suits, and dancers, and some dudes in a mask that looked like some sort of alligator with ram horns that seriously popped up right in front of me when the show began. The entire thing was so over the top, I’m a little sad that photography was prohibited. But thanks to the internet there are a whole slew of pictures are up on Korea’s offical Lion King musical website.

The entire thing was nuts! I’ve seen Lion King probably 100 times at least, due to the fact that someone in my household (other than me) was obsessed with it in the early 90s (I’m not naming any names), but even still I was still totally stoked. I mean there were dudes in huge elephant costumes coming down the aisle next to me, and guys with birds on ropes that were swung out over the audience. It was outstanding! Also there were some child actors. Child actors normally bug the hell out of me, especially here. Every kid that gets put on a “drama” here in Korea sounds like a robot…even when they are playing characters other than robots, but these kids were different. They spoke like normal people, not that halting, “Hi. My. Name. Is. Simba. I. Swear. I. Am. Not. A. Robot…” kind of delivery that every other Korean child actor uses. Awesome!

And speaking of vocal deliveries, the way in which Mufasa and Scar were portrayed or perhaps just my interpretation of their portrayal seemed a little odd. Maybe I’ve lived here too long, maybe it was scripted that way in Korea, or maybe it was scripted that way everywhere, but those two dudes reminded me a lot of the actors in the various historical dramas that are always on TV here. It was also weird the way some of the lyrics were changed when translated to Korean. The song, “I Can’t Wait To Be King,” became, “멋진 왕 될거야!” (”I’ll Become An Awesome King”).

Even if you don’t understand Korean you should go check it out, since it just looks so awesome. The story is easy enough to follow especially if you’ve seen yourself some Lion King before. If you’ve never seen Lion King, rent the video but definately check out the musical. It was deluxe!

So after the show we went to a Chinese restaurant named Ho Lee Chow’s. Ho Lee Chow’s does American style Chinese food, so there’s General Tso’s Chicken but no 자장면. We ordered some set that came with two bowls of hot & sour soup, some spring rolls, Mongolian beef, a platter of fried rice, and some deal that was called Sichuan Special (it was meat, chicken, shrip, squid, and vegetables in some sort of sauce). This was allegedly a set designed to feed two people, but we ended up taking a lot home with us.

Following dinner we had wine and cheese and then called it a night. That about does it from here, I’m going to go now because I want to play the Lion King Super Nintendo game we had when I was a youth. Before I go, there’s one last thing: When we got off the bus near our apartment, we saw a girl with a hairstyle that looked just like a lion’s mane. Make of that what you will.

BRAWALLLLLLL!!!!

Ok I just needed to get that out of my system. Today I’m going to talk to you about TV in Korea, but not the fun kind. Or even the non-fun kind that middle-aged Japanese ladies seem to be all about. Nor am I going to talk about the TV shows that are pretty much Super Sloppy Double Dare only they have celebrities doing the assinine stunts instead of elementary school kids. Nope today I’m going to rap at you about the fantastic world of Korean reality television.

Oh I’m sorry, did I say “fantastic?” I intended to say “depressing.” Moving on!

I am completely aware that America has a big chunk of “reality” television, but the vast bulk of it is so over the top it’s not even real. I mean Fear Factor? What’s real about that? I for one have never encountered an event in which I had to eat cow’s hearts…oh wait I did! But still you get my point. The Real World?! Hot 20 year olds living in amazing houses rent free? Yeah that’s real! Anyhow America reality TV of all stripes from COPS to The Real World is largely successful because the characters on it are so over the top and insane, that whatever weird shit you have going on seems completely normal by comparison (”Hell I might not have gotten laid is three months, but at least I’m not nude and being taken to the pavement on COPS.”)

Korean reality television is a different beast entirely. Here the bulk of the reality television features total real people, but 9 out of 10 times these people are in the most depressing situations. They are either physically deformed, poor and living in some dwelling that barely qualifies as a house, or a woman with some sort of problem that requires her face be blurred out and her voice altered for the entire course of the television show.

Even seemingly innocent non-human based programs like TV동물농장 (TV Animal Farm) will fall into this mode and present a story about some dog with two legs, or a cat that a lady found in a mail box and now it has no fur and looks like a monster or a rat or some manner of monster rat.

But of all the depressing television programs that exist here, the absolute worst…or best if depression is your thing is the show called 아침마당 (Morning Yard). The premise of this show is pretty simple. First people come on and sing. Then they are judged by a pannel of experts…oh I’m sorry did I say experts, I meant “talent,” as well as call in votes from home. Sounds a little like the show American Idol doesn’t it? Well the singing and phone-in votes are where the similarities end.

Unlike American Idol, one does not even need to be able to carry a tune in order to win at 아침마당. What you need my friend is a sob story (save for special episodes around the holidays which feature foreigners, and even then a sob story helps). It works like this: contestant (usually a team of two people) come on stage and do some quick talent (usually dancing or copying some popular lines from a comedy show), and then the hosts ask them to tell their story. The story usually involves a parent suffering from some heinous disease (usually some sort of cancer), so they want to come on the show and win a trip to Jeju-do, since that’s what the winner gets, and as any doctor will tell you trips to Jeju-do cure cancer. So after this little story (bonus points if tears are shed), the people perform and the general public now calls in and votes.

I’ve seen this show countless times and can usually tell who’s going to win based on story alone. Sometimes if two people have particularly sad stories, singing ability sometimes comes into play, but usually not. Anyhow it’s probably the weirdest show I’ve ever seen in my life.

I know that back in the United States we have our share of people / animals with problems reality television, but in America these stories are more likely than not presented in an inspirational manner. “Sure I lost my eye sight when I was a child, but now I record piano based pop songs. If I can do it, so can you!” The shows here are more like, “Hey, this is my shitty life. Oh my hour’s up…thanks for coming,” and when they finish the viewer is depressed. Well, perhaps not all viewers, but I’m depressed, and since this is my website I’m the only one that matters.

But it’s not just these reality programs that are depressing. The “dramas” (soap operas) usually end in a depressing manner, as do a large percentage of Korean films, and songs and music videos. What’s the reason for all of this? My guess: Han.

It snowed this weekend and there was also some thunder and it was also windy and cold. Aside from some quick excursions to places like the gym (to work out) and the supermarket (to get beer and nachos), we stayed in and took it easy, and by “took it easy” I mean we watched a bunch of movies we accquired through means of questionable legality. So here, for no reason other than something else I was working on took too much time and I don’t really feel like typing anymore lengthy passages are Five Sentence Film Reviews~!

Bedazzled

I might have seen this movie once before, but I’m not really sure. I think it was like Gladitor in that I never had seen it from start to finish, but I’d seen enough pieces of it at various times that it counted as seeing it once. Jinhui had not seen it so we watched it. It was moderately funny, but Brendan Fraiser is a toolbag deluxe…not his character in the movie, but just him as a person. If I ever go back and do a revamped list of people who need a beating he’s going on there.

Snakes On A Plane

The means of questionable legality had a Korean summary written on it that included the phrase, “I’ve never seen a movie with more snakes before in my entire life,” and this Korean Roger Ebert was totally dead on! Jinhui in particular liked this movie because the title told us exactly what we were going to be getting (unlike some movies). To my knowledge this movie never offically came out in Korea, and I had to wonder why. Since far worse, far more violent, and more sexual films had all been released here, the only thing I could come up with was that Koreans didn’t like the fact that the enemy was a dude named Eddie Kim. Either that or it was the dude with the 農母告 (농모고 / Farm Mom Tell) “tattoo.”

Littleman

Translated from Korean: “Funnnier that Hot Chick.” There’s not really anything else to say about this movie other than the fact that it totally ripped off a Bugs Bunny cartoon and also I wanted a jacket worn in the film by a toddler. It was this totally sweet maroon cordory jacket with a cartoon tiger patch on the back that looked a lot like the lion I draw. There’s nothing else to say about this movie. Oh, Tracy Morgan was in it.

So there you go three five sentence movie reviews. This has been a presentation of 西洋오랑캐 Enterprises.

MIKE: Hey there sports fans and welcome to Sports Talk This Week. I’m your host Mike Cutlery, and coming along for the ride as always is Former Athlete. How are you doing today Former?

FORMER: Not too bad, but my prostate’s been…

MIKE: Great as always! For those of you new to the show, we here on Sports Talk This Week talk about all the hottest issues that have may have come up during the week in the world of sports. Occassionally nothing important or terribly interesting comes up, so we have to talk about some complete and utter crap. I have a feel this is one of those days. Former, can you hit us up with today’s topic bigstyle?!

FORMER: Sure thing! Today we’re going to talk about the outstanding…oh wait that says outlandish team names in the R.O.K.!

MIKE: The R.O.K.? That means Korea! In the words of Motley Crue, “She’s got the looks that kill!”

1.

FORMER: This isn’t a Saturday Night Live skit is it?
MIKE: No…the team is really named the Bears.
FORMER: That’s not very funny.
MIKE: I know, but their motto is “Hustle Doo.”
FORMER: Is that like the doo of Pete Rose or something?
MIKE: Moving on…

2.

FORMER: The Savers? What is this a team of goalies or something?
MIKE: No, they are a basketball team. There name makes a little more sense when one realizes that they are owned by a bank.
FORMER: I still don’t get it…what does saving have to do with basketball?

3.

MIKE: Apparently only one player on the team is a Cool Cat. The rest of the team suck harder than a sports athlete that doesn’t score many points.
FORMER: I couldn’t have heard what you said and more than I did. Additionally I invite any dude that proclaims unconditionally that, “Asian girls are hotter than non-Asian,” to find a single girl on this team that isn’t a brown bagger.
MIKE: Former Athlete bringing his knowledge of the game once again. Booyah! Big ups Former Athlete.
FORMER: It’s what I do…

4.

MIKE: I don’t know what a Promy is…
FORMER: Me either. Let’s check the dictionary. Nothing! It’s not in there.
MIKE: Well from the look of their logo it appears to mean a large humanized hand.
FORMER: Could you use it in a sentence?
MIKE: The Hamburger Helper mascot, The Helping Hand is a promy.
FORMER: Sounds good to me!

5.

FORMER: What the hell is a wyvern? Is it like a fern? Or is it like an ottoman?
MIKE: I think wyverns are an enemy from Dragon Warrior…kind of like Goldman.

MIKE: Yup…a Dragon Warrior enemy.
FORMER: That’s sad that you know that. Aren’t you suppose to be some sort of sports superfan or something? What are you doing having knowledge of fantasy role playing games in which you are the descendant of Edrick and are attempting to save the realm from the evil Dragon Lord? Sports Superfan my foot. Next you’ll be telling me that you just got your epic mount in Worlds of Warcraft…
MIKE: Sports Talk This Week will be back after a quick word from our sponsor.

Beer Commercial

6.

MIKE: Welcome back to Sports Talk This Week! As always I’m your host Mike Cutlery.
FORMER: And I’m Former Athlete.
MIKE: If you’re just joining us today, we’re discussing some of the more outstanding radical names used by South Korean sports teams. Next up on our list is Phoebus.
FORMER: Wasn’t he that guy in The Matrix? Not Ted “Theodore” Logan…the other guy?
MIKE: I believe the character you are referencing was named Morpheus.
FORMER: Oh…so what’s a phoebus?
MIKE: Phoebus was a deity, more commonly known as Apollo.
FORMER: I like that the full name of the team is Phoebus Mobis…that rhymes. Rhymes are funny.
MIKE: That they are Former Athlete…that they are.

7.

MIKE: Next up…THE SAKERS!
FORMER: I had sake once at this Japanese restaurant and then I got busy with one of the waitresses in the…
MIKE: That’s enough!
FORMER: So this is a team of drunks? They like Japanese alcohol? Is that their deal? What’s their arch rival’s name? The Beerers?
MIKE: Former could you remind me why exactly we are doing this?
FORMER: The easy paycheck Mike…the easy paycheck.

8.

FORMER: Back in my day the only ethnic minority that had teams named after them were the Native Americans.
MIKE: This certainly wouldn’t fly in the Land of the Free or in the Home of the Brave, but forget that! Look at the spelling it’s not even “Slammer” it’s “Slamer.”
FORMER: So it is…

9.

MIKE: The next team is known as Egis. Once again another completely made up word…
FORMER: Correct me if I’m wrong here Mike, but isn’t Egis an alternate spelling of the word Aegis, a word meaning protection, originally steming from Zeus’ shield in Homer’s Iliad?
MIKE: Um…why yes it is. How on earth did you know that?
FORMER: This one time when I was on the road I ate at a Greek restaurant called Aegis and I was getting busy with one of the waitresses in the bathroom and she explained it to me. It’s the damnedest thing…I can remember exactly what Aegis means, but I couldn’t remember her name or phone number. HA! HA! HA!
MIKE: Let’s just finish this so I can go home alone to my one room apartment and hang myself from the ceiling fan with my belt.
FORMER: Sounds good. I got some stuff to do tonight too if you know what I mean…
MIKE: You do realize this is a radio show and no one but me could see you doing that humping motion.
FORMER: I know buddy.

10.

FORMER: The Unicorns?! Are you kidding.
MIKE: Yes, the Unicorns…from downtown!
FORMER: I’m sorry but aren’t team names supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the men on the opposing team? Names like Raiders…or Bears…or Bullets…or Jazz. I’m sorry the Unicorns?!
MIKE: Yes, they are the Unicorns, and what is so terrifying about jazz?
FORMER: Did you ever meet a jazz man? But that’s beside the point. Did the team owner have his six year old daughter name the team? “So sweety what should daddy name his baseball team?” Daughter looks at a Lisa Frank school bag and proclaims, “The Unicorns!” Seriously is that what happened?
MIKE: I honestly don’t know.
FORMER: Well it’s a weak name. Six year old girl weak! Dude what’s wrong with your neck?
MIKE: I’m shaking my head in disgust. Luckily we are totally out of time today! As always I want to acknowledge that Former Athlete was in the room with me.
FORMER: The pleasure’s all mine, Mike.
MIKE: That it is Former. Tune in next week when we’ll be discussing the use of performance enhancing drugs in the competitive world of chess! This has been Sports Talk This Week!

ANNOUNCER: The views expressed on Sports Talk This Week are not necessarily the views of 西洋오랑캐 or it’s parent company Totally Awesome Enterprises.

This is awesome! (Found via Boing Boing)

Robot mother helps South Koreans prepare for birth

SEOUL, Jan 4 (Reuters Life!) - With South Korea’s birth rate at its lowest ever, medical students are resorting to robots to practice bringing babies into the world.

Kyunghee University Medical Center in Seoul is the first institution in South Korea to use Noelle, a life-sized robot, and her “newborn” to give obstetric students experience.

“With this simulator training tool, we can conduct not only normal deliveries, but also complicated deliveries such as breech births, Caesarean deliveries,” Professor Jung Eui told Reuters Television. “Students can practice in a very realistic situation with this mannequin.”

Students regularly crowd around Noelle as she gives “birth.” They take turns at monitoring her vital signs and at pulling the “baby” out of her body.

The newborn, also a robot, is equipped with lights on its hands and cheeks to indicate its health — blue lights mean problems while pink lights signal all is ok.

Students say using Noelle is more useful than sitting in a classroom and taking notes.

“I think it’s more helpful to have delivery training on a life-like mannequin than studying with books or lectures before treating my first live patient,” said student Woon Jin-kwang.

Professor Jung said South Korea’s consistently decreasing birth-rate gave her students fewer chances to watch and practice delivering babies, making Noelle’s presence necessary.

South Korea currently has a population of just over 48 million and one of the lowest birth rates in the world — an average of 1.08 children per woman.

Noelle was purchased for $20,000 from Miami-based Gaumard Scientific Co. Inc. in the United States. She was manufactured in 2000 and over 400 units have been sold in the United States.

While pregnant robot mothers and their robotic offspring are interesting, I think the most important question is the one that this article elected to skate around. Since Reuter’s decided not to ask it, and since Maury Povich isn’t around to ask it, I’m going to ask the question everyone wants to ask: Who’s Noelle’s robot baby-daddy?

We’ve rounded up several bots Noelle may or may not have exchanged data with and have given them paternity tests. The results will becoming up at the end of the show. Noelle, do you have anything you want to say before we get started today?

I just hope we can find my baby’s daddy. It’s really hard being a single robot mother. It’s just so hard…RUN CRYING.EXE…

We’re going to do our best to try and help you find your baby’s daddy. Our first guest is none other than Detroit’s own robotic crime stopper, Robocop! Noelle claims that you stopped her while she was trying to buy some meth and in exchange for a quicky you let her go. Robocop, what do you have to say about these heavy allegations?

THESE ALLEGATIONS ARE UNFOUNDED AS I WAS IN AMERICA AT THE TIME OF CONCEPTION…ALSO I AM FROM THE FUTURE. NOW PLEASE STEP ASIDE THERE IS A ROBBERY IN PROGRESS!

Next up is Giant Robot Kim Jung Il. The case against Giant Robot Kim Jung Il is a little stronger due to geographic and chronological proximity. So let’s welcome, Giant Robot Kim Jung Il. Giant Robot Kim Jung Il, do you have anything to say about this situation?

I will turn this entire studio into a sea of fire. This accusation is merely a ploy by the evil Americans to undermine the will of the North Korean people and the principle of Juche! I will not stand for this!!!

Giant Robot Kim Jung Il seems a little angry at these claims. Let’s bring out the next robot…Jesus woman, how many dudes did you hook up with…oh did I say that aloud? Anyhow, let’s bring out the next robot, Taekwon V! Hey Taekwon, I see you have a posse with you today. What’s going on.

Listen I did hook up with that bitch, but I just got head…you can’t make no baby by gettin’ head. Anyhow it was just that one time and it was just head. Anyway me and my boys were on the road since that time…promoting our new joint out of Def Jam, and I ain’t been with Noelle since that night…and like I said, it was just head. And…

And you can’t make a baby getting head. I know, I know. And bringing out our last guest…Noelle claims that at a party after a night of drinking, and…partying…because that’s what you do at a party…you party, she and my next guest hooked up. Noelle thinks that he might be the father of her child. Please welcome C3-PO! Hi 3-PO. So you’ve heard Noelle’s claims, do you have anything to say for yourself?

I most certainly do. I could not possibly be this robot baby’s father.

And why not?

You see, I’m a robot, but Noelle does nothing for me. Sir, I’m a gay robot!

You’re gay homie?

Good god…just kill me now. This has gone on long enough. Oh yeah…we have some results. Let’s just get this over with. Robocop…you are not the father.

I KNEW THAT.

Giant Robot Kim Jung Il! Not the father!

The Americans can not crush our spirit with this baseless lies!

Taekwon V…not the father!

Yeah boy!

So that just leaves you C3-PO. Did you impregnate Noelle and create this beautiful robot baby, or not. The results say…you are not the father!

Oh thank my maker!

Well Noelle we were unable to find the father of your baby.

There were a couple more robots that I might have spent the night with…

I’m sorry we’re all out of time.

There are many a way to celebrate a seemingly pointless event such as the passing of a year. Some people throw private parties with their friends or family which inevitably involves watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year on television. Other people trek to some pickpocket rich party at a public venue (ie. Times Square). Some people, realizing that a successful orbit around the sun by the earth is not a truly monumental achievement, elect to celebrate by doing nothing…aside from going to sleep at a reasonable hour. There are those that spend New Year’s Eve like they spend every other evening…trying to level up in (insert your online RPG here). Others spend the night alone, drinking, and cursing humanity. I’ve partaken in my share of those New Year’s celebrate styles, but one thing I’d never done was ring in the New Year doing what Dick Clark only claims to do. Rockin’!

This year, if you couldn’t tell by the title, Jinhui and I elected to say hello to 2007 by attending a rock show featuring Side-B and Veil with guests! The show began at 9:00 pm 12.31.2006 and was slated to go till 1:00 am 1.1.2007. That’s like 4 hours of rocking, which seemed like it would be totally awesome, and believe you me it was!

IMG_7713
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

아마란스

I said that the show was totally awesome, though you wouldn’t have known that based on the first act of the night. To begin, I might have their name totally wrong, and for that I am sorry since you will not be properly warned to avoid them due to this mistake. Anyhow this group consisted of two women who apparently really loved Whitney Houston. Their set consisted of not one, but two songs made popular by Mrs. Bobby Brown: “I’m Every Woman” and “Greatest Love Of All” to be exact. Anyhow I thought that they were terrible if simply for the reason that one of the two women did that Mariah Carey style way too high singing, and she made my head feel like it was going to explode. The other lady wasn’t that bad, but I really don’t need Whitney Houston cover songs to complete my life. Also the lady that had a voice like a bomb was also sporting a pony tail that came out way too high in the back of her head…kind of like that really minor belly dancer character from the Simpsons. Thankfully they only did the two songs and then bid us a Happy New Year and exited stage left.

Funky Brown’s Bassist & His Mullet
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

Funky Brown

I wanted to like Funky Brown. I really did. I mean they came out with guitars and a drummer and everything, but they were just so boring. Imagine if you will a band that’s approximate sound is a melenge of the following musical styles: “What A Fool Believes” era Doobie Brothers, Scatman style vocals, slap bass, and a bass player with a mullet. Somehow when put this all together it did not equal total awesomeness. They played three songs, one of which I liked until they decided to go into “jam band” territory and play the same riff for like 6 minutes while everyone solos and the singer “sings” stuff like, “Boo boo doop dee doo bop doo,” and the mulleted bassist summons the powers of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and does some bass slapping. Somehow when they went into this territory I kind of changed my opinion of the song. It was like, “This song’s not that bad…” “Blap dee doop da doo dap dooo!” “Oh wait…yeah it is that bad.” It was during Funky Brown that I was glad this concert was being held in an auditorium and therefore had chairs. So I could sit down in passive resistance. “No Funky Brown…I will not dance! I am going to sit right here thank you very much.” Oh also everytime the guitarist played a guitar solo he also did the solo with his mouth. So it was like (insert smoking guitar solo here), “Blap bleep boo de boop doo!” I almost thought that he had one of those Frampton Comes Alive! talk box deals, but he was not…he was just scatting to his own solo, which was even lamer than if he had been using a talk box…

IMG_7744
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

리아

Following the mediocracy that was Funky Brown was a woman named 리아 (Lia). She came out and did a quasi-ballad tune. During this song, my wife informed me that Lia had been popular in the late 90s due to the song she was singing at that very moment. Following her big hit, Lia launched into a cover of the Frankie Valli tune, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” during which she ripped off her hair revealing a buzzcut. My jaw dropped. I was totally shocked, much like that dude from Hootie & The Blowfish claimed to be when he learned that Darth Vader was Luke’s father. My wife at this time turned to me and informed me, “Oh yeah, I was going to tell you in the 90’s she used to always have a buzzcut. I thought she grew it out. I guess I was wrong.”

Out of control hair removal and crew cuts aside, Lia was pretty awesome. Her voice kind of reminded me of Yoojin from Cherry Filter, and she had decent stage presence. So she was alright in my book. Plus “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” with quasi-industrial intro? Thank you, Lia. Thank you.

IMG_7827
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

Side-B

I’d seen Side-B before. Hell, I got on television for doing so. Therefore the awesomeness of Side-B this night did not come as a shock. I knew that they were going to kick ass before they even hit the stage…and unlike trips into wine tunnels, which also should theoretically kick much ass, Side-B really delivered the goods.

The thing that made this particular Side-B show even better was the guy sitting in the row infront of us. To say he was a Side-B fan would not be doing him justice. Let’s put it this way: prior to Side-B taking the stage, he had been sitting next to my wife, but once Side-B hit the stage, he lept over a row of chairs to get a little bit closer. The dude was totally into it, which somehow made me more into it. I was screaming stuff and jumping, and basically telling Side-B how much they rocked. It was awesome! And I think Side-B knew that our section was all about them.

Anyhow the set was good. We got some awesome party jams, some of which featured break dancers and fire. Then there was the slow jam where they pulled a lady out of the audience ala that Bruce Springsteen video with Courtney Cox. There was also a short set by the groups DJs which was totally awesome. The dudes had crash helmets and sampled Mario Brothers, and Dig Dug and played cowbells and bongos. It was great, though not as great as when it was revealed that this night was not only New Year’s Eve, but one of the dude’s birthday.

Some people in the front row gave him a cake. The dude in front of me was going apeshit. He had some loot that he apparently wanted to give the birthday boy. It looked like a DVD and some photos, but I wasn’t really sure. He was jumping up and down, yelling, “Ohh OHH OHHH!!!” like that dude on Welcome Back Kotter attempting to give the dude his birthday present. He was not, to my knowledge, successful. Anyhow Side-B rocked it well, they gave us candy (we had gotten one piece, yet some how it doubled while in Jinhui’s coat), and the one dude had a huge Mickey Mouse hand of a glove on (see the photo at right). Awesome! And the Side-B superfan? He disappeared when they left the stage.

IMG_7883
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

Veil

This was Veil’s show, so they were played the longest of anyone. Their set was pretty much perfect. They played some old tracks (stuff off their debut, and from vocalist Kim Won Jun’s days as a solo artist), new tracks (stuff from an EP to be released later this year), and of course some covers. The covers performed were out of control as well. I swear that I am not making this up, but they covered both, “You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party” and “YMCA,” (these two tracks were played back to back if memory serves correctly). I think one of the reasons I like this band, aside from the fact that their tunes are alright, is the fact that they put on an entertaining show.

They had costume changes which included a singer dressed as a cowboy (maybe that cover of “YMCA” makes a little more sense now). The singer had some laser pointer shaped like a gat which he pointed into the audience. There were scantily clad females brought out during the song, “Girls, Girls, Girls” (which is not a cover of the Motley Crue song). The dude from Side-B made a cameo in some mask. There was pyro. The bass player’s mom and dad and younger sibling were in front of me…and his mom was totally rocking out which was pretty awesome. The entire thing was out of control.

And since it was New Year’s Eve, Veil also counted us down and rang in the New Year. In Korea, or at least at Veil concerts in Korea, New Year’s thankful doesn’t feature “Auld Lang Syne,” but rather some other song that every Korean person in the room seemed to know, but I had never heard before. So we rang in the New Year with hugs and kisses (as Veil commanded…and what Veil commands we must do), and they band played the afore mentioned not “Auld Lang Syne” and the vocalists handed out 복조리 (bokjori). I did not get one, but it was still pretty awesome.

The show was outstanding and they played past 1:00 am. Since we live far away, and the subways were scheduled to stop at 2:00 am we hurried out of there, but we unable to make it home, so we stopped in 잠실 and had dinner, and then went to a PC방 until 5:30 when the trains started running again. By 7:00 I was in bed and asleep. It was an awesome New Year. Pictures from this event can be seen here.

Happy New Year everyone!
여러분, 새해福 많이 받으세요.

So December and 2006 in general have come to a close. Let’s look at random crap people were looking for that caused them to come here, and have a few laughs at their expense.

TGIF lineup 1992
humours facts on ping pong
“laid in korea”
english cyholic
poppin and lockin
Haetae lion water
sooyeon won let die korean online shop
Teachers Who Want to Fuck
gas burner + jamie oliver
“Jealous Jasmine” teen
master hand smash bros
korean made pick up truck bed covers
starbutts
super comboy
middle aged calligraphy in korea
how do i escape if my car is submerged in water? (Every month I get at least one person searching for this…perhaps I should just answer the question here and now.)
“korean word for monkey” (원숭이)
korean scout uniform
“crust beard”
“dancing the can-can”
Lee Hyori Boyfriend Yet Korea (I honestly feel bad for this guy and his self delusion…)
firsttime+spank
street fighter who is manrage
섹시한 만화책 (“sexy comic books” for those of you that can’t read Korean)
BAD CASE OF LOVING YOU+MP3
actual document
movies about evil kenevil
korea “gag man”
“be a vj” slang
How to Say Happy Chanuka in Different Languages
fashion socks korea
Speedo UNDERWARE
game dress hairshop and cosmetic
Korea woman nuked
man skirts
In what language does robin mean penis?
binturong
zelda curse of the lampshade (Nintendo games sure have gone downhill in the name department)
goldbear
american hero
How to Huff Chemicals (if you need help figuring this out perhaps killing off brain cells isn’t a good idea…)
horrible highheels
madlibs raunchy
Pippi Longstocking tv 1970’s
zut alor glossary
makkoli seafood buffet coupon
nude hiking
boys “gym class” naked “physical examination” (I like the use of quotation marks…like they really don’t mean gym class or physical examination…just boys naked.)
Go Figures Thundercats Toys That you can buy Action Figures
megadeth live in seoul, south korea 1998 (You mean I missed it?!)