西洋오랑캐

So yesterday I was kind of busy…

For starters it was my sister-in-law’s wedding day, so for whatever reason we had to get up at the crack of dawn (regardless of the fact that the wedding wasn’t until 12:00). I didn’t have a lot to do to prepare. My suit was already pressed, so all I had to do was get a shower and a shave going on and then stay out of the way of others. I did this by playing Feel The Magic on my my wife’s Nintendo DS.

Anyhow a couple hours later it was 10:15 and we were on our way into Seoul. Why did we leave so early? Apparently to beat the non-existant traffic. Some 25 minutes later we arrived. It is apparently the duty of those family members who aren’t getting married that day to play host. At first I was assigned the task of collecting the envelopes of money and giving out meal tickets to people who arrived, but some uncles took that task from me leaving me to stand by the door and shake the hands of people ranging from those I’ve seen 10 or so time, to those I’ve never met, and thank them for coming. It was far less awesome, and presented far less opportunities to stick my hand in the till.

The wedding itself was pretty much what one comes to expect from a Korean wedding (aside from my own which was totally awesome). Here are some of the highlights from the wedding ceremony that I recall. For starters when the wedding began Jinhui and I both noticed that her father was not seated in his throne (any of you who have attended weddings in Korea know of what I speak), so I was sent to go find him. After a quick sweep of the area turned up nothing I went to return to Jinhui with the bad news of a lost father only to see him leading my sister-in-law down the aisle. I kind of smacked myself in the head and was like, “Oh yeah…this is that kind of wedding.” I’m pretty sure Jinhui had the same reaction.

There was some manner of MC. This particular MC’s speech was awesome, in that he stated, “Now that you are married, the most important thing for you to do is take care of your parents.” I thought that was pretty random. This wasn’t like a 30th wedding anniversary in which the dude was addressing children and grandchildren, this was directed at newlyweds. Also during the ceremony, my mother-in-law had to hug some people (namely her daughter and son-in-law version 2.0), but instead of hugging them or even giving them the “good game” quasi-hug shoulder tap, she just kind of touched their hands. It was kind of humorous.

Following the wedding we went upstairs and had some food. I’m not really all about buffets anymore. There’s always a lot of food there, but nothing is really outstanding. Furthermore, when I go to a buffet I feel the need to gorge myself to “get my money’s worth” even when I’m not actually paying for the food I’m eating. So I usually end up eating too much, busting a gut, and feeling sick for the remainder of the day. This time, since I had to walk around the dining area and tell everyone that Jinhui and I were leaving for America soon and probably would not be seeing them again anytime soon, I did not bust a gut. I was threatened with death, dismemberment, and other acts of violence if I did not take care of Jinhui. On the flipside, one of Jinhui’s aunts told me that if Jinhui didn’t listen to me, I should send her back to Korea and she would make her listen. Good times…good times!

With that all done, we headed for Shinchon. I’m not really sure why but I think it had something to do with going to a record store, since that’s what we did when we first arrived. As we were getting off the subway I found 1,000 won on the ground which is pretty neat. At the record store, I picked up the best of Pipi Band and Pipi Longstocking. While I was looking about I heard Jinhui conversing with the girl at the counter, “Do you have the latest Powerman 5000 album?” “Yes, it’s over here.” “Great! Wyatt, I’m getting this.” Jinhui later explained the reason for her purchase, which is pretty much one of the truest truths regarding rock or any music for that matter, “After I saw them (in this case Powerman 5000, but it can be applied to all musicians) perform live, I was more interested in them and wanted to hear their albums more.” True truth!

With some CDs purchased, we decided to go discharge some fake firearms at one of those shooting galleries that can be found on the side streets in Shinchon. It was 2,000 won each, so we paid with a 5,000 won note and got a 5,000 won note and a 1,000 won note back in return. We then proceeded to shoot targets. I somehow was awesome at shooting the b.b. gun I was given and racked up enough points to win some small stuffed animal (it was a rabbit). Jinhui was slightly less awesome at shooting, though did manage to hit the two smallest / most valuable targets.

Following our shooting gallery experience we traveled to a cinema theater in order to check out the film, 후황花 (En: Curse of the Golden Flower / 滿城盡帶黃金甲). The film was pretty much awesome. It looked outstanding, and unlike 中天, the story was fairly great too.

After said film we went to a bar and got our soju cocktail and stuff on a stick going on. By stuff on a stick I speak of the awesomeness that is 오뎅 and 꼬치. Jawsome!!! From there we got on a bus and rode a bus back to our homestead. It was a pretty rocking day.

Last night I learned the Korean word for a rotating machine because Jinhui and I had dinner at a conveyor belt sushi restaurant. A quick thing you should probably know about me: I didn’t eat fish until I was in college, and up until even more recently sushi was not something I would have ever elected to eat. I mean smoked salmon or eel was alright and there were always California rolls, but I wasn’t a big sushi guy. Perhaps it was the fact the I’ve recently read Sushi no Shoto, but I’ve changed.

That being said conveyor belt sushi is totally awesome! The price was decent, and for the same amount we would have paid to get two or three dishes at Bennigan’s or TGIF we were able to sample 10 or 11 different dishes. The best deal for me was some manner of lightly grilled tuna, like it was grilled on the outside but the center was still raw as raw could be. Anyhow, there was something almost video game-esque about a dining experience in which one has to grab their food before it goes past them.

After sushi and some beers we checked out Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Allow me to briefly slip into bro-dude territory and say, that movie was funny as shit bro-dozer! Jinhui though so as well. That is that.

It snowed this weekend and there was also some thunder and it was also windy and cold. Aside from some quick excursions to places like the gym (to work out) and the supermarket (to get beer and nachos), we stayed in and took it easy, and by “took it easy” I mean we watched a bunch of movies we accquired through means of questionable legality. So here, for no reason other than something else I was working on took too much time and I don’t really feel like typing anymore lengthy passages are Five Sentence Film Reviews~!

Bedazzled

I might have seen this movie once before, but I’m not really sure. I think it was like Gladitor in that I never had seen it from start to finish, but I’d seen enough pieces of it at various times that it counted as seeing it once. Jinhui had not seen it so we watched it. It was moderately funny, but Brendan Fraiser is a toolbag deluxe…not his character in the movie, but just him as a person. If I ever go back and do a revamped list of people who need a beating he’s going on there.

Snakes On A Plane

The means of questionable legality had a Korean summary written on it that included the phrase, “I’ve never seen a movie with more snakes before in my entire life,” and this Korean Roger Ebert was totally dead on! Jinhui in particular liked this movie because the title told us exactly what we were going to be getting (unlike some movies). To my knowledge this movie never offically came out in Korea, and I had to wonder why. Since far worse, far more violent, and more sexual films had all been released here, the only thing I could come up with was that Koreans didn’t like the fact that the enemy was a dude named Eddie Kim. Either that or it was the dude with the 農母告 (농모고 / Farm Mom Tell) “tattoo.”

Littleman

Translated from Korean: “Funnnier that Hot Chick.” There’s not really anything else to say about this movie other than the fact that it totally ripped off a Bugs Bunny cartoon and also I wanted a jacket worn in the film by a toddler. It was this totally sweet maroon cordory jacket with a cartoon tiger patch on the back that looked a lot like the lion I draw. There’s nothing else to say about this movie. Oh, Tracy Morgan was in it.

So there you go three five sentence movie reviews. This has been a presentation of 西洋오랑캐 Enterprises.

Yo what’s crackin’? This week I watched some movies and worked out at the gym and played Gameboy. None of these activities really warrant being written about at any length, so instead you can look at some awesome artwork I did while riding the subway a couple months ago. Ah what the hell…as a bonus I’ll give you one paragraph reviews of the films I saw this week.

누가 그녀와 잤을까?
I was kind of nervous when my wife rented this one, as Korean comedy movies often tends to be well…not particularly funny, but this one was. The story was kind of similar to the film 몽정기 2 in that the central plot revolved around a group of students that lust after a student teacher. Only in this case the students were male and the teacher female…which I guess would make this film more like 몽정기 1, but I digress. The movie was decently funny, and managed to avoid the random serious turn that most Korean comedy films seem to take in the third act (ala the pregnancy and abortion at the end of 색즉시공). If I were to give it a grade I’d say B+ if only due to the fact that the one dude got unwanted boners much like Spinner in that episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation. And as we all know, boners are funny!

The DaVinci Code
Oh my god…was the book this bad too? Seriously this movie was crap. It was like a Hardy Boys mystery with some sort of dumb ass conspiracy theory. It was terrible, boring, and long. Again, was the book this bad? And if it was, why did so many people read it?

Troy
When I was in third grade my friends and I did a moderization of the story of the Trojan War as a school project. This being the mid-1980s, our quest was to get a video game back from a rival elementary school. This film did not feature a copy of Zelda 2, but was none the less entertaining. Lots of good epic battles. Lots of Brad Pitt as Achilles being an ass and roughing up fools. Trojans a plenty! What wasn’t there to like?! Also, unlike the similarly lengthy DaVinci Code, this film didn’t seem like it was two and a half hours long.

Anyhow that’s it. I’ve got junk to do tomorrow and Sunday, so I might not be back until the New Year. If that’s the case, have a good one, and keep it safe.

I saw the film 中天 (which for some reason got saddled with the English title “The Restless”) last night, and my immediate take on the film was that it was a lot like the hot girl in your high school. You know the girl. She knew she looked hot and this being high school she was well liked no matter what she said or did simply due to the fact that she was hot.

中天 was kind of like that hot girl. It was probably one of the most beautiful films I have seen in awhile in terms of scenery and other words that film school geeks like to toss around, but the film didn’t really have a lot to say…and sadly this isn’t high school anymore, so girls or movies can’t get by on looks alone. That being said the movie wasn’t a total dog.

The movie’s plot goes a little something like this…

A warrior named 이곽 (Lee Gwok) gets run out of town in a rain storm and takes shelter inside some shack in the woods with all manner of religious iconography. When he awakes he finds that he is no longer in said shack, but in 中天 (lit. “Middle Heaven”). He talks to some people that are all shocked to learn that he is not actually dead. Suddenly some enemies attack and Mr. Gwok saves a celestial being that used to be his wife or lover or girlfriend. This lady (named 소화 [Sohwa]) and Mr. Gwok hit the road and during the rest of the film run around from fantastic landscape to fantastic landscape and battle enemy forces…who as chance would have it were at one times Lee Gwok’s friends / co-workers. That’s pretty much the entire plot…

While the story might not have been that intense, there were some positive aspects to the film. Aside from the afore mentioned lush landscapes there were some pretty decent martial arts battles. Remember that movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Remember how pissed off you were that there was so little fighting? Yeah, the creators of this film must have heard your complaints since there were crazy fight scenes all over the place. I mean the movie starts off with the hero of the film dispatching some monsters that are menacing a girl tied to a stake. And the film continues with the battles up to the end of the film which kind of looked a lot like someone playing a Dynasty Warriors game (in that it was one man against an army). Also as a student of Korean history it was interesting for me to learn that at the end of the Shilla dynasty there were orcs that roamed the countryside.

Transitioning to something else smoothly…

Several of the reviews I have read of this film compare it to Lord of the Rings, which I personally didn’t get. Granted I may have missed some bits of dialogue due to my less than perfect understanding of the Korean language, and the fact that I was drinking beers, but here are all the similarities to the movie Lord of the Rings (as opposed to the book).

1. Massive use of CGI
2. Orc like monsters
3. Swords, Arrows, Spears
4. Enemy with magic and long white hair clad in robes
5. A large red eye over the final boss’ lair.

And that’s pretty much it…oh there were fights also. So since that seems to be enough to say it’s a lot like Lord of the Rings, I’m going to make my own proclaimation that it was more like Spiderman (again the movie as opposed to the book…er comic book) than it was like Lord of the Rings.

1. Again…massive use of CGI
2. Enemy that had metal tentacles coming out of his back.
3. Swinging from buildings
4. A man with super powers.
5. The man believing that with great power comes great responsibilty
6. Dude doing all sorts of crazy junk to get with the lady he loves.

So that’s one more. This movie is exactly like Spiderman! Actually it’s not like either, it’s like a wuxia film only with actors speaking Korean as opposed to speaking Mandarin or Cantonese. Is it worth checking out? If you like martial arts violence, guys that can fly, or pretty building and mountains than I’d say yes. If you dislike those three things I’d say no.

I am totally convinced that there is no such thing as a decent third installment to a series of horror films. On Friday evening Jinhui and I trekked over to our local movie theater to check out the third film of the Saw series. The first two films had been creepy and kind of made me want to take a shower after seeing them. This third one was just disgusting.

Watching this movie was more like watching Faces of Death or one of those medical documentaries on the Discovery Channel. Perhas this is due to the fact that there was an extended scene in which a doctor cuts open a dude’s skull to relieve the pressure on his brain. This was the most disturbing part of the film, but was ultimately not scary at all…simply stomach turning.

The other traps in the film ranged from sadistic and overly cruel (a pointlessly nude woman in a freezer being sprayed with water) to rediculous (a man chained in a vat that was being filled with dead pigs that were first liquified). None of these traps were particularly frightening…though they did make me question the minds of the people who created them for the film.

But my (sarcasm)favorite(/sarcasm) part of this film was the use of flashbacks! I’d say a good 30 - 40% of the film consisted solely of flashbacks. There were flashbacks to Saw. There were flashbacks to Saw 2. But my favorite of all the flashbacks were the ones that showed us something that happened in Saw 3 a meer ten minutes before…just in case we forgot.

This film was pretty much a complete waste of time. There was nothing of a storyline, being a horror film the acting was…well none of the actors are going to walk away with an Oscar for this film, and perhaps the biggest problem was it wasn’t even scary. Disgusting? Yes, but nothing in it was scary. There was no Friday the 13th / Volvox creepy sound effects. There were no spring loaded cats. Just pointless gore. Do yourself a favor and skip this crap.

Last night…or more correctly this morning, Jinhui and I trekked over to our local movie theater and checked out the latest Korean blockbuster, 괴물 (which for some reason is known as “The Host” in English). I knew very little about the film before checking it out, aside from the fact that there was a monster in it and the dude from 살인의 추억 was in it and had blonde hair.

Anyhow the film began, and in the first scene of the film we see the reason for the titular monster’s existance. Some cold-hearted bastard of a USFK scientist is telling his Korean lackey to dump a bunch of chemicals down the drain in the sink. The lackey’s protests that the chemicals will go into the Han River go unheard and we later see the lackey dumping bottle after bottle down the drain and a slow pan of a ton more empty bottles.

“Oh no, is this film going to be totally anti-American?” I thought to myself.

But it wasn’t. I mean the fact that aside from the monster being the result of the American Forces, the film focused very little on the Americans. Additionally when the monster first attacked there was a scene in which the only person to attack the monster or attempt to save people (aside from the main character) was a white guy…which is pretty safe to assume was playing an American in the film. All in all, it’s quite possible that the original Godzilla (which this film should at least tip it’s hat too) had more anti-Americanism than this film. More than bad political elogies, the movie focused more on fairly disfunctional family coming together against an incredible obstacle.

Anyhow I thought the film was pretty outstanding. Unlike a lot of other giant monster movies that have a lot of boring build-up, this film had instant giant monster gratification. Within the first ten minutes of the film, the monster was killing crap. That’s what I’m talking about! When I see a giant monster movie (Godzilla, 불가사리, ect.) I want to see a monster wrecking everything. I don’t want to see “scientists” sitting around talking about how they can stop the monster. Here we had very little of that nonsense.

From a technical stand point the film was very well made. Casting was on point. Far too often do shows and movies not only here, but in America as well, cast way too good looking twenty year olds to play middle school or high school students. This film finally got it right in casting a dumpy, middle school aged girl to play…a middle aged girl.

And for a last bit, computer animation in Korean films has gotten much better in the short time I’ve lived in the country. Save for the very last scene featuring the monster, the animation is top notch (a far cry from the computer animated airplanes in Welcome to Domakgol).

In conclusion if you like giant monsters, the Han River, and moltov cocktails, check out 괴물!!

Yesterday was a nonstop party during which the wife and I rocked it to the break of dawn! The day began with a trip to 창덕궁. Since spring has sprung we decided to head off with a tripod and take some pictures while standing infront of the natural beauty…or man made beauty that is 비원 (the Secret Garden).

So there was a bus ride and we disembarked in 종로. Before we headed to the palace we grabbed ourselves some lunch. The day’s menu was 오무라이스 that was simply outstanding. I had a unit of 오무라이스 with a carbona sauce, and the wife chowed down on one topped with fried bananas / sweet potatoes. Both were top notch, and apparently we were extremely hungry since we were in the restaurant for about 15 minutes (from ordering to paying the bill).

DSC03799
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

From there it was off to 창덕궁 in order to snap some pictures. Somehow between the last time I visited this venue, and this time, the powers that be became a lot more strict. After buying our tickets we had to wait 30 minutes or so for the next guided tour to begin before we were allowed in. After that, armed guards (armed in the sense that they all had two arms) were stationed around the area to prevent people from wandering off and examining the grounds at their own pace.

So the first 20 minutes or so of the tour was spent trying to evade capture so we could go at our own pace, see things we wanted to see, take pictures, skip the stuff we had no interest in, and so on. I’m not saying that the guided tour is pointless, far from it. It was quite informative the first time I listened to it, and I’m pretty sure that in the past six or seven months, the history of the palace hasn’t changed much.

Finally sneaking off, we made our way to 비원 (aka the Secret Garden) which in all honesty was the reason we made the pilgrimage to that venue. “Let’s go to 비원 with a tripod and take some pictures with decent scenic backdrops.” Which is just what we did. The photo evidence is avalible here for those who care to see it.

DSC03820
Originally uploaded by wdunn.

After throughly wandering about the venue and seeing all that we cared to see, 진희 and I headed over to the bookstore known as English Plus so that she could pick up some sort of book about testing English vocabulary. We we’re then planning to take a bus home, but some farmers from out in the provinces and college students had another idea. Their idea was to get pissed off about the government’s plan to import some food stuffs at much cheaper prices (therefore making it harder for farmers to make money), come to Seoul, march in the street, set fire to stuff, and have the police block off the streets to allow this behavior (instead of busting farmers in the skull). I snapped a couple of low quality photos mostly because I thought their protest wagon was rediculous (see photo to the right).

The flow of traffic was seriously messed up, so instead of taking the bus home, which on a normal day takes about 40 minutes, we had to take the subway (which takes roughly an hour and a half). So I was a tad pissed off, and took this annoyance out the random middle aged women who attempted to push their way onto the subway as the wife and I were attempting to get off to make the first of the transfers we had to make. I seriously close-lined one of them and she got all indignant, but I felt no remorse what so ever.

Jerkass farmers aside the afternoon was outstanding, but the day was far from over. Once back in our home area, we decided to go check out a film at the movie theater. 진희 wanted to see 뻔뻔한 딕 & 제인 (Fun With Dick & Jane), so we went to go check out some tickets. There was a showing at 9:00, but we would have had to sit in seats away from each other, and where’s the fun in that?

There was another showing at midnight, so we purchased tickets which (due to being for a showing at midnight) were 50% off. We headed home to kill some time before the showing, and to pick up some snacks to bring to the theater with us. In a clear sign that I have been in Korea far, far too long, the snack I personally selected to bring with me was not chips, or popcorn, or a candy bar of anysort, but dried squid. That’s right, I brought the very same snack I once loathed to encounter in the movie theater.

Anyhow, 11:15 rolled around and we headed back to the theater, and took in the film. Our seats were outstanding. We had “couple seats” (which is basically one big seat for two people) up on a balcony away from everyone else in the theater. So we sat there, ate our squid, drank our beers and enjoyed the movie. Personally, I thought the film was not that bad. Jim Carrey often annoys the hell out of me with his manic behavior in other films, but here he was more subdued and therefore a lot funnier. All in all the film was pretty decent: a comedy that required very little work to enjoy, which is the right kind of movie to watch at midnight I suppose.

The film ended and 진희 and I walked back home. Sometime between 11:15 and 1:30 or so, a cold wind had picked up and the air was crisp and a tad chilly. We returned home, had a cup of tea and a chat, and then headed off to bed. When all was said and done, it was a fantastic day.

꽃보다 남자…”Man That (Looks) Better Than a Flower.” It’s a pretty stupid term isn’t it? Somehow with the sucess of the film 왕의 남자 this term began showing up on all the Korean versions of Entertainment Tonight, and in all the fashion magazines. What exactly is a “Man that looks better than a flower?” Well friends, today we are going to do an in depth and comprehensive study as to what makes one a 꽃보다 남자.

These lads, for those of you that don’t happen to be 14 year old Chinese girls, are F4. F4 are some sort of Taiwanese ensemble, perhaps singers that were the hunky lead actors in a Taiwanese television program Meteor Garden (流星花園), based on a Japanese comic book, Hana Yori Dango (花より男子). This show aired in Korea, and for some reason, I briefly become all about it.

This program became my first exposure to Flower Men, primarily due to the fact that in Korea it was given the title, 꽃보다 男子. So in my first understanding of the term, 꽃보다 남자, was simply an Asian man with long hair strong jaws, and muscles that make the young girls swoon. And apparently I wasn’t that far off the mark. The series finished it’s run and that was the last I heard of 꽃보다 남자…until this winter.

The winter of 2005 / 2006 brought about the Korean film of the year, 왕의 남자. For those of you unfamiliar with this film, I turn you over to Joel of About Joel, who has a much better thought out and reasoned write up of this film than I could ever hope to create. I’ll wait for you, I promise….

Ok I see you are back. The above picture is 이준기 (Lee Jungi), the current King of the Korean Flower Men. In the film, this was the actor portraying the character kings assumed was a woman (or perhaps knew was a man and didn’t mind). Anyhow, as the film become more and more successful the press (and high school girls) started paying a lot of attention to 이준기 and his looks. The phrase 꽃보다 남자 came back, and my understanding of the term changed.

No longer did I assume it was muscled Asian dudes with nice hair and Superman-esque jaws. Now I was under the impression that the term referred to men that looked like women. “Ah! So 하리수 (Korean post-op transgender Harisu) is the ultimate 꽃보다 남자.” Apparently it doesn’t work that way. The second you have breasts (topless pictures of Harisu…avoid if you have problems with such things), you apparently become ineligable for 꽃보다 남자 status.

So I went back to the drawing board and came up with this theory…if you are a decent looking man and attract hordes of girls to scream and show up anywhere you go, then you are a 꽃보다 남자. Though this is the thing I don’t really understand. Here we have men that are prettier than the girls idolizing them…it would be kind of like American men lusting after big burly women that compete in Lumberjack Games, or have sex with the 1-2-3 Kid.

Anyhow, I’m going to go cut pictures of hot guys out of my Tiger Beat magazines and hang them on my walls…thanks a lot diary, you’re the only one who understands me!

Welcome to Dongmakgol

Yesterday, I started the day with no plans to speak of. Around 11 or so in the morning I had a conversation with one of my friends. She too had no plans so we decided to go check out a movie together, and that movie was Welcome to Dongmakgol.

The film was pretty good, and not nearly as anti-American as the Korea Herald lead me to believe. Set during the Korean War (1950 to be exact), the movie tells the tale of a group of North Korean soldiers, a group of South Korean soldiers, and an American pilot who all independently wind up in a small village completely unaware of the (the afore mentioned Dongmakgol).

Over the course of the movie, all of these guys realize that none of them are really that different from each other while removed from the war. I took the film to be more anti-war than anti-American. All sides in the film were shown doing horrible things during war (North Koreans attempting to kill off their own injured men, South Koreans blowing up a bridge with people on it, Americans beating up civilians during an interogation), so no one comes off smelling like roses. Joel over at, About Joel has a much more detailed account of the movie for those of you who care (there are spoilers there just so you know).

Anyhow now a couple of none plot related things regarding the movie. This film had white guys in it, and while none of those actors will ever win an Oscar (or probably ever be in an American film for that matter), they were slightly better than the chuckleheads that starred in the film 수취인불명 (Address Unknown).

Secondly, is it wrong to think that an actress portraying a retard is hot, if you know the actress is not actually retarded? I ask because the lead actress in the film, 강혜정, is super hot, but in the film was a retard, but I still thought she was super hot.

After the movie, my friend and I went for a walk and then went to a 비빔밥 restaurant. The restaurant was really nice, and the food was delicious, but the conversation was better. It’s been quite some time since I’ve actually carried on a conversation in Korean. So we had dinner, and then went window shopping (아이쇼핑 - “eye shopping” in Korean).

We then shared a frozen yogurt concoction and chatted about various nonsense for another hour or so before calling it a night. All in all it was a really enjoyable evening, the first I’ve had in quite some time.

I recently saw the film “댁의 아빠도 이렇습니까?” (which translates to something like “Is Your House’s Father Also Like This?”) This movie, released in 1971, holds the distinction of being one of the oldest Korean films I’ve seen (to date). It also holds the distinction of being one of the most boring.

The movie begins with a wife waiting for her husband to come home. He is out playing some Korean game I’ve never seen before (it looked kind of like dominoes). The wife is worried and extremely jealous, and while attempting to go to sleep imagines him getting it on with another lady.

The husband returns home early in the morning and his wife is quite upset. He eventually convinces his wife that nothing is going on. Things are right in the world and he heads off to work…where a woman named 미스 김 (Miss Kim) calls to thank him for the good time.

The husband and wife. The film was not black and white, though these pictures are for some reason.

Back at his homestead, the man’s wife with her friend call up the husband’s office and discover his cheating ways. Simulataneously, Miss Kim’s man discovers her cheating ways and confronts the husband. Things don’t really go well, and Miss Kim’s man vows to get revenge.

He then dupes the man’s wife into coming to a hotel where he proceeds to rape her. This is a pretty horrible thing to say, but the rape scene was almost comic in the way it was executed. The pair ran around the hotel room, knocking furniture over, and fighting back and forth. The camera would then cut to a clock in the room showing the passage of time…it took like 3 hours for the rapist to finally get the wife on the bed.

The rapist later mails a picture of the wife (clad only in her undergarments) to the husband. This picture pushes the husband over the edge. Instead of explaining what happened, the wife flees to her mother’s house.

After getting yelled at by her mother, the wife returns to her husband’s family, but things are not so good. Everyone looks at her like she’s a skank ass ‘ho, and her husband can no longer bear to be around her, so he takes off for parts unknown. The wife begins having dreams where her husband returns bearing gifts.

She becomes more and more depressed, and eventually leaves her daughter behind with her in-laws and sets off to find her husband. She discovers him at a construction site of some sort, but after overhearing him talking about Miss Kim does the only logically thing…she throws herself off a cliff. Somehow she survives this and ends up in a hospital.

Back at the construction site, the rapist returns and confronts the husband about what has happened. For his efforts he gets a beat down (a lot of punches to the face, but no visible injuries). Meanwhile in the hospital, the wife is nursed back to health by Miss Kim.

In the end the husband and wife get back together, as do Miss Kim and the rapist. All is right in the world, thanks to a punch out.

The film did include several interesting bits. First off the wife was constantly clad in a 한복. So there were shots of the wife doing dishes, cooking, and ironing while clad in way to formal clothing. I guess this could be compared to American television shows from the 1950s and early 1960s where housewives would be shown preparing breakfast while wearing pearls and highheels. Additionally the shots of the city were pretty interesting. It’s amazing how much a city changes in like 30 years.

There were several things I could have done without as well. First off the film had such an overbearing soundtrack. Someone would proclaim something, and like a bad soap opera, extremely dramatic music would kick in for 2 seconds and then disappear as quickly as it began.

And speaking of audio weirdness, there was something really weird about the daughter’s voice. It may have just been the audio recording tactics, but I’m pretty sure the elementary school aged daughter’s voice was dubbed in by an adult woman speaking in a child’s voice. I’m not really sure why.

Like I said earlier, the film was pretty boring, but that might have something to do with the fact that this movie followed the storyline of basically every other Korean drama that has been on television since the my arrival. There’s only so many bloodless fist fights over a woman and I take without becoming completely numb to them.

불가사리 (Pulgasari)

Occassionally there is a movie, album, television show, book, or other piece of artwork produced where the story behind the creation of the item is far more interesting than the actual work itself. This is the case with 불가사리. The story goes a little something like this…

North Korean ruler 김정일 (Kim Jong-Il) is something of a movie fanatic. Back in the days when his pops was still running the show, Kim Jong-Il was the head of the state run movie house (among other things). The story goes something like this, in the late 1970s Kim Jong-Il had South Korean director, 신상옥 (Shin Sang-Ok), and his actress wife, Choi Eun-hee, kidnapped and brought to the North to jumpstart the North Korean film industry.

After making several films, Shin began work on 불가사리, a giant monster movie in the same vain as Godzilla in the early 1980s. Shin was given use of the North Korean army, and the people at Toho Studios in Japan were responsible for the monster. Kim Jung-Il envisioned plastic 불가사리 toys being sold the world over, but things were not to be.

While in Vienna, Shin and his wife were able to escape from their North Korean keepers and after a taxi chase, fled to the American embassy. For ten years, 불가사리 remained unreleased, in the world at least…who knows what happens north of the 38th parallel. It was released in Japan where it did decently, and later released in South Korea, where it was met with little fanfare.

So what of the actual film? To be totally honest, it’s not anywhere near as interesting as the backstory behind this film. But with a back story like that, and my love of horrible movies, this was a film I’ve been wanting to check out for quite sometime…and I finally have.

After the ending credits (shown at the begining) we get right into the action…kind of. The movie is set sometime during the 고려 period (I’m guessing here), and as the film begins in a small village where we see a woman named, 아미 (Ami) bringing water to some sort of iron workers.

Among the iron workers is an old man (아미’s father) that, due to honorifics in the Korean language, I only knew as 아버지 (”Father”), and a swarthy, headband equipped lad known as 인댁 (Indaek), who I’m pretty sure was getting some from 아미. Early in the film it is revealed that 인댁 is the leader of a resistance movement.

Final a North Korean woman the gives some clout to the 남남북녀 (南男北女) concept…though this movie was made 20 years ago so more likely than not she’s an ajumma now…or dead.

Indek rockin’ it 80’s style. I can’t really mock this Loverboy headband / mullet combo since this movie was made in the 80’s at the height of Loverboy headbands and mullets.

Very early in the film we see why 인댁 would join a group opposed to the government…the government in this film consists of a bunch of assholes. Within the first ten minutes of the film they stroll into town demending all iron in town be handed over in the name of national defense.

“Father” explains that a creature named 불가사리 (Pulgasari) had eaten all of the iron (in reality 인댁 and his posse were hiding it under some straw). The jerkass government officals weren’t buying it.

“We need your iron fool!”

A huge fight breaks out in which 인댁, “Father”, and the other iron workers / rebels are taken into custody. For his outlandish tale, “Father” gets beat down.

Random violence on an old man.

While in prison the guards refuse to give any food to “Father,” while handing over bowls of chow to 인댁 and his homeboys. Since 인댁 is such a filial lad, he refuses to eat unless the old man gets food too, which he does not.

Meanwhile 아미 and her brother, 아나 (Ana…that’s Ah-na not Anna) arrive at the prison with some food for their father, but are manhandled by the guards and ultimately turned away.

“DAD!!!!”

Somehow they are able to throw chunks of rice into their father’s jail cell, but he does not chow down on it. Nope, instead he decides to use the rice to do some sort of arts and crafts project with it. That’s right instead of eating, he uses the rice (and dirt) to craft a crazy looking doll. After a monologue directed to the gods the old man dies.

As the corpse of the old man is being taken out of the prison, 아미 discovers the doll and takes it. Nothing like a rice doll to ease the pain of a dead father. Back home 아미 is engaged in some mending. While sewing she pricks her finger with a needle. The blood from her finger drips onto the doll, who like Frosty the Snowman springs to life. Unlike Frosty, he promptly begins chowing down on sewing needles.

“Ouch…my finger!”

The “blood” from her finger hit the doll her father created…

and it sprang to life, a lot like Frosty the Snowman!

아미 and 아나 think nothing of this and are enamoured with the tiny bizarre creature, which they think is rediculously cute. During the night, 불가사리 escapes the house by chewing through the lock. Outside, the beast continues to chow down on metal, growing in the process.

As the pair stand there admiring the awesomeness that is mini 불가사리, the government officals return to put 인댁 to death by beheading.

인댁’s gonna catch it when Mom gets home. Off with his head!

불가사리 returns to the scene and eats a sword before they can slay 인댁. He then eats shackles…and a face.

PUPPET ATTACK!!!

The governor hears of these antics and is very amused. He then send troops to go investigate. They discover 불가사리, now roughly midget sized, chowing down on a weapons stronghold. The soldiers are unable to do anything against this unstoppable beast. 불가사리 flees of into the woods with some tools and is not seen from again.

At some point after this, the government officals capture an old woman known throughout the film as “Mother.” She is beaten, as is a small child. This does not sit well with 인댁 and his homeboys, so they head over to the prison to break some people out. When they discover “Mother” is dead things turn into a battle. During this battle, 인댁 slays the governor.

A king.

A king is not pleased with this turn of events and wants the rebels crushed. A general with a super low voice (you can tell he’s evil by this fact alone) offers his services to the king.

Evil general enemy with super low voice.

From here we are treated to a battle scene in which the peasant army partakes in some Ewok-esque tactics. A lot of boulders and logs are pushed down hills into oncoming soldiers. The battle scenes in the movie are fairly well done, if one is willing to overlook the obvious styrofoam boulders and logs, and the cheesey toy sword sound effect noise.

Styrofoam boulder assault.

After the battle we get to see how bad the peasants have it. While the king and his men are living the highlife, the peasants are shown eating horses, grass, and bark (not to much of a stretch from what is happening there now).

Eating horse.

During this period, the army returns and is about to capture 아미 is about to be captured but 불가사리 returns and makes the save. He is now man sized, though not for long.

The other rebels are shocked to see the creature, but 아미 delivers some of the greatest dialogue ever uttered: “He got this big by eating iron. Don’t worry, Pulgasari is kind!”

And he is kind! We are then treated to a montage from hell. There are battles, 불가사리 eating weapons, and some of the worst use of blue screen ever.

Worst use of blue screen ever…

The rebels now have the advantage, so the evil general hatches an evil plan with his evil cronies (one of whom has an evil eyepatch). The plan goes something like this: if they are able to capture 아미, they will have 불가사리 in the palm of their hands.

This plan works out perfectly, and the evil forces are able to capture 아미 as she is getting water. I find this unbeliveable, since while all the other rebels are having party time, the woman who controls 불가사리 is made to fetch water….damn you Confucius! Damn you! But I digress.

Come on! You think that can hold 불가사리?! Get real!

The evil general has 아미 and a big cage (pictured above). He tells 불가사리 to get in the cage, or 아미 will get it. 불가사리 goes into the cage, which is set on fire. But these dudes are mad stupid since apparently 불가사리 not only find metal extremely delicious, but is apparently made out of it as well. So instead of dying in this inferno, 불가사리 just turns red, hot, and really pissed off. The general and his men realize that they made a huge mistake and attempt to haul ass in some boats. 불가사리 jumps into the water, which boils due to his intense heat.

Shortly after this rebel victory, there is another battle. During this battle, the evil general has ballistas that are a lot more like rockets that huge crossbows. During the rocket attack, 불가사리 catches one in the eye.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a ballista in the eye.

This does little to stop the fury that is 불가사리, and we are finally treated to the one thing people look for in giant monster movies (aside from an Asian kid in really short shorts), buildings getting smashed! This time it’s not Tokyo being destroyed, but a Korean style palace, which is pretty awesome.

The general has had enough of the rebels and their man in a rubber suit monster, so he comes to the conclusion that the only thing left to do is call in some 무당 (mudang). For those of you that did not study Korean history and culture, 무당 are for lack of a better word a shaman. These women were traditionally involved in exorcisms, fortune telling and other spiritual needs in traditional Korean society…but again I digress.

Bring in the 무당!

The general has a huge pit dug, and then using 무당, causes 불가사리 fall into this pit. The pit is quickly covered with rocks, and it appears that 불가사리 is done (the monster, not the movie). To make matters worse, 인댁 is captured and hanged for his crimes. Things seem pretty dire for the rebels.

아미 is not going to let the rebellion end like this, so she sneaks into some off the hook party being held on the site where 불가사리 was trapped. Plying some guards with alcohol, she goes onto the rock pile and slashes her arm. When her blood hits the rocks, 불가사리 is released from his rocky prison for more ass kicking action.

The general builds some cannons to end things once and for all. The cannons really rock the peasant army, but have little effect of 불가사리. The shots that get in his mouth just seem to piss him off more. 불가사리 then partakes in some more Korean palace clobbering time, and during this rampage, the king gets stepped on.

Godzilla style wreckage.

The rebels have won, but things are not right in the world. 불가사리 still needs to eat. There is a shot of towns people loading up a cart of iron goods (very similar to the beginning of the film) in order to feed the monster. 아미 realizes that unless something is done, 불가사리 will lead to more suffering and war.

아미 summons 불가사리 to a remote mountain area by ringing a temple bell, a bell she then hides in. 불가사리 then proceeds to eat the bell, and in the process eats 아미. He the (for some reason that was lost on me) turns to stone and explodes. A tiny 불가사리 is shown turning into a ball of blue light and flying into the corpse of 아미…the end!

The end.

The movie was kind of all over the place. For starters it was kind of odd that a North Korean film had the government portrayed as the enemies. I know in “real” communism this would fly, but the perverted form of communism the North Koreans have is all about respecting their leaders. The other thing was what exactly 불가사리 was supposed to represent. First he was good and then he was an unstoppable fury that needed to be destroyed, but when destroyed he came back to life…or did he? I’m not really sure.

Anyhow if you are a fan of giant monster movies, or Korean cinema check out 불가사리 for sheer kitsch value alone.

“A Friendly Game of Beer Pong”

Earlier in the week I had been in contact with my friend Ryan. Ryan and I had worked together several summers back and later he was a T.A. in some classes I took. We used to get together for random alcohol based adventures back while I was living in America. These adventures were awesome and included such hits as “Wyatt falling asleep on the hood of a car in a snow storm,” “Puking In Front Of The Cohoes Mastadon,” and “A Cheap Trick Concert That Never Went Down.” Needless to say, Ryan was excited about the prospect of my return to the US of A, and planned an evening of beer pong and other random drinking at his pad to commemorate my arrival.

Ryan and I met up around 8:30, got some pizza and wings and watched Team America World Police: Unrated Version while awaiting the arrival of other people so we could get the game underway. First off Team America World Police is an insane movie. Ryan was all about the theme song from it, which basically bellows, “America…FUCK YEAH!” a lot and decided that he needed to use it as his theme music on the first day of class (he’s an American history professor at a couple local colleges). I was all about the fact that the Korean spoken went back and forth between stereotypical, “Ping pong ching chong,” bullshit, to actual Korean (야 새끼야…너 죽어라!” with no rhyme or reason.

Anyhow I digress. Around 10:30 Ryan’s lady friend and one of her friends arrived, and after a couple drinks it was time for some beer pong. These girls used some really odd rules I’d never heard of in my life.

At one point during the match, “Danger Zone,” from the Top Gun Soundtrack started to play, so I powered up Tom Cruise style (jumping on a couch, pounding my fist on the floor, and bellowing about my love for Katie Holmes). Thanks to the powers of Tom Cruise’s insanity (and the fact that I’m not on Ritalin…though I probably should be) we were able to beat the ladies hands down, but then they said there was some kind of extra innings rule where if they both got ping pong balls into the same cup that they won. They did get them both in the same cup, and for some reason the same extra innings b.s. didn’t apply to us. Whatever it was some decent crap. And in my heart of hearts I know that we won.

Following that there was a dart game and then some of Ryan’s relatives who were in town for some sort of wedding stopped in. They had some pizza and drinks and then took off. At that point we called it a night. I got to sleep on some half deflated air mattress and listen to Ryan and his girlfriend have an extremely mumbley conversation.

(LOW VOICE): MREMEMEMMMEME?
(HIGHER VOICE): mmemremremm.
(LOW VOICE): OK. MMEMEMMSME. MEMREKKMS?
(HIGHER VOICE): emmmemr.

The next morning…or later in that morning, I got dropped off at my house, ready for more nonsense.

몽정기 2 (Wet Dreams 2)

Some time in the past few years, Korean film makers became obsessed with the gross-out comedy. I’ve recently reviewed the film 색즉시공, and now this…

몽정기2 is the story of three high school girls, their “hot” teacher, and their classmates. The film has a very half-assed feel to it. The first half of the film is a raunchy sex comedy in which two high school students (one a believable Korean high school girl, the other a busty future stripper of Korea [she is playing a teen model in the film and spends most of the film prancing around in skimpy clothes]) competing to win affection from their student teacher, a man cursed with flatuance any time he pops a boner.

The one girl has never had never had sex before and in order to prepare for getting it on with her teacher becomes obsessed with masturbating. At one point while she is putting a condom on a cucumber her father enters her room. She quickly removes the condom and puts it in her mouth while her dad chows down on the now spermicide coated cucumber.

She’s not the only one, all the girls in the first half this movie are obsessed with sex. It’s nice that a movie is finally honest about this fact. Sure there are plenty of comedies in which high school boys are on epic quests to get laid. Finally a movie that says, “Yeah, girls are just as horny.” But aside this all changes in the second half.

The second half of the movie seems like an entirely different flick. It’s far too dramatic, and the girls go from being obsessed with sex, to being obsessed with romance. And the end of the movie pulls some completely random resolution out of it’s ass. There’s a big dance off, and the main character elects to dance with some random high school boy instead of her teacher (in spite of the fact that she had made out with the teacher previously).

I think the thing I liked least about the movie was how it totally ignored so parts of plot in the conclusion. At one point the three girls consulte a classmate known as Brainy Smurf, about sex. After the meeting she confesses her love for the character played by 빈, and kisses her. The “Brainy Smurf” girl, and the kiss are never mentioned again…much to my dismay. I was waiting for 빈 to get her tango on with Brainy Smurf in the final dance battle, but instead she danced with some random guy, who to my knowledge, had not been in the movie prior to that scene.

Anyhow I can’t really recomend the flick. There were a couple funny spots, plus the girl playing a model was super stacked, but aside from that the movie wasn’t that good. A lot of it seemed rushed, and the small amount of plot there was jumped around more than Frogger on speed. But if you have a thing for Asian girls in school uniforms talking about sex and how they want to fuck their teachers this film is for you.

색즉시공 (Sex is Zero)

Porky’s, American Pie, Road Trip, Freddy Got Fingered…America has a fairly long tradition of teenage, gross out, sex comedies. While Korea may not have quite the same legacy, with films like 색즉시공 they are on their way.

The film is your pretty standard “college loser guy (played by 임창정) falls for the popular girl who is dating the campus stud (and by default the biggest asshole in the film) and has raunchy adventures in an effort to win her heart” fair. Since this is Korea not only is the guy a geek, but he’s much older (due to mandatory military service) than the other characters in the film.

So what are some of the comedic high points of the film?

● Dude eats a mouse ala Tom Green in Road Trip (unlike Tom Green, this happens off camera and is only implied).

● Dude eats a sandwich consisting of rat poison and fried jizz. I guess the guy who jerked off into a frying pan should get honorable mention as well.

● Girl pukes after drinking too much. This was allegedly a legit vomiting, and after doing so she proceeds to make out with a guy.

● Guy gets caught with his pants down watching internet porn.

● Guy attempting to squirt ketchup on some pizza (which is gross enough in its own right) gets the last of the ketchup on a poster of the crotch of a lingere clad model, and then proceeds to lick the ketchup off the crotch. Of course he gets caught by a lady.

● Presence of inflatable lovedoll.

● While a girl is engaging in sex with a quasi-gay character (or at least a virgin) who doesn’t know what he’s doing and going very slowly. The girl encourages him to ram it in, which he does, only in the wrong (in her opinion) hole. In the next scene she walks slowly, gripping her ass.

But this is Korea, so aside for the raunchiness and sleaze, we need some drama. This comes from an unwanted pregnancy and the decission of the girl to have an abortion. This part of the movie kind of detractions from the overall rhythm of the film and feels forced.

The first hour or so is sex joke after sex joke, guys getting hit in the nuts, spit takes, and faggy dudes screaming about mice and then suddenly it’s an afterschool special…and a aerobic dance competition. Then in the last five minutes things are wrapped up in a manner that was fairly obvious from the outset of the film.

The film is pretty fun, and a nice change from the historical dramas I’ve been watching lately, but like I said before, the overly dramatic middle segment felt really forced. Korean film makers, save the dramatic parts for the dramas and keep the rawkus sex romps pure and um…sleazy!

Korea’s First Amendment

As of late I’ve been watching a lot of films: comedies, dramas, action adventures, historical epics…I’ll watch anything. The film last night, 대한민국 헌법 제1조 (Korea’s First Amendment) was your typical underdog overcomming adversity story in the style of The Bad New Bears, Rudy, Cool Runnings, or The Big Green. Unlike those films this film was not about underdogs playing sports, but about prostitutes running for Congress, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The film starts with a Congressman engaging in some extra-curricular activities with a hooker with a tattoo of a crab on her ass. This proves to be too much for the old man who ends up dying as a result of the sex.

The film then cuts to a brothel and we are introduced to most of the principal characters: the brothel’s manager, his assistant who wants to be an oldschool bitch slappin’ pimp, 앵두 (Cherry) a rookie hooker with some seriously nice cans, Kimera the old ‘ho, a hooker that wants to be a reporter, a good girl who’s name I forget, and 고은비 (Go Eun-bi) a firey woman that doesn’t know what she wants with her life. Additionally early on in the film, a ballbusting female cop and her cohorts raid the brothel, primarially to start crap with 은비, but this cop comes back later.

One day the good girl hooker is on her way back from chruch where she was volunteering at the Korean version of a soup kitchen, when she is brutally raped and left for dead. She is hospitalized, and 은비 demands justice. The police are unwilling to do anything because the girl was a prostitute and money was left at the scene. So after headbutting the ballbusting cop, and being bailed out of jail, 은비 decides to run for Congress in an effort to make things better for the prostitutes.

Along the way she somehow becomes a spokeswoman for the voiceless, and gets support for oldfolks in the oldfolks home, mothers with handicap kids, internet geeks, and prostitutes. Like all good underdog stories we are treated to some devestating plot developments right before the conclusion. In this film the hookers appeared in a news story, which their families saw and lead to beatings, and depression. But like all Bad News Bears-esque movies, things turn around in the movie and the hookers win the big game.

This movie was odd for several reasons, the first and most obvious was the fact that at its heart it was a light hearted comedy, yet it included a fairly brutal rape scene. This particular scene revealed something about the Korean film industry. While showing cocks is a no-no, a realistic dildo is allowed.

There were a lot of really funny parts in the film, but since it was about a political campaign in Korea (something I have very little knowledge of) there were probably jokes that went over my head. Anyhow if you can deal with some nice looking nude Korean ladies, a pretty intense rape, and want to see a fairly rediculous comedy movie check out 대한민국 헌법 제1조.

Delicious Sex And Then Love

Last night I saw a truly excellent film entitled, “맛있는 섹스 그리고 사랑 (Delicious Sex And The Love).” I know what you are all thinking, “What are you doing reviewing porn now?” Well, this film is apparently a legitimate film, so here we go.

The plot of the movie is fairly simply: boy meets girl, boy humps girl, boy humps girl again, and again, and again, and…well you get the idea. For all the sex that occurs in the film, it’s not like the sex that appears in your average porn film. For starters, the viewers are not subjected to nonstop shots of cocks. Additionally the cinematography of the film is much better than “shot on video” look of a lot of porn (not that I’ve seen a lot of porn…honest!)

The actors in the film are also a lot more proficent in their craft than someone like Shannon Tweed, for example. Both 김서형 (Kim Seo-hyeong) and 김성수 (Kim Seong-su) are fairly well known actors inside Korea, each having appeared in some popular Korean dramas. Both actors play their characters in a believable manner (unlike the bulk of Korean dramas). Neither character is over the top, or overwrought with emotions. Compared to a lot of other Korean films, there was a refreshing level of realism brought to the film by these actors.

But as any middle school boy can tell you, no one watches a movie on cable with “sex” in the title for realistic characters, or beautiful cinematography…you watch it due to the promise of sex. So how was the sex? It was abundant!

A lot of films will have risque titles and then not deliver the goods. This was not one of those films. The first instance of sex occurs within the first five minutes of the movie, and the sex scenes themselves are pretty hot. My personal favorite is a “round two” sex session that occurs early in the film. After finishing up in the bedroom, the film cuts to a shot of the woman drinking some milk in out of the fridge in her panties. The guy comes into the kitchen and they go at it with the woman leaning in the open refridgerator (note to self: clean the fridge before attempting something like this myself). These scenes also do not suffer due to the fact that 김서형 is hot.

The sexiness that is Kim Seo-hyeong.

There was one odd part of this film and that was the presence of digital mosaic. Like their more baudy neighbors to the east, the Koreans have a problem with genitalia appearing on film, and use digital mosaic to cover this up. Unlike their neighbors, films made in Korea are usually shot in such a way as to not need to use this digital mosaic technology. So you get a lot of low quality Cinemax style porn that shows the torso of some shirtless Korean dude and then cuts to a woman’s “sex face.” This film was shot in a more western style: panties removed…digital mosaic.

Anyhow, like I said the film is pretty decent, and if you are not easily offended (or are a fan of the Korean drama “Full House” and want to see 김성수’s ass) check it out!

Billy Murry, The Chick From Ghost World, The Dude Who Played Pheobe’s Half-Brother On Friends, and Random Japanese Tits…What’s Not To Like?

I finally got around to checking out Lost In Translation today (God do I feel like Jackie Harvey, The Onion’s Hollywood outsider). Man what an outstanding film that was! It had everything one could want in a film: outstanding humor, beautiful cinematography, and Japanese tits…it doesn’t get any better than that!

As a foreigner residing in Asia there were a lot of scenes that spoke to me. The scene where Bob (Bill Murray) is recieving directions from a film director via a translator reminded me a lot of when I first came to Korea. The director would speak for like five minutes and the translator was like, “He said look at the camera.” It was a lot like staff meetings at my first place of employment. The owner would speak for like five minutes and then our supervisor would be like, “He said, ‘Good job.’”

The other thing that really stuck with me was the a brief segment in which the main characters were out on the town and Bill Murray’s character ends up chatting it up with some random Japanese dude at a bar. Anyone who has lived in a foreign country for any period of time will know that experience and know that kind of local who will strike up drunken conversation with foreigners at bars.

There were some things that did not apply to me. Mainly the fact that I have enough of a command of Korean to carry on most conversations (and definately to order dinner without resorting to pointing to a menu). Additionally I did not feel any of the loneliness or desparation the characters in this movie felt due to being in a foreign land, but perhaps this comes from the fact that I can communicate with locals. I’ve met foreingers who can’t speak Korean and end up being miserable here.

One other thing I noticed was the shots of Tokyo really made Seoul seem like a tiny, slum like city. Even if all they stuff shown in this movie was shot in the nicest parts of Tokyo, I’ve been to the nicest, most extravagent parts of Seoul and the stuff I saw in this flick beat Seoul down like Hulk Hogan beating down Andre The Giant.

※ Editor’s Note: The Korean title of this flick is 사랑도 통역이 되나요? which works out to be something along the lines of “Can ‘Love’ Be Translated As Well?” This is kind of ironic in that this title kind of lost something in the translation.

武士

The cover of the box to the film 武士 uses the word “spectacle” in describing this film and relates the huge sum of money and time this film cost to make. And this time and investment shows. The film is…well, a spectacle. For today’s review we have additional commentary from my sister in America.

The film tells the story of a group of Korean warriors stationed on the Sino-Korean border during the Koryeo dynasty (I think the film said it was 1347). The film starts off with a group of Koreans being left to die and subsequently getting attacked by Chinese bandits in a desert. The Koreans end up in some Arabian looking peoples camp (the dudes all looked like Princess Jasmine’s dad from Aladdin).

Anyhow, I watched this film without subtitles, and for some reason I was unable to comprehend the Koreans end up defending a Chinese princess in the deserts from the same desert bandits that got their beat down and sex on with a Chinese princess in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (note to self: If I come back as a Chinese princess in antiquity stay the shit out of the Gobi Desert).

Anyhow these Koreans keep adding Chinese civilians to their posse as the traverse the lush landscapes and battle Chinese villains. The posse of Korean heroes breaks down like this: guy in red with big Final Fantasy VII style sword (player one), guy in black with big Final Fantasy style sword (player two), guy with an axe, old guy with a bow, dude with long hair and a spear thing, Buddhist monk, and my personal favorite, guy with a harpoon and rope. Let’s look at my conversation with my sister (who is more knowledgeable about Korean flicks than me)

Me: you know “Please teach me English” right?
My Sister: yup…i own it
Me: could you believe that one guy (the pizza delivery guy who marries the teacher in the end) as a warrior from the Koreyo era who has harpoons and ropes as weapons?
My Sister: hahahah no!
Me: Me either. Everytime he comes on screen I want to be like “사랑해유!” (cuz he spoke in a dialect in that movie where words end with 유 as opposed to 요”)
My Sister: yeah i thought he sounded weird

Anyhow after several desert battles and a battle in a forest in which the red big sword hero is wounded. The Koreans and their Chinese entourage make their way into an old fortress in the middle of nowhere.

Me: this movie is a lot like willow. The Koreans (with a Chinese princess) just got an abandoned fort and now the Chinese are trying to get her back. I’m waiting for someone to turn into a big ass dragon.
My Sister: that would be hella sweet
Me: yeah but instead i just got some decapitations

That’s right, decapitations! I have come to understand that the Korean film industry is awfully fond of dismemberment. Maybe I just need to stop watching action / adventure / horror movies. Anyhow shortly after the Korean warriors arrive at the fortress they are attacked.

Me: This can’t be the final showdown…but it seems like such a final showdown
My Sister: haha the concept of “the final showdown.” It’s just so ridiculous…and awesome
Me: oh shit a guy just had a “bomb.” It’s like a cartoon bomb (aka black ball with a fuse)
My Sister: hahah for real? That’s the most boss thing ever!
Me: yeah! This movie is nuts. I wish I could understand the plot better.

My prediction of the final showdown was a tad premature, and ended with the heroes getting a little bit ravaged (the axe hero lost an eye and started wearing an eye patch), and then had infighting because the spear hero was show boating.

The real final showdown occurs and well, I don’t want to give away the ending, but it’s a pretty typical ending to a Korean action movie. The movie was pretty decent, and the fights were top notch. There was a lot in the fight scenes that reminded me of Braveheart, but more intense. During this film I realized that I can understand Korean subtitles quite well (there was a lot of Chinese dialogue with Korean subtitles). Often I could understand these subtitles better than some of the spoken (Korean) dialogue. Anyhow if you want to see an awesome historical action flick check out 武士!

Note: For those of you unfamiliar with Chinese characters the title 武士 (무사 in 한글) means “warrior” or “knight.”

“Bitter Sweet Life”

Last night I saw, 달콤한 인생, which is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. The premiss of the movie is a pretty standard revenge story, but the execution of it…awesome!

The movie’s main character starts off as a guy working for the Korean mob. His boss sends him off to keep tabs on a girl he’s dating. So the hero followers her around, beats up some non-gangster guy she’s seeing, takes her to cello practice (I’m not sure why the cello is the instrument of choice for so many Korean women in movies and TV shows), and basically falls in love with her.

Somehow the news of his love gets back to the boss who ain’t having none of it. The hero gets beat up my some Vietnamese guys with cudgels and taken to a warehouse where he’s going to get disemboweled. Some phonecall saves him and it’s different gangsters who break his hand with a pipe wrench, and then bury him alive.

The hero somehow digs his way out, but the gangsters are waiting there. They then hang out in a (different) warehouse. The gangsters mini-boss gives the hero some old cellphone and tells him that someone will call at a certain time. Mad gangsters are hanging around hobo fire barrels. The hero has a plan…a friggin’ awesome plan to escape.

He pretends to talk on the phone, the mini-boss comes over, and the hero totally slashes him in the face with the cellphone’s battery. From there it’s go time! The hero beats down gangsters with flaming pieces of lumber and crazy taekwondo skills (or is that skillz). At some point new gangster arrives in a car. The hero nabs said car, but it has gangsters all over it. So he does some awesome Grand Theft Auto style driving: slamming into crates, scrapping against walls, doing donuts, until he finally makes his escape by slamming through a brick wall.

After his escape, the hero scores some guns. While in an American movie this would have just been a trip to Walmart, here it involved a visit to Russian mobsters and a shoot out.

Once the hero is armed he heads off on as a one man wrecking crew, taking out all the assholes involved in his abduction and beating. The hero guns down mad fools in the bloodbath that is the last third of the movie. Unfortunately the brother of the Russian mobsters finds out that his brother (and associates) are corpsed up, and heads out with some guns of his one for his own revenge.

This would have to be one of the most out of control, bizarre movies I’ve seen in quite sometime. Inspite of his violent nature and short temper, the hero is immensely likeable. In one while he’s driving some guys in a tricked out car drive like assholes around him, and eventually throw a cigerrette at his car. Dude floors it, cuts off the assholes and puts his car in park. He beats down the crappy drivers (who deserved it for having a car with neon lights on the bottom), then took the keys out of their car in throws them in a river.

The movie was everything a guy could possibly want in a movie: plot driven violence, and while there was a love story of sorts, it was not the over wrought sappy kind of love story. In all I’d give this movie nine thumbs up.

※ Quick Korean Notes: 달콤한 인생 literally means “sweet life,” yet the movie itself gave the English title as “Bittersweet Life” so that’s what I’ll use. “Bittersweet” is 씁쓸하면서 달콤한 (and probably like seven other words or phrases, but that’s the one I know).

Attack The Gas Station!

Last night I saw what would have to be one of the most awesome movies ever, Attack the Gas Station! As I watched it last night, I wrote an outstanding review / summary of the movie, the only thing is I was drinking soju as I wrote the review, and there were no subtitles, so as the movie progressed, I became more intoxicated and less able to understand the actual dialogue. I have not edited anything I wrote in the original review (all drunken typos and errors remain). One more thing,

SPOILER WARNING

Anyhow without further ado here’s my drunken review of 주유소습격사건!

Ok how can I adequately describe this movie? Well, it starts off with four guys trashing a gas station. The movie then jumps ahead a week in time and the same guys trash the same station again. This all goes down within the first five minutes of the film.

The second time around the four guys take over the gas station, holding the employees hostage as they run roughshod over the station. At first the guys have some pointless mischief (ie. Filling up a guy’s guess tank when he only wanted 20,000 won worth of gas and then making him pay the full price).

Four guys:

Guy with no shirt and a big stick. Makes people stand like they are going to do push ups, but put their forehead on the floor and put their hands behind their back

Leader guy. Throws crap

Guy with long hair.

Guy with bleached hair. Spray paints junk.

Brawl some local hoods inside a car wash…take same hoods hostage.

After taking the hoods hostage they are hungry, and call a Chinese restaurant and order everything on the menu. Some cops show up to use the can. The cops find a car with the tail light smashed (earlier chaos the guys pulled…there was a lady in the trunk as well).

The cops hassle one of the guys for drinking pepsi, and accuse him of being a “foreign bastard,” but the guy insists Pepsi is a local drink since the Pepsi logo is the same as the Korean flag, before departing after some speeding car.

Apparently one of the local bike thugs escaped and tells the other bikers about the fucking bastards who got their buddies.

Back at the gas station, the guy with no shirt has a battle between the gas station employees and the thugs, but gets pissed off when the thugs are using profanity. The wussy gas station employee ends up giving the thug and bloody nose and then knocking him out. The employee thinks he’s all badass now.

Back at the pumps some 아저씨 gives the guys a credit card, but he doesn’t know how to use work it, and ends up getting short changed. To make matters worse, the tape player eats his tape.

Some food arrives and we are treated to a flashback of the bleached guys childhood. Apparently he’s an artist, but his dad through his work was shit, and or a waste of time and smashed paintings over bleached guy’s head.

Back at the pumps the owner tries to tell the delivery guy to get help. He drives off. Bikers show up and get their asses kicked by the guys as classical music plays. Someone gets fish hooked and someone catches a plate full of 짜장면 in the face. The owner tries to escape, but the leader of the guys catches him on a scooter.

Back at the station the new bikers join the hostages…it’s like some goddamned pokemon. The bad ass employee gets too big for his britches, until the guy with a stick puts him in his place.

Back in the owners office, he discovers takes a phone out of some drawer. All the other phones have been smashed earlier, but the guys are having him repair one. He goes to call someone, but the new phone is smashed as well.

Around this time a Korean baseball player shows up (for the Unicorns no less). We are treated to a flashback of the leader being told he’s no good by some minor league coach.
Ballplayer gives guy a signed ball.

Back at the station the cops return from chasing the speeding car…they didn’t catch him but need to refill. The guys get into it a bit with the cops for not paying for gas. So the leader goes after them on a scooter to collect the cash. He ends up laying down in the street under the police car.

Chinese delivery guy comes back with more food, but the guys have no cash so he phones in some backup.

Hold on a second…I’m a little drunk and suddenly the biker guys are doing an impromptu rap/tribal chant (and banging on an empty water cooler jug) for the guys while they eat Koreanized Chinese food.

The guys then verse the biker thugs in some Korean game that involves jumping on backs and doing rock scissor paper. There’s then a training montage that involves, biker guys dance and doing STOMP-esque music, one dude painting crap, and the leader training for a baseball comeback.

Some producer sees the bikers and gives them a card. Flashback to longhair’s past. Some kind of band which reminds me of the band the guy had in one of the first seasons of the Real World…it’s all leather vests, and head bands. Some unseen entity beats the crap out of the dead and that ends his music career.

Some rich fuckin’ bitch with a gas tank in the front comes to the station, and is pretty much a bitch. Talking on the phone and pretty much being a bitch. I hope she gets put in a trunk or…well she’s a hostage now too. Guy with big stick seems to like her.

The owner fixes the phone, but the leader smashes it…he has the rich bitch’s cellphone. Some dude calls and calls the leader a bitch.

Cuts to some gangster guys smashing up a 포장마차.

We then see a flashback of the cut scene in which he is made to do that push up with his face thing buy a high school teacher. He then sends everyone out of the room save for the rich bitch.

A car stops at the gas station. It’s the rich bitch’s boyfriend. Upstairs the guy with a stick is playing a game with the girl in which they have to say a word and then the next person says a word starting with the last syllable (ie. PERSON 1: be-come PERSON 2: mumblebee). Guy with big stick is really good at it and apparently they were playing the strip version of the game. He has the girl down to her pants and is about to get her to take her bra off when the boyfriend is brought up into the room.

They send the guy and girl away in some motorcycle. The speeding car drives by again, and causes the motorcycle to crash into a ditch. The leader chucks a baseball through the window of the speeding car causing all kinds of car crashing into watermelon nonsense.

One of the employees gets sent away because he has to give someone medicine, and suddenly some Korean gangster is at the gas station. I’ve seen enough Korean movies to know a Korean gangster when I see one, and this is one.

HOLY SHIT I WAS TOTALLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONE MINUTE AND SUDDENLY THERE ARE A TON OF MOTORCYCLES POPPIN’ WHEELIES AND JUMPIN’ OVER CRAP EVIL KENEVIL STYLE!

I guess the Chinese delivery guy has some biker gang back up… He looks pissed off. Oh SHIT! HELLA KOREAN GANGSTERS ARRIVE AS WELL! Delivery guys and gangsters start yelling shit at each other where every other word is “새끼야!”

GANGSTER vs. DELIVERY BOY BATTLE!!!
Best part of this fight some delivery guys are using the metal delivery box as a weapon (those in Korea who have ordered food will know exactly what I speak of). During this melee the girl gas station employee escapes on a scooter.

Some cops show up! One gangster shoots off a gun. The heroes of the story start getting beat down, but then the leader sprays everyone down with gas, and holds up a lighter. He forces everyone down. The owner rushes out. The cops from earlier in the movie come back, guns drawn (for those not in Korea, cop guns here are wack in that they are attacked to the cop’s belt with a telephone looking wire…so crooks can’t loot said gun).

The female employee is back with the leader’s wallet. The guy with a big stick, at the suggestion of the previously whimpy employee makes everyone get down in that pushup position. Everyone gets in the rich bitch’s sports car and drive off. All the gangsters and delivery guys whip out lighters.

The heroes drive off into the sunset…er sunrise. End credits the painter paints some painting and then throws red paint on it. The rocker had a new band that rocks out hard. The guy with a big stick is a security guard or cop or possibly a taxi driver since all of them wear similar uniforms. Leader is a baseball player again…or trying out. He knocks out the ref. The End.

Apparently the moral of the story was follow your dream and drink Pepsi and trash gas stations when you are bored. In all I’ll give this fine film 7 thumbs up.

I hope you enjoyed this drunken review / summary of Attack the Gas Station.

Last night one of the networks here played Return of the Jedi, which as a child was probably my favorite movie. I’ve seen that movie hundreds of thousands of times in my life, so I was surprised when U-rim asked (completely seriously), “What is this?” I was shocked. She had never seen Return of the Jedi…or any of the Star Wars movies for that matter. She didn’t know what the Millenium Falcon was, or who Darth Vader was, or who Billy Dee Williams was. I was always under the impression that even those who didn’t like Star Wars had a knowledge of it, but he she was, a living breathing Star Wars virgin…so we busted that cherry!

Watching Return of the Jedi with someone who had never seen it was pretty odd. She was surprised when Luke crushed the Ranccor with a door by throwing a skull. When the ghost of Obi-wan Kenobi told Luke that he had a sister, she gasped. And when she saw Admiral Akbar the first time she was repulsed (which is ironic since here in Korea, real Admiral Akbar types are avalible for purchase and consumption at most restaraunts and supermarkets).

Speaking of Admiral Akbar brings me to the second thing that made this the wackiest viewing of Return of the Jedi I’ve partaken in. The entire movie was dubbed (as opposed to making use of subtitles). That’s right kids…Korean speaking Han Solo. Some of the voices were a little bit off. To begin with, Admiral Akbar in the original (English language version) sounds like a sea ceature would sound, or at least like a guy with a bunch of marble in his mouth would sound. The Korean Admiral Akbar, sounded like my landlord…just a regular middle aged Korean guy voice. C3-PO on the other hand went from sounding like a gay British thespian to a 1950’s robot…again speaking Korean. “저는 로보트임니다!” But the most disappointing of the voices was Billy Dee Williams Lando. Lando went from being an intergalatic pimp, to sounding like the guy I buy fruit and vegetables from in my neighborhood. That guy couldn’t convince me to drink Colt 45, and neither could the Korean version of Lando.

“맛있는 맥주야! 많이 마시세요!”

Sorry Lando…I for one am not buying!

Back in the States, my DVD collection included GI Joe: The Movie, Robotech, and some Godzilla movies. I saw nothing wrong with still enjoying crap from my childhood, so when I came here, I was curious what kind of crap Koreans my age grew up with. Aside from a few comments from my girlfriend (”All children love ALF,” “Oh…the SMURF!”) I had no idea what Koreans my age grew up with….that was until I picked up three craptacular giant robot DVDs in a subway station for 10,000원 (less than $10US).
So it’s the lunar new year vacation n