西洋오랑캐

BRAWALLLLLLL!!!!

Ok I just needed to get that out of my system. Today I’m going to talk to you about TV in Korea, but not the fun kind. Or even the non-fun kind that middle-aged Japanese ladies seem to be all about. Nor am I going to talk about the TV shows that are pretty much Super Sloppy Double Dare only they have celebrities doing the assinine stunts instead of elementary school kids. Nope today I’m going to rap at you about the fantastic world of Korean reality television.

Oh I’m sorry, did I say “fantastic?” I intended to say “depressing.” Moving on!

I am completely aware that America has a big chunk of “reality” television, but the vast bulk of it is so over the top it’s not even real. I mean Fear Factor? What’s real about that? I for one have never encountered an event in which I had to eat cow’s hearts…oh wait I did! But still you get my point. The Real World?! Hot 20 year olds living in amazing houses rent free? Yeah that’s real! Anyhow America reality TV of all stripes from COPS to The Real World is largely successful because the characters on it are so over the top and insane, that whatever weird shit you have going on seems completely normal by comparison (”Hell I might not have gotten laid is three months, but at least I’m not nude and being taken to the pavement on COPS.”)

Korean reality television is a different beast entirely. Here the bulk of the reality television features total real people, but 9 out of 10 times these people are in the most depressing situations. They are either physically deformed, poor and living in some dwelling that barely qualifies as a house, or a woman with some sort of problem that requires her face be blurred out and her voice altered for the entire course of the television show.

Even seemingly innocent non-human based programs like TV동물농장 (TV Animal Farm) will fall into this mode and present a story about some dog with two legs, or a cat that a lady found in a mail box and now it has no fur and looks like a monster or a rat or some manner of monster rat.

But of all the depressing television programs that exist here, the absolute worst…or best if depression is your thing is the show called 아침마당 (Morning Yard). The premise of this show is pretty simple. First people come on and sing. Then they are judged by a pannel of experts…oh I’m sorry did I say experts, I meant “talent,” as well as call in votes from home. Sounds a little like the show American Idol doesn’t it? Well the singing and phone-in votes are where the similarities end.

Unlike American Idol, one does not even need to be able to carry a tune in order to win at 아침마당. What you need my friend is a sob story (save for special episodes around the holidays which feature foreigners, and even then a sob story helps). It works like this: contestant (usually a team of two people) come on stage and do some quick talent (usually dancing or copying some popular lines from a comedy show), and then the hosts ask them to tell their story. The story usually involves a parent suffering from some heinous disease (usually some sort of cancer), so they want to come on the show and win a trip to Jeju-do, since that’s what the winner gets, and as any doctor will tell you trips to Jeju-do cure cancer. So after this little story (bonus points if tears are shed), the people perform and the general public now calls in and votes.

I’ve seen this show countless times and can usually tell who’s going to win based on story alone. Sometimes if two people have particularly sad stories, singing ability sometimes comes into play, but usually not. Anyhow it’s probably the weirdest show I’ve ever seen in my life.

I know that back in the United States we have our share of people / animals with problems reality television, but in America these stories are more likely than not presented in an inspirational manner. “Sure I lost my eye sight when I was a child, but now I record piano based pop songs. If I can do it, so can you!” The shows here are more like, “Hey, this is my shitty life. Oh my hour’s up…thanks for coming,” and when they finish the viewer is depressed. Well, perhaps not all viewers, but I’m depressed, and since this is my website I’m the only one that matters.

But it’s not just these reality programs that are depressing. The “dramas” (soap operas) usually end in a depressing manner, as do a large percentage of Korean films, and songs and music videos. What’s the reason for all of this? My guess: Han.