西洋오랑캐

This is a true story of my youth that took place in upstate New York sometime at either the end of the 20th century or begining of the 21st century.

I always kind of thought that the clip show was the biggest cop out, same thing goes for the live album. Yeah sure someone is going to watch it / buy it, but it’s never as awesome as if you had just come up with something new. So it is with a heavy heart that I bring you these “Lost Writings Of Wyatt Dunn.”

To say that I have post things about my actual life with any regularity since the end of December would be a complete lie (a fact that is even more obvious when you realize that I began writing this post in April). Basically since my sister arrived here, this webpage has been dominated by randomness, Korean music video and television commercials, and crudely drawn pictures I made using Microsoft Paintbrush. Anyhow, in an effort to get things back on track I’ve put up some old adventures that happened during my lost months. Since I have a degree in history, and things like proper chronological order matter to me, I have dated all of this old adventures with the date they actually went down (or as close to that date as I can remember). Some of you newbies here might have already read these if you went back and read the archives, and some of these tales even veterns will be familiar with…only now there are shiny pictures and junk! Oh and as an added bonus, I’ve posted two articles written for a different webpage in my pre-Korea days. Check them out if you want to see a non-worldy and immature Wyatt Dunn in action.

March 06, 2006: 3-1 運動 (Now With 100% More Photos!!!)
March 03, 2006: Khan You Blood Sucker! (Photo Remix)
January 13, 2006: Embassy Wedding
January 06, 2006: gksrnr wjswod. (Now with 56% more photographic evidence)
January 04, 2006: Smile On His Face…Axe In His Back…He’s Leatherman LEAHTER MAN!!! (Look at these god diggit pictures!!!)
January 03, 2006: We Went To An Island…Let Me Tell You About It. (Pretty Pictures)
January 02, 2006: These Pants Are Plaid (There Now Be Pictures)
January 01, 2006: 丙戌年이다! KICK OUT THE JAMZ!!!! (Photo Remix)
February 24, 2002: Gospel According To Wyatt #19
December 23, 2001: Gospel According To Wyatt #13

So that about does it…I really am sorry for making you think I have written something new, when essentially I have really done is copied and pasted some links to old junk I’ve written and added an intro and this poorly written sentence. Blah!

This past week I had to do something very difficult. My wife and I began the process of obtaining a visa so she could immigrate to the land of Big Macs, Starbucks, and Oprah.

For those of you who have never immigrated or brought anyone to America following the letter of the law, have no idea how much work it is.
The first step involved me filling out a bunch of papers that had the same information again and again. Time consuming? Yes. Overly difficult? Aside from attempting to write out akwardly arranged Korean address in an American format (and Roman letters) no, it wasn’t difficult at all.

The next stemp was the tricky one. I had to schedule an appointment to hand in my reams of paper (which in my understanding were only kind of a pre-application). Now the only way one can schedule such an appointment is to send them an email…send an email to an email address ending in dhs.gov (dhs = Department of Homeland Security). This is the US government, not Real Player or some random message board, so I therefore had to use the real email address. Sorry Mr. Harder, no aliases this time.

Additionally I think that I tend to be a tad sarcastic when I sit down and start typing, which is definately not something I wanted to be when dealing with my good friends at DHS. So, I seriously sat and stared at my monitor for like ten minutes before I was able to to write:

Dear Madam or Sir,

I am an American citizen married to a Korean national. I would to like to schedule an appointment in order to file form I-130 and begin the visa process for my wife. If it is possible, I would like to schedule this appointment sometime next week. I thank you for your time.

-Wyatt Dunn

Nothing rude. Nothing that might be taken as a threat. No water. Just a totally boring email.

The next day there was a response in my mailbox informing me that my appointment had been scheduled at the US Embassy for Monday, August 14th at 9:30 am. Talk about prompt…and accomodating.

So on the morning of the 14th, Jinhui and I trekked to the embassy in Seoul. God I hate riding the red (in reality orange) bus at rush hour! But for the wife, I’m willing to suffer through it. And in reality, the bus ride was the most difficult part of the day. We arrived a little after 9:00, and after a short wait, our papers were being processed.

But before that, I just want to holler about how miserable a lot of Americans look and act. Most of the Koreans there just looked nervous, but the majority of the Americans accompanying them looked so pissed off. Yes, beaucracy is a pain in the ass, but pouting and / or yelling at your wife isn’t going to make it easier. And also to the dude that got pissed off for getting to the counter and not having the right papers filled out: don’t get pissed off at other people and start swearing and making a scene…next time read the damn instructions they give you when you schedule an appointment, or read them online.

Anyhow, aside from having a family registry deemed too old (a problem solved with a quick trip to the district office…and a PC Bang so a translation could be typed up) out first step towards leaving Korea seems to have been successful. The people took all our paperwork, and our money and told us that they would email Jinhui with further instructions in 4 to 6 weeks. Hooray!!!

During a brief period during which I lacked anything remotely related to focus or clarity, I drafted this illustration (which shared a page with a drawing of a pilgrim giving a Native American small pox for some reason). Anyhow I guess this deal is about common cultural misconceptions or some nonsense like that. Basically in the USA a large percentage of the population wrongly assume that every Asian person is Chinese, and in Korea a large percentage of the population wrongly assumes that every white person is American…or Robin Williams.

I’m busy today, so it was this or nothing.

The short answer is no, and neither did I until one of my students in my last class of the day yesterday told me about her annoying school English teacher and how he was teaching them the “th” sound by bellowing the following sentence (be sure to over emphasize the ‘th’ sound): THis THursday is THanksgiving Day!

Upon hearing the sentence uttered images of pumpkin pie, turkey, Macy’s balloons escaping (or deflating), some sort of Nintendo based arguement with my brother all came rushing back. “This Thursday is indeed Thanksgiving…wait today is Thursday. Today is Thanksgiving!”

Thanksgiving is the one holiday I miss living here in Korea. Christmas we have here. New Years we have here (in fact it’s so nice we do it twice). Halloween, in my opinion, as anyone who reads this knows can rot in hell. The other holidays Fourth of July, Columbus Day, Abe Lincoln Day are just random no school, no work, no mail delivery holidays and we have those here too…they just have different names.

Thanksgiving is the only one I really miss, because the premise is so awesome. Eat a lot. That’s all there is too it. Really it’s not that different from the typical day of being an American, but the food stuffs consumed are outstanding (and occassionally you have to dine with relatives you’d rather not have to associate with, but there is a bad side to everything). I have always been a fan of turkey, but since coming here where you might have an easier time finding dinosaur meat to consume than turkey it’s become something I on occassion long for. The same goes for pumpkin pie, though 호박죽 (hobak juk / pumpkin porridge) tastes fairly similar so can fill in when I’m having a pumpkin pie jones…even so it’s not really the same.

So yesterday while friends and family were back in America getting turkeys in the oven and attempting to avoid getting dragged into a conversation with that uncle no one really likes, I was eating 떡볶이, and it was good. In the near future when I have a family of my own I am seriously considering making 떡볶이 a part of our Thanksgiving tradition.

And tomorrow while you are sitting at home avoiding the malls, or stuck in traffic on the way to the malls, or dealing with raving lunatics at the malls (good luck Ailinn), remember half way across the world there are people like me…people who will not be able to have turkey sandwiches for the next four days. People who have no pumpkin pie to cut slivers from in the middle of the night when no one else is awake. So all of you better be thankful that you live in a country that enjoys consuming turkey. This I command.

Korean Gas Prices
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

Back while I was in America, and any time I happen to catch an American news broadcast or any late night TV hack (cough cough Leno cough) on AFN I am hit with news stories / jokes with taglines / punchlines like “pain at the pump” / taking it in the ass at the gas station.

Well now that I’ve lived overseas for some time I going to say to America, “Welcome to the rest of the world.” Every joker interviewed on every “outrageous” gas price story comes off as a pompous ass, “Over $2 for a gallon of gas?! That’s outrageous!”

To those people I say, don’t bother living in any other country. I took this picture this afternoon at the gas station near my house. The prices here actually seem a little bit lower than other gas stations I’ve seen here in Korea, but it gives you an idea of what’s going on.

The price of gas at the gas station near my house. The 1499 gas is “volatile oil” the 1210 gas is “light oil.” I don’t know what the difference is between the two since I don’t own a car here. I’m going to assume that it’s like premium and regular back in the USA.

For the sake of simplicity, we’re going to say that 1,000 won is equal to $1US. Prices look pretty good don’t they? Oh wait, you’re probably forgetting that America is the only country that actually uses gallons. This is the price per liter. For the uninitiated, 1 gallon is approximately 3.79 liters (way to make me do math people…god I hate you so much).

Say what?! That means that gas would be around $4 a gallon, and like I said, these prices are pretty low compared to other places I’ve seen, so America quit yer bitchin’! And if the price of gas is such a problem, trade in your tank of a SUV vehicle for a bike or a bus pass.

“Seriously, This Is About Hamburgers And Me”

Today my long time friend, Pete Turner, arrived in Albany, NY after traversing across the state from beautiful bankrupt, Buffalo. Pete and I headed out to get some lunch and catch up on old times. We met up with Shane Jones and headed off to Red Robin, home of some big hamburgers.

On the way to Red Robin, we were driving in a minivan, as I don’t have a car, Pete’s car stayed in Buffalo, and Shane’s car had a wheel that was tilted. So we’re driving in this minivan blasting Led Zepplin and basically freaking people out. At one point we stopped at a red light. There was a jeepcar of two middle aged women next to us, and they were pointing and laughing at us…until the light turned green and we did drag racing against them….they weren’t laughing after they at our dust! (so not serious).

Anyhow we arrived at Red Robin and went inside to score some big hamburgers…and big they were! All the hamburgers were monsterous. Additionally the resturaunt had some gimmic about “never ending” French fries. Oh and they and draft beer in a size known as “mondo,” which you know we obviously ordered.

Needless to say we came out of the venue, totally destroyed by beef, fries, and beers. During the ride home I was sweating hamburgers out of my sweat glands…it was horrible.

Fairly uneventful day. Today found me at home with everyone else in my family at work, save for my dad. So I hung out with my dad for the afternoon. Among the awesome lines uttered was this: “Your sister is an idiot.”

And she is…

Later in evening my siblings and I went out for a night swim which was good fun. Since my childhood, pool toys have become much more sinister things. Among the “fun” items we assaulted each other with were the Toypedo, which is a hard rubber torpedo that you throw at each other under water. If it stays under the water the toy is good fun and is a lot like tossing a football around. If it pops out of the water it becomes much more dangerous, in that it weighs about 3 pounds and is hard rubber. Awesome!

The other toy was a foam ball that absorbs water and they splashes when you peg someone with it. Only it doesn’t splash…it just gets really heavy and knocks people out. So it was good fun with the whole family attempting to maim each other.

On Saturday afternoon I met up with my friend, Shane Jones. Since I came here he moved from the suburbs into the city (I use that term loosely) of Albany. So we picked up a case of beers (a variety pack of random Vermont brewed…uh brews), and drove out to his new place.

He’s living with a lady, but she was out of town for the weekend, so the evening was ruled by testosterone…oh wait it wasn’t. We listened to way too much indie rock and drank beers while talking about life…but I’m getting way ahead of myself.

Since the beers were warm, we put a bunch in the ice box and decided to head out to get our chow on. My friend, Shane Jones, told me of an outstanding Mexican place near the pad so we headed out to go eat Mexican food on a balcony. After a short walk we arrived at a venue named, El Loco.

“I don’t think this is the place,” my friend, Shane Jones, proclaimed.
“Hi guys inside or patio?” the friendly host asks us.
“Patio,” we answer in unision.

After being lead out to the patio, and given some menus, Shane Jones informs me that this is definately not the place he thought it was, but it was too late now, we already had Corona’s on the way. So we ordered up some Mexican food (I know chimichangas and enchilladas were involved), drank Corona’s and talked about life in the hood.

After getting our grub on we headed back to his homestead to drink some beers and listen to jams. Shane played me a couple CDs that he claimed were awesome (note to self, get myself Clap Your Hands And Say Yeah, and Death From Above 1979) and then we moved on to random mix CDs.

Both Shane Jones and his lady friend are all about creating mix CDs…they are not however all about labeling them, or puting them in any kind of case, so we had no idea what we were going to get into. Like all mixes these all started off pretty strong, but went on too long and kind of lost their steam by the end of the disc. Among the CDs the song, “Maps,” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs was the most frequently featured jam.

Anyhow after listening to tunes, we watched some mid 80s Frank Zappa on a debate show verbally beating some dudes down about censorship, and drank more beers. The we drank more beers, and drank more beers, and got a slive of pizza, and then called it a night.

The End. And Drank Some Beers.

“A Friendly Game of Beer Pong”

Earlier in the week I had been in contact with my friend Ryan. Ryan and I had worked together several summers back and later he was a T.A. in some classes I took. We used to get together for random alcohol based adventures back while I was living in America. These adventures were awesome and included such hits as “Wyatt falling asleep on the hood of a car in a snow storm,” “Puking In Front Of The Cohoes Mastadon,” and “A Cheap Trick Concert That Never Went Down.” Needless to say, Ryan was excited about the prospect of my return to the US of A, and planned an evening of beer pong and other random drinking at his pad to commemorate my arrival.

Ryan and I met up around 8:30, got some pizza and wings and watched Team America World Police: Unrated Version while awaiting the arrival of other people so we could get the game underway. First off Team America World Police is an insane movie. Ryan was all about the theme song from it, which basically bellows, “America…FUCK YEAH!” a lot and decided that he needed to use it as his theme music on the first day of class (he’s an American history professor at a couple local colleges). I was all about the fact that the Korean spoken went back and forth between stereotypical, “Ping pong ching chong,” bullshit, to actual Korean (야 새끼야…너 죽어라!” with no rhyme or reason.

Anyhow I digress. Around 10:30 Ryan’s lady friend and one of her friends arrived, and after a couple drinks it was time for some beer pong. These girls used some really odd rules I’d never heard of in my life.

At one point during the match, “Danger Zone,” from the Top Gun Soundtrack started to play, so I powered up Tom Cruise style (jumping on a couch, pounding my fist on the floor, and bellowing about my love for Katie Holmes). Thanks to the powers of Tom Cruise’s insanity (and the fact that I’m not on Ritalin…though I probably should be) we were able to beat the ladies hands down, but then they said there was some kind of extra innings rule where if they both got ping pong balls into the same cup that they won. They did get them both in the same cup, and for some reason the same extra innings b.s. didn’t apply to us. Whatever it was some decent crap. And in my heart of hearts I know that we won.

Following that there was a dart game and then some of Ryan’s relatives who were in town for some sort of wedding stopped in. They had some pizza and drinks and then took off. At that point we called it a night. I got to sleep on some half deflated air mattress and listen to Ryan and his girlfriend have an extremely mumbley conversation.

(LOW VOICE): MREMEMEMMMEME?
(HIGHER VOICE): mmemremremm.
(LOW VOICE): OK. MMEMEMMSME. MEMREKKMS?
(HIGHER VOICE): emmmemr.

The next morning…or later in that morning, I got dropped off at my house, ready for more nonsense.

I awoke this morning at 4:30am (Korean time) and like a six year old kid on Christmas morning could not fall back asleep. So after several hours of bullshitting around in my apartment for several hours, it was finally time to head off on my journey home to America.

After a brief walk, I arrived at the “airport limo…” forget that, airport bus stop. There among the masses awaiting the arrival of the bus, I spotted a Korean kid clad in dirty sweat pants, sporting a rat tail hairdo. Not even half past eight and I’ve already encountered my first jerk. It was going to be a long day.

The bus ride itself was fairly uneventful, but upon arriving at Incheon International Airport, I found lines like you wouldn’t believe. Now I understand that lines are a part of going to, well…anywhere, so I can deal with them. What I can’t deal with is the fact that apparently no one knows how to get a boarding pass at the airport. Seriously guys, how difficult is it to present your passport, ticket, and hand over any luggage you want checked?

In my case, the lady asked to see my alien registration card, and even with that unexpected level of scrutiny to my documents, I was ready to go in less than two minutes. Some other jerk was at the counter when I arrived at the airport and when I was going through a metal detector some 30 minutes later he was still standing there like a moron digging through his luggage…if you are that dumb, don’t travel.

Moving through the metal detectors, I encountered my next Herculian labor: attempting to get to the boarding gates. Here there was another check point, and again insane lines. Somehow I end up in the line with a group of 5 or 6 old Germen men, all of whom are unable to locate any of the travel documents they need. Hey assholes, didn’t you have to present the exact same documents like 30 minutes ago when you got your boarding pass? What the shit happened?

Anyhow it is finally my turn at the counter. I hand over my documents where I learn that apparently one of the infected cunt hags at immigration forgot to stamp the multiple re-entry stamp into my passport (inspite of being paid to do so). Fuck! I’m one of those guys!

“No worries,” says the nice man sporting epolettes, “There’s an immigration office right over there.” So I tear ass over to the immigration office.

Apparently I am a lot like the Incredible Hulk when I am angry, only instead of turning into a giant green monster, I can speak Korean really well. So I busted out copious ammounts of Korean to the immigration officals, explaining the situation at hand. Five minutes and 30,000원 ($30US) later, I had a stupid stamp in my passport and 15 minutes to get on my plane. There was no way in hell I would be able to get through the check point again (since the lines had grown since my immigration debacle). The nice immigration offical ushers me through the diplomat immigration check point (apparently a lot less diplomats were traveling then jerks today).

I thanked him and tore ass like the unholy offspring of Dan and Dave from the Reebok commercials / Barcelona summer Olympic games. Sitting down in lovely seat 42C a scant five minutes before the alleged take off time, I realize I am completely surrounded by screaming, crying pricks, and by pricks I mean babies.

During the course of the flight, I decided that when I become Supreme Overlord of the Universe, I would make it illegal to travel with infants. Either that or require all airlines to add another class. So it would be: first class, business class, economy, and then baby class. Baby class would be like the steerage class of yore. Down in the bowels of the ship airplane, with all the rats and um….Irish immigrants, wait this isn’t Titanic, but I digress, since I am not Supreme Overlord of the Universe, I’ve decided that next time I fly I’m going business class. At least then if there are screaming kids I can act like an indignent bastard about it.

The actual flight was fairly uneventful / boring (which is a good thing when it comes to air travel). I did witness several extremely odd things while flying across the world though. First off, at one point I witnessed the main screaming prick undo his mother’s belt, and start yanking her pants down while he was standing between her legs…it looked so wrong. Second off, in flight we were subjected to some truly horrid “entertainment,” but among the “Ice Princesses” and specials about 1920s automobiles we were treated to a Inter-Korean (North and South) musical concert, and let me tell you, nothing says “Totally awesome!” like North Korean 아줌마들 (middle aged women) with 80’s metal guitars (cough B.C. Rich cough cough) playing ballads. Third off there was some white trash kid on the plane who did not seem to have any sort of master overseeing him. He spent the entire flight crawling around in the aisle and chasing a broken plastic cup he was throwing about. I stepped on him since he decided the space directly next to my chair was the best place to be loud and annoying. Fourth off, the guy sitting next to me put his carry-on in the overhead compartment, sat down, and fell asleep before the plane even took off. He remained asleep at all times (save for meal times).

13 hours later, it was 11:30 am again and I was in America. I passed through immigration quickly, since for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t an immigrant. I then moved on to the next issue, baggage claim. I knew I would be there awhile since I am always like the last person to collect my bags. My suitcase is always the last one off the plane. This I know, and this I have come to accept.

For some reason the luggage carrosel was on the fritz. There’s not really a lot that can be done. Yeah it’s annoying, but it’s not really anyone’s fault and there’s not a whole lot the airport employees can do while it’s being repaired. Some large white man with bad tattoos, fat gut, and a shaved head bellows what would have to be the best line of bullshit ever: “THIS IS FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT! 13 HOURS ON A PLANE AND NOW THIS?! LAND OF THE FREE MY ASS!!!” Apparently having to wait is limitation on one’s person freedom.

Finally the thing starts up, and my bag comes shooting down the conveyor belt. I grab my luggage, and go out where I meet up with some delegates from my family: my mother, one of my sisters, and my aunt. After mandatory hugs, we drive upstate to my hometown.

In the past two years, my hometown changed a lot. There were tons of new shopping complexes, and eateries, and stupid traffic lights that did not exist when I left the country. In my neighborhood, all the trees were super gigantic now, but the weirdest thing to see was my brother. He was in high school when I left, and now he was a man. He was way too tall and had a man voice, and it was odd.

After my length trip the family and I had some barbeque and then I spent the rest of the evening telling tales of East Asia, and hearing tales of family…that and playing random GameCube games with my brother and sister.

Billy Murry, The Chick From Ghost World, The Dude Who Played Pheobe’s Half-Brother On Friends, and Random Japanese Tits…What’s Not To Like?

I finally got around to checking out Lost In Translation today (God do I feel like Jackie Harvey, The Onion’s Hollywood outsider). Man what an outstanding film that was! It had everything one could want in a film: outstanding humor, beautiful cinematography, and Japanese tits…it doesn’t get any better than that!

As a foreigner residing in Asia there were a lot of scenes that spoke to me. The scene where Bob (Bill Murray) is recieving directions from a film director via a translator reminded me a lot of when I first came to Korea. The director would speak for like five minutes and the translator was like, “He said look at the camera.” It was a lot like staff meetings at my first place of employment. The owner would speak for like five minutes and then our supervisor would be like, “He said, ‘Good job.’”

The other thing that really stuck with me was the a brief segment in which the main characters were out on the town and Bill Murray’s character ends up chatting it up with some random Japanese dude at a bar. Anyone who has lived in a foreign country for any period of time will know that experience and know that kind of local who will strike up drunken conversation with foreigners at bars.

There were some things that did not apply to me. Mainly the fact that I have enough of a command of Korean to carry on most conversations (and definately to order dinner without resorting to pointing to a menu). Additionally I did not feel any of the loneliness or desparation the characters in this movie felt due to being in a foreign land, but perhaps this comes from the fact that I can communicate with locals. I’ve met foreingers who can’t speak Korean and end up being miserable here.

One other thing I noticed was the shots of Tokyo really made Seoul seem like a tiny, slum like city. Even if all they stuff shown in this movie was shot in the nicest parts of Tokyo, I’ve been to the nicest, most extravagent parts of Seoul and the stuff I saw in this flick beat Seoul down like Hulk Hogan beating down Andre The Giant.

※ Editor’s Note: The Korean title of this flick is 사랑도 통역이 되나요? which works out to be something along the lines of “Can ‘Love’ Be Translated As Well?” This is kind of ironic in that this title kind of lost something in the translation.

So here’s the news, I’m returning to America this summer. That’s right kids this summer it’s going to be “百害無益: hamburgers & me.”※ Well at least for two weeks it will be. After two years in the Land of the Morning Calm, it’s time for me to return to my homeland to visit friends and family and stock up on crappy American junk food.

Anyhow as a preview of what I’m returning to I present three highly flattering articles about some establishments in my hometown. The first article is about the Latham Circle Mall. This mall was about a 15 minute walk away from my home and this is where my friends and I would see movies, buy X-men comic books, and play Street Fighter 2 or Mortal Kombat during our years in middle school (or junior high as it was known in our hometown). I really look forward to being able to see all the development that has gone down there since my departure.

The second article deals with the train station near my home. This would be the train station I’d go to anytime I wanted to go into the city or head west to visit friends at college in Buffalo and get drunk and dance at a goth dance club, or play Candy Land as a drinking game, or make out with some girl I’m pretty sure was a lesbian. Anyhow the station used to be really small and kind of turn of the century looking, I’m glad they were finally able to give it the much needed facelift and modernization it was begging for.

The final article deals with the local airport’s desire to get rid of the one thing that gave my stupid podunk town any character most hideous structure ever, the Latham Water Tower. I hope the airport is successful in getting that piece of crap torn down, and I can go home to a home town with an airport that gets even more traffic.

Anyhow that about does it. Check this spot between July 30th and umm…August 13th when kimchi & me does America!

※ Geeky 漢字 Notes: The 四字成語 prior to hamburgers & me, 百害無益 (read in Korean as 백해무익), literally means “100 harms no benefits,” and can be used to describe something (or someone) that has nothing good about it (them).

It is kind of odd to see Korean’s reaction to pop culture things from my childhood in America. First was U-rim’s reaction to Return of the Jedi. Today we are going to be examining my students’ reaction to the classic late 80s early 90s program, “Saved By The Bell.”

Saved By The Bell cast in all their neon color, and big hair glory.

Yesterday I showed an episode of Saved By The Bell to the middle school students I tutor on Saturday afternoon. For me it was more interesting to watch their reaction to the show than watch the actual show itself.

The particular episode in question had Kelly fail a science test. Zack in an effort to win Kelly’s heart (and get tickets to a George Michaels concert) has Screech tutor Kelly. This plan backfires and Kelly gets a crush on Screech. She ends up passing her test and wants to take Screech to the concert. Screech isn’t interested (”George Michaels? Why me…I hate him.”) and then explains that he and Kelly have very little in common and that dating wouldn’t work. Zack and Slater then swoop in to make the rebound, but Kelly is distraught and gives the tickets to the two guys and in a classic Saved By The Bell homoerotic moment, Zack and Slater plan a date to go see George Michaels together (which at present is even more homoerotic than it was at the time).

The most homoerotic picture on this webpage.

The reactions from my students to this was pretty outstanding. Each and every time Slater appeared on screen half the kids would errupt in riotous laughter. “LOOK AT HIM! HIS PANTS! HIS HAIR!” In all honesty the first time I saw him, I too smirked, as it’s been a few years since I saw Slater and his mullet and Zubaz pants, and had forgotten just how rediculous they were, but after the initial shock I was able to keep it together, my students were not.

In addition to the early 90’s disaster that was A.C. Slater, this particular episode featured Screech’s robot, Kevin. This particular robot made lame G rated jokes, but my students found them to be entertaining.

The episode also featured a couple kisses. Culturally this was kind of unusual. Here in Korea kissing is not appropriate to do in public, and it’s rarely shown on television. Even shows that feature a kiss, that kiss is more often than not faked (ie shot from the back of someone’s head so that you can’t see the actual kiss). The kisses in Saved By The Bell were little more than pecks on the cheek, but to see the react of my students you would have thought Kelly was preforming fellatio in the middle of the science classroom.

안녕 여러분! 그뚱댕이 좀 봐. 이름은 햄버거맨이에요. 그남자가 햄버거 100개 먹으로 유명해요. 햄버거를 每日 먹는 바람에 진짜 똥배있어요. 어느날 햄버거맨은 햄버거 1개 먹다가 보니, 100개 每日 먹어요.

사진 찍는 사람은 함버거 1개를 먹는 바람에 햄버거맨은 너무 화났어요. 조심해!!! 그분이 똥돼지처럼 먹어요

This past week I was sick, but since there is no such thing as a sick day in Korea I went into work, while visually ill. Anyhow, my student’s mother saw that I was ill and asked me if I missed my mother while I was sick. I answered honestly that I didn’t miss her, but it got me thinking. Is there anything I miss about America? The answer is, yes there are things I miss. First off I don’t miss my family that much. What with the internet and telephones, I still am able to communicate with them fairly regularly, so they’re out of the running. Anyhow, without further delay, here are the top five seven things I miss.

7. Doritos
Korea has it’s own kind of Doritos, but they are whack. That’s right! They are totally whack. They taste as if they were flavored with the ramen soup powder from Korean style ramen. I long for the real Doritos.

6. Deodorant
Koreans don’t use deodorant…therefore aside from sticks smuggled of military bases and sold on the black market, it’s not avalible. I for one need deodorant, but am against paying an insane price (close to $8) for a stick of that white chalky kind of deodorant. I need my Ocean Surf Speed Stick. So anytime I’m running low I have to have someone in the States mail me a stick. This is something that I think sucks.

5. Ethnic Cuisine
In Korea I can get Korean food, Sino-Korean food, and Japanese food fairly easily, but aside from that you’re s.o.l. The thing I crave most frequently in the realm of ethnic cuisine is the most base of all cuisine: the taco!

4. Re-runs From The 1980’s
I didn’t watch much TV in America, but for some reason I was a sucker for crappy 1980s sitcoms. You can’t beat The Cosby Show, or Saved By The Bell for some outstanding entertainment. I can probably find episodes on a peer to peer downloading service, by more often than not the quality is horrible to the point of being unwatchable. This probably has been allviated somewhat by the fact that I now have the channel Series TV which has re-runs of shows like MacGuyver, The Incredible Hulk, and A-Team. I do, however, still miss Cosby.

3. Indie Record Stores
While I listen to and enjoy Korean indie, and I am kept up to date on the American indie scene (thanks Pitchfork), it’s often quite hard to find American indie releases here in Korea. And due to them being indie bands, they are equally difficult to find online (not that I’m all about downloading jams anyhow…unless they are crap to begin with).

2. One Thousand Kinds of Beer
I wrote about this a couple days back. As horrible as they were cheap, the main brews I miss is Natty Lite and it’s harsher brother Natty Ice.

And the number one thing I miss about America is….(drum roll)

1. Pete Turner’s Basement in Summer
Rockin’ out with a band. Chuggin’ brews with friends. HBO original series OZ. Nintendo. Records of punk bands and old hippie bands. Bad movies. Insane number of channels. Pete Turner’s basement in the summer could not be beat.

Photo to ruin my chances of having a successful career in government.

Prior to leaving America, I formulated a theory about the uncanny relationship between Korea and the state of New Jersey. Allow me to explain.

1. New Jersey and Korea share similar latitudes.

2. New Jersey and Korea have an spookily similar shape. Examine if you will the following side by side comparison.

Jersey and Korea

3. Ask any Korean you know if they have relatives in America. If they do chances are these relatives will dwell in New Jersey (or L.A. but that doesn’t work with my theory).

4. Both are fairly polluted places (well Seoul and the Jersey Shore anyhow).

But all of this was just a lot of Leonard Nimoy, In Search of… shit, that is until yesterday. I was waiting for a train in the subway station. Here in Seoul some stations have large televisions between the tracks that play all manner of nonsense, commercials, subway safety messages, and from time to time music videos.

Yesterday I was waiting for my train to arrive when suddenly some fuckin’ Bon Jovi video started playing.

Bear in mind I’m not talking about some “new school” Bon Jovi. This was “Livin’ on a Prayer” Bon Jovi. This was permed mullets and fringe wearing Bon Jovi. This was Jersey’s Finest Bon Jovi. Upon witnessing that video, my theory was proven.

I came home last night all ready to write a pissed off entry about how Americans are stupid, due to the results of the presidential election, but when I got home there were no results…so I just began my glossary of terms. Turns out I only had to wait 12 hours to do so, but in 12 hours time a lot of my ire had vanished, but here is my “angry about election outcome” post:
Well it looks like I’m going to be in Korea at least for four more years. I woke this morning to learn that in my homeland it’s going to be more of the same for some years to come. This news comes on the heels of learning that at my job, I will be starting a new class (3 more hours a week). Now 3 more hours is already bad enough, but the way it works out I will be finishing Monday, Wednesday, Friday nights at 7:00 now, and if I catch the bus (which I rarely do) I’ll get home at 8:30 pm. I have to leave my house at 11:00 am to get to work at time. This new schedule pretty much puts the kabosh on me going to school and learning Korean, which is one of the things I liked about that job to being with, so now (since I can’t go to school anymore) I might as well work at some suck ass hagwon closer to my house. The way I figure it with my commute factored in I’m tied up in work related nonsense the same ammount I was while working at Kid’s College, and unlike Kid’s College I actually pay taxes now. I’m not one to break contract or cut and run, so I’ll stick it out in Goyang-dong until April, but after that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Right now I’m leaning towards getting a part-time job and then going to school to learning Korean…and possibly get my TOEFL certification. However this is many months away, and is subject to change.

Hello there troopers. It is me again. I have not undated recently as I have been bogged down in school and work. Anyhow for today’s editorial I am experimenting with a new concept. Please read the following AIM conversation for the birth of this idea:

Robocop970: i got a new idea.
Robocop970: give me 3-5 unrelated words or concepts and im gonna make one editorial that includes them all and links them together
GodBurglar: Sombreros
GodBurglar: Cheese Dododles
GodBurglar: Cyborg Cops
GodBurglar: Yeti
GodBurglar: Isaac newton
Robocop970: ok.
Robocop970: here we go.
GodBurglar: lets see this
GodBurglar: afk doing painting

Well lets see what I’ve got to work with. Sombreros, Cheese Doodles, Cyborg Cops, Yeti, and Isaac Newton. Ok this will be mad easy!

The other day I was in campus center at school. I guess they are opening some Mexico themed dining facility at the school for some random men were walking around in sombreros and there was some DJ blasting Mexican Hat dance type music. I swear unto you this is true. Anyhow I was just there to get coffee so I did evading on fake mexicans cuz they obviously would have attempted to hand me strange units about a mexican resturaunt.

Anyway now that I have typed out that factoid here is the true story of the creation of Cheese Doodle type snack products. There will be through documentation. and I’ll probably use Groliers too.

Isaac Newton was born in 1953 in Mexico City, Mexico. Originally he was named Julio Miguel Sanchez. From a young age, Julio trained under his father to become a sombrero manufactuer. However in late 1970 a terrible accident involving a Black Sabbath record left Julio unable to crafted sobreros anymore. Julio like many of the time turned to drugs to ease the pain of being in 1970. By 1973 Julio was in real deep, with two knives in his hand even when he was asleep. In 1978, Jesus Christ came to Julio in a dream and told him to get his shit together. Julio, did as the lord commanded narced out some of his drug buddies and went into a witness protection program. And thus Isaac Newton was born.

Isaac Newton relocated to Detroit, MI in the US of A in 1978. Once there he got married to a stripper named Busty McBoobs. The two lived happily in Detroit until 1986 when OCP developed some sort of cyborg cops that were suppose to keep the city free of nuke. However the robots went apeshit and ended up destroying most of Detroit. Isaac together with his pet Yeti, Hulk Hulligan, destroyed the robots and were declared heros of the realm. Isaac was rewarded with $100,000. One day while counting his loot with Hulk Hulligan, Isaac desired some sort of crispy cheese however no such product existed so he took his reward money and used it to create Cheese Doodles. He had a party with all the world leaders and everyone was happy.

Fin.

Ouch, that was weak. I feel bad about it so here some bonus editorial to attempt to make up for it. Today’s topic is People who need to get punched.

1. Fred Durst - Look at this ass hole and you know he needs to get punched in the face.

yeah i’ll break your fuckin’ face tonite…

2. Matt Damon - I really don’t like this man. I don’t have a real reason for it. He just bugs the crap out of me. I think it might have something to do with project greenlight.

…

3. Ben Affleck - Like matt damon only time 87. This man is always getting in my face when Oz is suppose to be on and he’s yelling about some crap ass show about making a stupid ass movie that no one cares about.

go away i want to see oz…

4. Brekin Meyer(??) - I guess that is this fuckers name. Anyway I really hate the way he is. He’s in road trip. He looks like he’s 35 he’s suppose to be a college freshman. Anyhow he is a chumpox. He needs a beatin’!

damon, brekin meyer who needs a beatin’?!!

Well who is worthy of distributing this well deserved beatings? None other than this man…

CHUCK ZITO!

you know he’s a bad ass. He’ll knock their asses out!

this came up when i searched for chuck zito on google.

anyway thanks for bearing with me. I think my experiment failed but it can be blamed on matt damon or fred durst so i’m cool with it. See you next time!

Welcome to the Gospels friend! How are you doing this week? That’s good. Well anyhow I had week 1 of school, which went pretty well. Anyway what have I been up too? Pete and I have been hard at work on the new Tanglevines album. It is turning out extremely well. Today we were checking levels for a song where during the soundcheck we jamed out on some sort of deal that ended up being a new song that was really good. It’s called “Mayonaise & Snowpants,” which was originally something we wrote a year ago or so…
Speaking of rocking out is it just me or does M.C. Hammer cause everyone to want to start a rock band and play a cover of one of his songs at a show.

Ah for tonite’s editorial we’ll take a look back at one of my favorite decades again. Last week it was 80’s video games this time it’s 80’s cartoons. So buckle up.

Obviously if one is talking 80’s cartoons, The Big Three, namely GI Joe, Transformers, and He-man. While these are all supreme programs, in this editorial I plan on talking about some of the lesser known cartoons of the decade.

Gobots - While Transformers was actually a decent show, The Poor Man’s Transformers, I mean Gobots, was rediculously lame. Basically the thing that made it lame was its humans. As we speak I am perusing two books I owned when I was 4. They are both about Gobots. Now what do we got for humans in this awesome show? There’s some bocce looking white kid with blonde hair and a really funny nose (named Nick no less). There’s some man with a big mustache (a dude named Matt Hunter). And then there’s token minority and token female in one character (token black girl named A.J.). Anyway the other reason I don’t like the Gobots is Scooter. Or maybe I like it because of that. Anyway Scooter is the most retarded looking transforming robot imaginable. I actually feel sorry for it.

Nice enemy you got there Gobots.

Captain N: The Gamemaster - When it came to commercials desguised as children’s television, Capt. N couldn’t be beat (although He-man and TMNT both came close). Basically Capt. N told the story of some dude named Kevin who got sucked into his Nintendo Entertainment System click here if you are confused as to what NES is all about. Anyhow once inside his Nintendo he does all sorts of antics about versing enemies and macking it to a princess. Speaking of Nintendo, do you remember the first time Shawn beat Mario 3 where Princess goes “Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another castle….” where he threw the controler and spit on the tv. And then it goes, “Just kidding!” I beat he felt like an ass.

Kevin The Gamemaster gettin’ his grope on…

Thundercats - Ok here’s the story of Thundercats. Basically I’m like 5 or so. I think Thundercats is the grandest show on television. I owned all the original hit of toys (let’s not get into that period of any toys based on a TV show where they create mad action figures that had nothing to do with the show) except Lion-oh which my younger sister owned for some reason (at least about superhero action figures I got superman and batman, she had green lantern….) Anyhow Thundercats was the shit when I was young. I had a thundercats pencil case for christ’s sake. Anyway fast forward to whatever year I was in 10th or 11th grade. The channel known only as Cartoon Network shows some commerical about having Voltron and Thundercats coming on. HO SHIT! Two excellant shows from my past. I watch Thundercats and for some reason they…talk…like…a…bunch…of…retards. At least Panthro was black in real life.

Lion-oh really does blow…

Voltron - see entry for Thundercats only insert “Fact the the show was boring” for the part about sounding like retards. Also take out the bit about “At least Panthro was black in real life.” Actually leave it in.

Classic giant robot team…don’t believe me even power rangers followed this pattern.

Hammerman - Good god…the M.C. Hammer Cartoon. While this technically is early 90’s and not really 80’s it follows the same rediculous formula. This theme song tells the story so I don’t have to. Anyway…if you like M.C. Hammer and really crappy looking cartoons that play like an afterschool special, then check out Hammerman.

Please hammer don’t hurt me…

Anyway I think that about does it for me. I’m off to take a shower and practice writing kanji. We’ll see you next time.

Ah after week one of school, I posted an editorial. Good thing I woke up at 7:00 am today. Seriously WTF?! Anyway I’m getting ready to post some sort of big update about things. Yup.

Konichi-wa! Wyatt here, checking in once again with my report from the home front. Anyway my winter holiday is coming to a close and I therefore feel as if I should post some sort of an editorial about something. First off in something that has nothing to do with anything, today I visited my friend. She is from Japan and today she showed me how to build sushi. That is a good skill to posses, however mine kept falling apart, since they were not well constructed. Anyway where was I…ah yes! This Friday was a night of quotes to end all quotes. For those of you that missed it here is a brief recap….
First off we were drinking at Pete’s home. We drank some Sam Adams Winter Lager which for some unknown reason messed us up badly (including shane). To sober up we walked to 76 Diner, ah the realm of the gods! Anyway at this diner numberous lines were uttered. First off in the booth next to us some man was argueing with some womens. The man uttered the line to one of the “It’s a long walk back to Troy!” Basically Pete and Cory were both destroyed.
Next we got our check. Cory brought up the money and paid and Pete was to recieve a couple dollars change and announced, “Where are my dollars?” Cory handed him one dollar to which pete responded, “I didn’t say dollar. I said dollars with a z.” The men in the both next to us shot us a look and we knew it was time to go.
As we returned to pete’s domain we walked past a real crappy bar, anyway some girl that baby sat me when i was like 10 was coming out of the bar so I shout “YO KAREN!” and she jumps and says “Who is that?” I respond “Wyatt.” (ah the joy of being the only Wyatt in upstate new york), she responds “OH MY GOD I CANT SEE A KID I USE TO BABY SIT AT THESE BARS….” we walked away discussing how in the morning she would probably be looking in the mirror comptemplating her life.

Well now that that is out of the way let’s do an old school style editorial. You know where I pick some random topic and rant about it for several paragraphs. Tonight’s topic is going to be “Why the original Nintendo was the best system ever.”

Basically if you are between the ages of 16 and 28 you have played the original Nintendo. Unlike today where you have your Gameboxes, and X-Cubes, and Playstations (1 & 2), back when Nintendo hit the scene it was the only game in town (Sega Master System does not count). There fore probably my number one reason for why Nintendo was so great would be since there was only Nintendo there was none of this BS like “I really like but I own an X-Box and therefore would have to buy a Gamecube to play it.” With Nintendo if you went to your buddy’s house and played some sort of game, chances are if you bugged your mother enough you could have it at your home too.

The second reason NES was grand would be the shear number of games for it. This too stems from the lack of competition. But it was great for the kids. Jimmy loves sports games, his brother likes side scroller games. Whelp both would be happy with a NES.

Reason number three as to why it’s the best ever…the numbers of accessories that came with it. First off in the old school you had the best idea (worst actual unit), R.O.B. aka Robotic Opperating Buddy. Basically this little plastic robot was suppose to play NES with you by some sort of spinning of gyroscopes. I knew a kid who owned this and I never saw it come close to working. However robots rule so I gotta give Nintendo points for trying. The NES zapper. Hands down the coolest video game controler firearm (and probably the only one more than 3 people owned). It came in two colors. First the standard NES grey and then an absurd hunter orange color (I had that one). Anyway NES actually made games you needed the gun for so it was pretty chill when you got it. The Power Pad. Basically lets get this kids moving again. The power pad was a pad on the floor that you would run on in order to make a man run in a game. Super Team games was ultimate. Later on all sorts of bizarre accessories appeared such as the Power Glove and U-Force, two control type deals that controlled nothing.

Ah but the true reason as to why the NES was the best ever…the games! Here in no particular order are my top ten games:

1. Dragon Warrior Series - First RPG I played was Dragon Warrior. These games were great nothing like beating on slimes with a club so you can buy a sword.

2. Final Fantasy - The original. Not 7 or 9 or 23 or whatever they are up to now. This game was a game that I woke up early on Saturday to play. I recall getting up at like 6:20 one Saturday and going into the living room to play this game

3. Super Mario Bros. - First game I had. It got much play. This game is basically the video game. I bet your parents even know of Mario Bros.

4. Mike Tyson’s Punch Out - After he did rape, he was dropped from the game and replaced with some white guy. MT’s PO is way better than this other version.

5. The Legend of Zelda - Man this game is still fun to play. Such randomness in it. A candle that creates flames the size of trees, weird piles of shit that eat shields, and Dodongo hates smoke.

6. River City Ransom - I didn’t get this game until I was in high school and they didn’t make NES games anymore. Anyhow my friend and I basically play this game one day for the entire day and beat the game. It was awesome.

7. Mega Man Series - Woodman, Cutman, Gutman, Native Americanman…great enemies from a seemingly endless NES series. I know I had Mega Man 6. (I guess these games are still being made today for other systems. What enemies they got now? College Studentman, Markerman, Re-writable CDman?)

8. Gyromite - If you ever played this game you obviously crushed the old man “accidently.”

9. Metroid - This game was epic except for the fact that it asked for really long ass passwords in order to continue.

10. Castlevania Series - These games were crazy fun. I know no one who has beaten the first Castlevania, however Castlevania 2 everyone and their cousin has beaten. I’m not sure about three. Anyway in Castlevania 2 some man utters the line, “After Castlevania I warned you never to return.”

An honorable mention goes to Bad Dudes for yelling “AHM BATD!” when you clear a level.

Anyhow that does it for me, but I’ll be back at you again baby so hold on cuz its all about releasing some pressure and gettin’ that glove…we outta here baby!

Getting ready to return to school. I uploaded a new editorial. That’s about it. I gotta go meet my friend, so I’m outta here.

A new year, a new editorial, and it’s one of my most thought out…I think. Check it! I’m all over the place.

Happy belated New Year. Basically I had to format my computer on the second of Jan. so hence the delay, anyhow on with the show.

Ah…2002! A new year a new begining…lemme see how did it start ah yes…we visted my friend Shane’s domain and drank some beers (good ones this time mind you) and played X-cube or gamebox or whatever one it is. Anyway his brother and my brother are in same grade so my brother came along and he versed Shane in some sort of Madden game during which for some reason known only to the Taoist immortals i stood up with a mouth full of chips and bellowed “Your quarterback just got sack…” as you can imagine it is now a joke and is performed in a voice not unlike that of a retard. As for actual midnight I think there is a picture were I do that “V” thing with my fingers like Japanese school girls or Eric Roberts.

yup i did the same move…

Anyway as I’ve already told you my computer crapped out on me earlier but I was playing Dragon Warrior 7 on playstation so I wasn’t too concern, anyway I made efforts, namely reformating my computer to make the save.

Several days later, the Fifth of January I believe, I attended what would have to be THE WORST FILM EVER!!! This film would be Vanilla Sky, basically a 30 minute movie compressed into a 2 and a half hour film. The film didn’t start too badly…some preview for a new Mel Gibson movie…(ME to PETE: Is this a Mel Gibson Vietnam War movie?) Lo and behold it’s about the Vietnam war. I bet it is longer than 2 hours also. Why does M.G. only make historical epics now. Me and Pete had a joke about this fact a couple months back after watching Patriot and Braveheart. Anyhow, Pete built a flash animation of a film called “North vs. South” in which Mel Gibson is Abe Lincoln, anyway its a matter of months before our joke becomes a reality…I can see it now “HOUSE DIVIDED starring Mel Gibson and Sean Connory comming to theaters Christmas 2003.” Oh where was i? Ah yes on to the feature presentation.

Vanilla Sky can be summed up in two words but I think Tripod or Geocities or whatever site this is on will get me in trouble if I write them so I’m going to try and be civil. Tom Cruise plays some rich fucking ass hole who had the world handed to him when his parents died. You know the kind of guy he is, think back to any 1980’s film about business (Wallstreet comes to mind). Basically I hated him within the first 10 minutes. Well anyway I guess he’s telling the entire story to a shrink while in prison for a murder i guess. Anyway he’s some magazine editor who gets to nail Cameron Diaz but he is unhappy about that and wants to do Sophia who is some Hispanic woman. Anyway, Cameron Diaz drives off a bridge and crashes into a wall at a humours angle. I laughed about it. Then tom cruise has deformed and goes into depression. Anyway he goes out of depression and goes to a bar club where in the bathroom where some awesome heros tell him to and I quote, “Dude…fix your fuckin’ face!” the other dudes, with this character do some knee slap move with “Heh heh.” laugh…fucking brillant scene there. Anyhow some crazy shit happens, I don’t really know about it where Cameron Diaz comes alive and is Sophia or something or maybe that happened in the past, but was shown to us later in the film, because it keeps switching about in time and things of that nature. Anyway Tom Cruise gives to Cruise-missle to Cameron Diaz (claiming to be Sophia) but she pisses him off so he smothers her until she is a corpse…uht oh Tommy…that was real Sophia. So he’s in prison with Kurt Russel as a shrink. And then in the last fifteen minutes they go to some building where I guess Tom Cruise got cryogenically frozen where he got Chopper Deluxe package about living a dream…aka the entire movie was a sci-fi movie about Tom Cruise having a dream. Anyhow we didnt learn this until the last fifteen minutes. Whatever cugbackers.

Ok here are my beefs with this film. Basically it was attempting to be a rock-star, superstar, kung fu allstar art film. Art films don’t have Cameron Diaz in them…American Pie 3 has Cameron Diaz in it….if they wanted to make an art film Cameron Diaz should have been played by Gwenneth Paltrow aka refined Cameron Diaz. Ok here’s beef number two…they tried way to hard to be “poetic” everything was a metaphor even Cameron Diaz who was suppose to be a moron (think of a clean Courtney Love and thats what she was suppose to be) spoke like she was a fucking guru or something. The dialogue was either so drenched in faux-metaphors that it sounded like someone just strung together a bunch of fortunes out of fortune cookies or it was suppose to be a conversation you might have your buddy, but it seemed forced and akward. Lines like “don’t worry i’ll clean it up…” made me cringe at the way they were delivered. YO Shane, this film was basically cinema’s answer to Amanda Ronner poetry. What else is there?
Ah it did start with “Everything in it’s Right Place” off Radiohead’s Kid A, which is kind of nice, but alas, it was not enough. Anyway I do appreciate having seen it as i haven’t seen a truly horrid film in some time and seeing this helped for me to put into perspective what is good what is ok and what is (ok i don’t think Tripod gods are looking anymore) fucking shit.

Until next time keep the fist.

Uploaded a new editorial. A Best of 2001 list. Check it out. Also uploaded another IM convo. Something about Manrage. Give it the once over. See you next year.

Hey there troopers it is Sunday morning again so I should write another hastily thrown together editorial. Since it is approaching the end of 2001 I figured I should do like most major news organizations and compile a year end best of compilation. Please not this article will contain no refernces to terrorist attacks and or their aftermath.
So here we go Wyatt’s Best of List for the Year 2001.

BEST GHETTO TOY: These lame ass wrestlers are hands down the best ghetto toy for the year 2001. Watch for big things to come from these guys in 2002.

These guys are on the move up! Look out Hulk Hogan!

BEST ZACK DUNN FACE: Although there were many good faces made by Zack Dunn in the year 2001, the cream of the crop would have to be this number from sometime in December.

Keep it up bro!

BEST COMEBACK: Perhaps the most suprizing comeback of the year would be Candlebox’s long awaited return…oh wait that never happened. No one cares about those guys…

Better luck next year guys…

BEST ALCOHOLIC SUMMER: Umm…I think this photo speaks for itself.

Wow…that’s way too much hand actions goin’ on who do we think we are…Creed?

BEST UNKNOWN HUMOUR SOURCE: Although a good deal of new school humour appeared in 2001, hands down the winner would be the concept of Scott Stapp’s (of Creed) moves. For more information on this phenomenum go to here. Honor shout outs go to “The Guy With College Credits,” “A Dad,” and other such creations.

With arms wide open indeed…

BEST POINTLESS JOURNEY: 2001 saw a trek to Vermont in an effort to purchase Natty Light Beer in bottles. Anyway we failed at that but we managed to buy a half gallon jug of beer, see about 3245 fish fry stands, crash a car into a ditch on a dirt road, and find a super market that had those slap wrap bracelets. All and all not a bad trek.

I think that just about does it. Oh wait here’s some more deals. They are gonna be rapid fire…

BEST NEW TV SHOW: Six Feet Under
BEST OLD TV SHOW I DIDN’T REALLY WATCH BEFORE THIS YEAR: OZ
BEST SETUP: Pete Turner After move when he got digital cable with way to many movie channels.
BEST HORRIBLE MOVIE I’VE SEEN WAY TOO MANY TIMES ON HBO/CINEMAX: Robocop 2
BEST 21ST BIRTHDAY: Mine. Went to some sort of Korean resturant with boss and his family. They fed me Korean Vodkas and little korean kids sang happy birthday at me.
BEST CONCERT: Ben Folds at Northern Lights. He had a keyboard guitar ’nuff said!
BEST ADDICTION I DEFEATED: Everquest. My computer isn’t roughneck enough for it anymore…I can’t play. I don’t care.

Ok for real this time I think I’m done. There’s still a few more days left before 2002, so I may update this if anything else comes to mind, but probably not so have a good New Year, see ya in 2002!

Aloha! Kradford’s Bio has been expanded slightly, plusir un neuveau editorial. Check it check it double deck it baby! Aw yeah, well it’s getting late and I should probably bed it up soon, so catch you later. BACK! I uploaded a stash of saved instant messages. Most are kind of embarassing and lame, but I don’t really care. There are some humourous lines in them.

A mini-update so to speak. I uploaded a rough draft of my alter-ego’s, Kradford Biley, bio. Look for a new editorial in a day or two.

Well, I am bad at updating things on a regular basis, but now I’m back. For now the update consists of an editorial that was written in October I believe (#12). Mind you it was written for another webpage so it’s going to be a little repetitive for veterans. But the plan now is to do an update once a week on Sunday morning, so be on the lookout.

Ah yes. Also Gallery Version 2.0 is now up…check it out dude.

There is another new editorial up (#11). Check it out! It’s fairly random. Umm…a special gallery is in the works, but it probably won’t be up and running for awhile yet.

Small update. Check the editorials. I don’t feel like talking.

Ok so basically I’m up in it. Here’s the story thus far…EQ (aka Everquest) is boring as fuck to me right now, and I am done with school so I need something to amuse myself…therefore the return of the Gospel! Anyway on with the fun!

TODAY’S GOSPEL: MUSIC VIDEOS

So basically my friend moved and in his new house he got digital cable which is pretty uber. The thing that is prally the most uber (aside from horrid HBO style porno) is MTV2! HOLY FUCK ON A WHEELCHAIR RAMP A MTV THAT PLAYS VIDEOS…AND NOT JUST RAP VIDEOS! Well I thought this would be so rad since I got to see the new Weezer video which rocks out to the max. Anyway MTV2 has a show called Rocking Out or something like that. It is a show about Rock videos…good idea in theory, however, for the most part rock videos are not worth watching and here is why in a systematic fashion.

1. Director: Fred Durst. WTF Dude? He basically directs every “rock” video out there now. I like how Korn made this rap metal deal popular on their own so they bring Limp Biscuit up who brings like 808323 other of these bands along, all of whom have Fred Durst directed videos. Now I wouldn’t have a problem with FD directing videos if he made good ones, but too many of them follow in the footsteps of Rock Video Problem #2 which is…
2. Black Suits, Scum Building. Ok why do rock bands have to all wear black suits and play in a decrepid building? Is there a law about this? Some of the worst offenders of this: (ASIDE: Please note that I have no actual clue what half these videos are called) Papa Roach video for “Between Angels and Insects,” Cold “No One,” and some video by a band called Unloco (whatever fuckagon).
3. Fake BSB? Yup a lot of rockers are basically fake Backstreet Boys. It’s true! Don’t believe me? Watch videos by Crazy Town, Linkin Park, and some band called New Found Glory. They are all about spiked hair and pretty boy image, for gobots sake Linkin Park even has a NSYNC beat to it.

Wyatt there must be some good rock videos…surely they can’t all suck can they?
No noble reader, they are not all bad. Here are some of the better ones in my humble opinion.

1. Weezer - “Hashpipe”: even though this is called “H***pipe” on MTV2, the video rocks. Sumo wrestlers, a weezer man looking like Kelso from that 70’s show…its pretty rad.
2. American Hi fi - ????: Whatever their hit is, I hate the song, but the video is pretty funny simply for the numberous 80’s hardrockers in the parking lot.
3. Nonpoint - “What a Day”: Generic post-Korn rock done right. Nice random black singer, thick drummer, and disenfrancised youth rocking out to a Nonpoint performance.

So that is my summary of MTV2 and being able to see rock videos, oh yeah my friend also gets Much Music which is a bizarro Canadian music channel with some odd Asian chick VJ who harasses people on the street, which is pretty boss.

Until next time this is Wyatt signing off.

“Green is the color of grass, and of leaves on the tree….and of Greedo.”

There’s some sort of snow disaster so I am very bored today. Cleaned up Cor Lore as well as Boojockoes (both in the stories section). Both of these works should now be readable. Also the front page was changed, but you can see that can’t you?

There is a new section known as Movie Reviews (About Violence). In it I review random kung fu movies and other similar deals. Please check out the animated dif on the front page. It is hilarious.

UPDATE: Wow and update on the day’s update…Cor Lore 2 has been cleaned up and should now be readable. It’s in the stories section.