This JoongAng Daily human interest piece gives up a look into the over the top zany comedy stylings of one North Korean tour guide, a Mr. Jang. I think he might even be funnier than Carrot Top, which isn’t really saying much. Take it away JoongAng Daily!
Jovial guide, new face of ‘the North’
October 17, 2005 ㅡ According to South Korean tourists who recently visited Pyongyang for the annual Arirang Festival, Jang Chol-gun, a 31-year-old tour guide, has become almost as famous as the tour itself.
Mr. Jang’s funny comments and comical expressions have won him quite a reputation.
Give Mr. Jang a camera and rather than say “cheese!” or “kimchi!” he will say “Ban-mi!” which means “Anti-U.S.!” This is trendy among youngsters in Pyongyang these days, he explained in a joking manner.
If a tourist mentions something about “North Korea,” he protests, saying they should just say “the North,” which sounds more friendly.
Passing around milk candies, he said, “These candies are made from cow’s milk, but the pronunciation is very similar to a woman’s breast, so you must be very careful when speaking in front of a woman.”
Compared to the stiff tour guides of the past, Mr. Jang perhaps represents a new generation. Born in Pyongyang, Mr. Jang studied computer engineering in college. After serving in the military he worked at the Pyongyang city government office before suddenly being recruited as a tour guide for South Korean tourists, whose numbers increased unexpectedly. Until this year, South Koreans were barred from attending the Arirang Festival, a mass gymnastics and dance spectacle.
Mr. Jang, however, is not a privileged Pyongyang “brat.” If the subject of the northern leader Kim Jong-il is brought up, he suddenly becomes serious, and if tourists are caught taking pictures in places where they aren’t supposed to, he makes sure those photos are deleted.
He confided that he received 3,000 won ($20) a month and had an unsuccessful love live. He once had a girlfriend, but they broke up because her parents disapproved. He had many unsuccessful arranged dates since then.
Seeing tourists off at the airport, the eccentric yet good-natured tour-guide invited them to come back. “In ten years, I’ll be able to give Pyongyang tours in my own car,” he said.
Typo (JoongAng Daily reporter that should be “an unsuccessful love life” not “love live”), and unsuccessful love life aside Mr. Jang does seem to be quite the riotous fellow. I mean “Ban-mi*?!” I was drinking some coffee when I first read that and it shot out of my nose when I got to that passage. To make matters worse I nearly pissed my slacks while in the throws of side splitting laughter that followed my discover that in North Korea they bellow, “Ban-mi!” while taking pictures.
Oh wait, that’s not really that funny is it? As an American I should probably be offended shouldn’t I? Ah what the hell…next time I get my picture taken I’m yelling “Ban-mi!”
* Ban-mi would be written in 한글 as 반미 or in 漢字 as 反美 in the strange event that anyone (asides from me) cares about such things.
불가사리 (Pulgasari)
Occassionally there is a movie, album, television show, book, or other piece of artwork produced where the story behind the creation of the item is far more interesting than the actual work itself. This is the case with 불가사리. The story goes a little something like this…
North Korean ruler 김정일 (Kim Jong-Il) is something of a movie fanatic. Back in the days when his pops was still running the show, Kim Jong-Il was the head of the state run movie house (among other things). The story goes something like this, in the late 1970s Kim Jong-Il had South Korean director, 신상옥 (Shin Sang-Ok), and his actress wife, Choi Eun-hee, kidnapped and brought to the North to jumpstart the North Korean film industry.
After making several films, Shin began work on 불가사리, a giant monster movie in the same vain as Godzilla in the early 1980s. Shin was given use of the North Korean army, and the people at Toho Studios in Japan were responsible for the monster. Kim Jung-Il envisioned plastic 불가사리 toys being sold the world over, but things were not to be.
While in Vienna, Shin and his wife were able to escape from their North Korean keepers and after a taxi chase, fled to the American embassy. For ten years, 불가사리 remained unreleased, in the world at least…who knows what happens north of the 38th parallel. It was released in Japan where it did decently, and later released in South Korea, where it was met with little fanfare.
So what of the actual film? To be totally honest, it’s not anywhere near as interesting as the backstory behind this film. But with a back story like that, and my love of horrible movies, this was a film I’ve been wanting to check out for quite sometime…and I finally have.
After the ending credits (shown at the begining) we get right into the action…kind of. The movie is set sometime during the 고려 period (I’m guessing here), and as the film begins in a small village where we see a woman named, 아미 (Ami) bringing water to some sort of iron workers.
Among the iron workers is an old man (아미’s father) that, due to honorifics in the Korean language, I only knew as 아버지 (”Father”), and a swarthy, headband equipped lad known as 인댁 (Indaek), who I’m pretty sure was getting some from 아미. Early in the film it is revealed that 인댁 is the leader of a resistance movement.
Final a North Korean woman the gives some clout to the 남남북녀 (南男北女) concept…though this movie was made 20 years ago so more likely than not she’s an ajumma now…or dead.
Indek rockin’ it 80’s style. I can’t really mock this Loverboy headband / mullet combo since this movie was made in the 80’s at the height of Loverboy headbands and mullets.
Very early in the film we see why 인댁 would join a group opposed to the government…the government in this film consists of a bunch of assholes. Within the first ten minutes of the film they stroll into town demending all iron in town be handed over in the name of national defense.
“Father” explains that a creature named 불가사리 (Pulgasari) had eaten all of the iron (in reality 인댁 and his posse were hiding it under some straw). The jerkass government officals weren’t buying it.
“We need your iron fool!”
A huge fight breaks out in which 인댁, “Father”, and the other iron workers / rebels are taken into custody. For his outlandish tale, “Father” gets beat down.
Random violence on an old man.
While in prison the guards refuse to give any food to “Father,” while handing over bowls of chow to 인댁 and his homeboys. Since 인댁 is such a filial lad, he refuses to eat unless the old man gets food too, which he does not.
Meanwhile 아미 and her brother, 아나 (Ana…that’s Ah-na not Anna) arrive at the prison with some food for their father, but are manhandled by the guards and ultimately turned away.
“DAD!!!!”
Somehow they are able to throw chunks of rice into their father’s jail cell, but he does not chow down on it. Nope, instead he decides to use the rice to do some sort of arts and crafts project with it. That’s right instead of eating, he uses the rice (and dirt) to craft a crazy looking doll. After a monologue directed to the gods the old man dies.
As the corpse of the old man is being taken out of the prison, 아미 discovers the doll and takes it. Nothing like a rice doll to ease the pain of a dead father. Back home 아미 is engaged in some mending. While sewing she pricks her finger with a needle. The blood from her finger drips onto the doll, who like Frosty the Snowman springs to life. Unlike Frosty, he promptly begins chowing down on sewing needles.
“Ouch…my finger!”
The “blood” from her finger hit the doll her father created…
and it sprang to life, a lot like Frosty the Snowman!
아미 and 아나 think nothing of this and are enamoured with the tiny bizarre creature, which they think is rediculously cute. During the night, 불가사리 escapes the house by chewing through the lock. Outside, the beast continues to chow down on metal, growing in the process.
As the pair stand there admiring the awesomeness that is mini 불가사리, the government officals return to put 인댁 to death by beheading.
인댁’s gonna catch it when Mom gets home. Off with his head!
불가사리 returns to the scene and eats a sword before they can slay 인댁. He then eats shackles…and a face.
PUPPET ATTACK!!!
The governor hears of these antics and is very amused. He then send troops to go investigate. They discover 불가사리, now roughly midget sized, chowing down on a weapons stronghold. The soldiers are unable to do anything against this unstoppable beast. 불가사리 flees of into the woods with some tools and is not seen from again.
At some point after this, the government officals capture an old woman known throughout the film as “Mother.” She is beaten, as is a small child. This does not sit well with 인댁 and his homeboys, so they head over to the prison to break some people out. When they discover “Mother” is dead things turn into a battle. During this battle, 인댁 slays the governor.
A king.
A king is not pleased with this turn of events and wants the rebels crushed. A general with a super low voice (you can tell he’s evil by this fact alone) offers his services to the king.
Evil general enemy with super low voice.
From here we are treated to a battle scene in which the peasant army partakes in some Ewok-esque tactics. A lot of boulders and logs are pushed down hills into oncoming soldiers. The battle scenes in the movie are fairly well done, if one is willing to overlook the obvious styrofoam boulders and logs, and the cheesey toy sword sound effect noise.
Styrofoam boulder assault.
After the battle we get to see how bad the peasants have it. While the king and his men are living the highlife, the peasants are shown eating horses, grass, and bark (not to much of a stretch from what is happening there now).
Eating horse.
During this period, the army returns and is about to capture 아미 is about to be captured but 불가사리 returns and makes the save. He is now man sized, though not for long.
The other rebels are shocked to see the creature, but 아미 delivers some of the greatest dialogue ever uttered: “He got this big by eating iron. Don’t worry, Pulgasari is kind!”
And he is kind! We are then treated to a montage from hell. There are battles, 불가사리 eating weapons, and some of the worst use of blue screen ever.
Worst use of blue screen ever…
The rebels now have the advantage, so the evil general hatches an evil plan with his evil cronies (one of whom has an evil eyepatch). The plan goes something like this: if they are able to capture 아미, they will have 불가사리 in the palm of their hands.
This plan works out perfectly, and the evil forces are able to capture 아미 as she is getting water. I find this unbeliveable, since while all the other rebels are having party time, the woman who controls 불가사리 is made to fetch water….damn you Confucius! Damn you! But I digress.
Come on! You think that can hold 불가사리?! Get real!
The evil general has 아미 and a big cage (pictured above). He tells 불가사리 to get in the cage, or 아미 will get it. 불가사리 goes into the cage, which is set on fire. But these dudes are mad stupid since apparently 불가사리 not only find metal extremely delicious, but is apparently made out of it as well. So instead of dying in this inferno, 불가사리 just turns red, hot, and really pissed off. The general and his men realize that they made a huge mistake and attempt to haul ass in some boats. 불가사리 jumps into the water, which boils due to his intense heat.
Shortly after this rebel victory, there is another battle. During this battle, the evil general has ballistas that are a lot more like rockets that huge crossbows. During the rocket attack, 불가사리 catches one in the eye.
It’s all fun and games until someone gets a ballista in the eye.
This does little to stop the fury that is 불가사리, and we are finally treated to the one thing people look for in giant monster movies (aside from an Asian kid in really short shorts), buildings getting smashed! This time it’s not Tokyo being destroyed, but a Korean style palace, which is pretty awesome.
The general has had enough of the rebels and their man in a rubber suit monster, so he comes to the conclusion that the only thing left to do is call in some 무당 (mudang). For those of you that did not study Korean history and culture, 무당 are for lack of a better word a shaman. These women were traditionally involved in exorcisms, fortune telling and other spiritual needs in traditional Korean society…but again I digress.
Bring in the 무당!
The general has a huge pit dug, and then using 무당, causes 불가사리 fall into this pit. The pit is quickly covered with rocks, and it appears that 불가사리 is done (the monster, not the movie). To make matters worse, 인댁 is captured and hanged for his crimes. Things seem pretty dire for the rebels.
아미 is not going to let the rebellion end like this, so she sneaks into some off the hook party being held on the site where 불가사리 was trapped. Plying some guards with alcohol, she goes onto the rock pile and slashes her arm. When her blood hits the rocks, 불가사리 is released from his rocky prison for more ass kicking action.
The general builds some cannons to end things once and for all. The cannons really rock the peasant army, but have little effect of 불가사리. The shots that get in his mouth just seem to piss him off more. 불가사리 then partakes in some more Korean palace clobbering time, and during this rampage, the king gets stepped on.
Godzilla style wreckage.
The rebels have won, but things are not right in the world. 불가사리 still needs to eat. There is a shot of towns people loading up a cart of iron goods (very similar to the beginning of the film) in order to feed the monster. 아미 realizes that unless something is done, 불가사리 will lead to more suffering and war.
아미 summons 불가사리 to a remote mountain area by ringing a temple bell, a bell she then hides in. 불가사리 then proceeds to eat the bell, and in the process eats 아미. He the (for some reason that was lost on me) turns to stone and explodes. A tiny 불가사리 is shown turning into a ball of blue light and flying into the corpse of 아미…the end!
The end.
The movie was kind of all over the place. For starters it was kind of odd that a North Korean film had the government portrayed as the enemies. I know in “real” communism this would fly, but the perverted form of communism the North Koreans have is all about respecting their leaders. The other thing was what exactly 불가사리 was supposed to represent. First he was good and then he was an unstoppable fury that needed to be destroyed, but when destroyed he came back to life…or did he? I’m not really sure.
Anyhow if you are a fan of giant monster movies, or Korean cinema check out 불가사리 for sheer kitsch value alone.
I think I would be remiss if I never mentioned “Fuckin’ USA.” The subtitles reveal this as a North Korean produced video, and while the visuals may in fact be North Korean in origin, I’d have to say the song is a product of my current nation of residence.
The first reason for this assumption comes from the dialectic differences between the language of North and South Korea. In addition to having different pronunciations, the two nations have different words for many things. Take “Korea” for example.
In the South, people use the word, “북한 (北韓)” when talking about North Korea. In the North, people use the word “조선 (朝鮮)” instead of “북한.” “Fuckin’ USA,” makes use of the word “북한,” a term no self respecting North Korean would to refer to their home country.
The second reason I believe the song to be from the South is the mention of the USA stealing “our medal.” This is a reference to the Apollo Ono debacle of the 2002 winter Olympics. The medal in question was “stolen” from a South Korean, and is something most North Koreans wouldn’t even know about.
The lyrics and sheet music for this sure to be classic song.
But the main reason I believe this to be a product of the South is the music itself. Listen to that quasi-hard rock sound. The use of the English language. The instruments used. All these things point to a South Korean creation.
For a point of comparison I present you with this, the mother load of North Korean music. That’s roughly 200 North Korean tunes there, none of which come anywhere close to sounding like “Fuckin’ USA.” The bulk of All of the North Korea songs sound like something out of a different time (or universe). While “Fuckin’ USA,” is not the most modern sounding track, it does not sound like something out of the 1930s or 40s (with 1970s instrumentation).
I’m leaving for Hong Kong in less than 24 hours, so this wil be the last update on this page for awhile. I leave you with this frightening report out of Pyongyang.
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA-Responding to mounting pressure and increasingly confrontational rhetoric from the outside world, North Korean president Kim Jong Il unfolded into a 70-foot-tall, 62-ton giant robot Monday.
Above: Kim Jong Il marches through the streets of Pyongyang.
“The DPRK’s nuclear program is very much its own business, as is its right to determine its own path of security,” said Kim, his torso splitting along ventral seams as clusters of Taepo-Dong ICBMs rose from his shoulders. “Any attempt by Washington to decide our fate will surely result in a sea of fire being unleashed upon them.”
As his arms and legs sheathed themselves in bulletproof Mecha-Muscle telescoping outward from his chest, Kim reiterated his refusal to bow to international demands.
“Constant criticism from outside indicates mistrust of our promise to refrain from missile tests,” said Kim, speaking over the mechanical shriek of wingblades sprouting from his back. “Only trust from the U.S. that we will keep our word can prevent World War III.”
“The imperialist West is holding my country to standards which it does not see fit to meet itself,” continued Kim, his voice now a metallic, digitized boom emanating from somewhere within the titanium helmet sheathing his head. “This does not surprise me, as they are well-famed for their lies.”
“Pyongyang Dynamo Power Punch!” added Kim, as he released his fist-modules skyward with twin robotic uppercuts.
While the Bush Administration remains publicly confident that a diplomatic solution can be reached, top officials admit that the situation has become more complicated.
Above: A South Korean border soldier eyes Kim Jong Il in the Demilitarized Zone.
“If we add Kim Jong Il’s transformation into a giant robot to his already defiant isolationist stance and his country’s known nuclear capability, the diplomatic terrain definitely becomes more rocky,” U.S. envoy James Kelly said. “Kim has made it clear that, if sufficiently threatened, he will not hesitate to use nuclear weapons or his arm-mounted HyperBazooka.”
Added Kelly: “We are also forced to consider the possibility that Kim may attempt to robo-meld with other members of the Axis of Evil, forming a MegaMecha-Optima-Robosoldier. Kim would make a powerful right arm-or even a torso-for such a mechanism.”
During a visit Monday to the Demilitarized Zone dividing the Korean peninsula, Kim stressed that his transformation was not an act of aggression, but rather an attempt to defend his nation’s autonomy.
“The DPRK must not be subject to the whims of an international coalition with no regard for the welfare of the Korean people,” said Kim before stomping the ground with his foot, unleashing a devastating ring of energy that vaporized nearby reporters and military vehicles. “Catastrophic Valiant Kim-Chee Earthquake Stomp-Kick!”
I hook you kids up with some the complete Hong Kong report upon my return. Later fellas.
