西洋오랑캐

The other day I was in the midst of my daily 5 kilometer run (aka balancing on a moving strip of plastic until a meter displayed 5.00 kM) and watching a little television. Because I usually rock out to some sort of tunes while in the gym, I watch something like Discovery Channel (since it has Korean subtitles) or pro-wrestling since I need no sound. On this particular day in question, the batteries on my mp3 player crapped out at the 1.00kM mark. So I actually watched some television.

Flipping through the channels I found the show, Let’s Speak Korean on Arirang. Let’s Speak Korean was a pretty decent show…emphasis on the word “was.” Back in the day the show was actually informative, the host, Stephen Revere was funny, and the presented advanced enough material that I actually learned things. Oh they also had students…students that were clearly better than me. Not anymore.

This new version of Let’s Speak Korean is terrible! For starters the material covered is really basic junk. This is actually the thing that bugs me the least; in fact I’m a little bit proud that everything I’ve seen is so easy. I actually yelled, “HA! I already know that!” at the TV, which got me a few weird looks for the middle aged ladies that were jogging nearby. Also gone is Stephen Revere, replaced with some Korean dude known as Young. Again I don’t really have a problem with Young. He breaks it down decently, but I never drank beers with him so I don’t know how cool he actual is. What bugs me more is not Young’s arrival, but the fact that the lady named Lisa is still there. She just bugs me. She kind of comes off as really condescending. Again this part is not that bad. She was there before and the show was fine. What bugs me the most is the new “student” guy.

This dude is a total moron! For starters his pronunciation is terrible. If I want to hear foreigners speak Korean poorly I’d record myself and play it back. This is a show that’s supposed to help foreigners learn Korean…get some people on there that can actually speak it. But even this is not that awful. I can kind of see the producer being like, “Let’s get an actual rookie. Other rookie speakers will be less threatened by someone who is making mistakes.” More than his inability to remember similar grammar or vocabulary (”Airport가 어디에요?”), his foreigner caricature makes me want to break some faces.

If you’ve ever seen any English language education show on EBS, you know of the “whiteface” for lack of a better word that a lot of the native speakers engage in. “HI!!!!!! I’M WHITE AND SPEAKING ENGLISH!!!! I’M OUT OF CONTROL!!!! ARE YOU READY TO LEARN ENGLISH!?!?!?!” “Yeah Isaac, we’re ready to learn English…stop dancing please.” Yeah, this guy does it too. Maybe I’m just Oscar the Grouch, but I don’t want to learn anything for a dude that’s dancing around like he’s Barney all going, “WOW!!! SO THIS IS KALBI?!?!?!” Forget you Let’s Speak Korean! I’m going back to Integrated Korean with Michael, the foreigner that speaks perfect Korean, but has never heard of bulgogi before. At least he remembers all the grammar.

BRAWALLLLLLL!!!!

Ok I just needed to get that out of my system. Today I’m going to talk to you about TV in Korea, but not the fun kind. Or even the non-fun kind that middle-aged Japanese ladies seem to be all about. Nor am I going to talk about the TV shows that are pretty much Super Sloppy Double Dare only they have celebrities doing the assinine stunts instead of elementary school kids. Nope today I’m going to rap at you about the fantastic world of Korean reality television.

Oh I’m sorry, did I say “fantastic?” I intended to say “depressing.” Moving on!

I am completely aware that America has a big chunk of “reality” television, but the vast bulk of it is so over the top it’s not even real. I mean Fear Factor? What’s real about that? I for one have never encountered an event in which I had to eat cow’s hearts…oh wait I did! But still you get my point. The Real World?! Hot 20 year olds living in amazing houses rent free? Yeah that’s real! Anyhow America reality TV of all stripes from COPS to The Real World is largely successful because the characters on it are so over the top and insane, that whatever weird shit you have going on seems completely normal by comparison (”Hell I might not have gotten laid is three months, but at least I’m not nude and being taken to the pavement on COPS.”)

Korean reality television is a different beast entirely. Here the bulk of the reality television features total real people, but 9 out of 10 times these people are in the most depressing situations. They are either physically deformed, poor and living in some dwelling that barely qualifies as a house, or a woman with some sort of problem that requires her face be blurred out and her voice altered for the entire course of the television show.

Even seemingly innocent non-human based programs like TV동물농장 (TV Animal Farm) will fall into this mode and present a story about some dog with two legs, or a cat that a lady found in a mail box and now it has no fur and looks like a monster or a rat or some manner of monster rat.

But of all the depressing television programs that exist here, the absolute worst…or best if depression is your thing is the show called 아침마당 (Morning Yard). The premise of this show is pretty simple. First people come on and sing. Then they are judged by a pannel of experts…oh I’m sorry did I say experts, I meant “talent,” as well as call in votes from home. Sounds a little like the show American Idol doesn’t it? Well the singing and phone-in votes are where the similarities end.

Unlike American Idol, one does not even need to be able to carry a tune in order to win at 아침마당. What you need my friend is a sob story (save for special episodes around the holidays which feature foreigners, and even then a sob story helps). It works like this: contestant (usually a team of two people) come on stage and do some quick talent (usually dancing or copying some popular lines from a comedy show), and then the hosts ask them to tell their story. The story usually involves a parent suffering from some heinous disease (usually some sort of cancer), so they want to come on the show and win a trip to Jeju-do, since that’s what the winner gets, and as any doctor will tell you trips to Jeju-do cure cancer. So after this little story (bonus points if tears are shed), the people perform and the general public now calls in and votes.

I’ve seen this show countless times and can usually tell who’s going to win based on story alone. Sometimes if two people have particularly sad stories, singing ability sometimes comes into play, but usually not. Anyhow it’s probably the weirdest show I’ve ever seen in my life.

I know that back in the United States we have our share of people / animals with problems reality television, but in America these stories are more likely than not presented in an inspirational manner. “Sure I lost my eye sight when I was a child, but now I record piano based pop songs. If I can do it, so can you!” The shows here are more like, “Hey, this is my shitty life. Oh my hour’s up…thanks for coming,” and when they finish the viewer is depressed. Well, perhaps not all viewers, but I’m depressed, and since this is my website I’m the only one that matters.

But it’s not just these reality programs that are depressing. The “dramas” (soap operas) usually end in a depressing manner, as do a large percentage of Korean films, and songs and music videos. What’s the reason for all of this? My guess: Han.

One of the best things about Korean television shows is the fact that producers here realize that there is something intrinsically funny about people that don’t know how to dance attempting to do so. For this reason pretty much every single game show here features dance contests that have very little to do with anything else.

Occassionally they will feature pop singers who will bust out decent dance moves, but then there are the comedians, actors, athletes, and game show hosts. The rule seems to be that if one is not a trained professional, instead of trying to wow people with your moves, it’s better to make them laugh.

Here we have former ssirum wrestler turned talk show host (because that’s a transition that makes a lot of sense) 강호동 (Kang Hodong) busting some moves on television.

And if you happen to need more Kang Hodong, check out this here commerical. Or if you happen to like former ssirum wrestlers busting funky dance moves, check out this post featuring Choi Hong-man busting similarly redankulous moves.

Dooly is a cartoon baby dinosaur. He is very famous in Korea, and I have mentioned him before (as well as provided a drawing of a cement mixer with human features and a killer flame job) in this here post. Anyhow, like I said Dooly is famous. He was in some movies and some television shows, and on lunch boxes, and pretty much had all the perks awarded to the Smurfs (or GI Joe) in America in the 1980s. That being said, this is his theme song.

However, Dooly, unlike either the Smurfs, or GI Joe, or the Transformers for that matter had something attached to his name that no American cartoon will likely ever have associated with it. Dooly has a 판소리 (pansori) tune written about him.

Any questions?

Fist of the North Star was/is a fairly famous comic book / cartoon / franchise in Japan, and apparently it was popular enough in other areas to warrant a South Korean live action version. Much like the live action Korean Street Fighter, the production values of this show are well…lacking, but if you like your Korean men with facial hair and kicking with trailing effect, then definately check this video out!

I’m seriously turning into a sports fan or something. It’s only a matter of time before I start posting about fantasy baseball leagues, office pools, and the big game. God help me!

So last night I watched some sort of soccer match between the Korean national team and the team from Ghana. Korea ended up being defeated (3-1), but that’s beside the point. This game was held in Scotland, but looking at the crowd in the stands (or the signage for that matter) one would not have known it. A good 90% of the spectators (or at least 90% of the spectators shown on television) were Koreans sporting Be The Reds or Go Togethers t-shirts bellowing “대~~한민국!”

As I watched this game I got to wondering about the crowd. Were these people Korean that happened to live in Great Britain? The continent of Europe? Or were these people that flew from South Korea to go watch a warm up in Scotland? So if you have any information about this (population of Koreans residing in Great Britain [Scotland in particular], number of flights from Incheon International Airport to Scotland, ect.) please leave a comment.

Ah ramen (or as it is known in Korean, 라면)! The food of the college gods. Well, in Korea (as well as other Asian nations), ramen is a perfectly acceptable food item that has no stigma of total poverty attached to it…instead it carries with it the stigma of a lack of time or a lack of cooking skill. Today for your pleasure, and no other reason, I give you this 1960s ad for ramen.

I have mentioned 김흥국 before, and have discussed in great detail how totally awesome he is. For those of you not yet convinced of his awesomeness, behold this clip! This clip features Mr. Kim being shot at with lasers, screaming, and transforming into some sort of costumed Power Ranger-esque hero to save a girl. Just watch it…the entire thing cannot be explained.

Long before Bae Yong-joon (배용준) transformed into Japanese superhero Yong-sama (ヨン様), he was just a guy walking around cold and hungry. The year was 1994, and on a bitter winter’s eve Yong-sama and his buddy were attempting to score some ramyeon and perhaps some beret wearing ladies. Anyway, this commercial raises one important question in my mind, and that is: Is this guy ever not wearing a sweater and scarf combo?

It’s offical! I now know what I want for my birthday. No, not a Samsung Econo television set. I want an owl. I want an owl wearing a graduation cap. I want an owl wearing a graduation cap that speaks Korean. No, I want an owl wearing a graduation cap that speaks Korean with huge levels of reverb on his voice. That’s what I want. Check this ad fr0m the 1970s if you need to see an example.

This commercial is utterly sureal. Bizarre shark puppet attacks kids and moms partying on a raft at the beach which prompts the kids to chow down on shark shaped frozen treats. This commercial from the 1980s is for the 죠스바 brand popsicle, which is still avalible in the mean streets of Korea (though at a price slightly higher than the ￦100 that is shown on the bar in the commercial). Like every vintage commercial I’ve come across this ad features the He-man yelling, “I HAVE THE POWER”-esque reverb on all vocals.

The use of extension cords was such a problem in 1970s Korea that something had to be done. Government officals were frozen with fear. Fortunately the 금성 corporation was willing to look the Extension Cord Menace right in the eyes (or sockets…whatever the case might have been) and put together this informative spot educating people on the correct way to plug appliances in. Even though the add is 30 something years old, the message it holds is still the same. Technology is evil and must be stopped by limiting the number of items we plug in, we are limiting our dependence on technology. It’s the Matrix dude…it’s so deep and junk. If you don’t unplug the TV, how can you yourself get plugged in? Woah…that’s so deep!

All deep philosophical revelations aside, this is a 1970’s public service announcement about the safe way to use electrical sockets. It’s a cartoon, and it has that same reverb effect on the vocal that all Korean film of that era seems to have. Check it out…it’s pretty fun.

Have any of you ever seen a Korean music video (aside from the hard rockin’ nonsense I’ve posted here)? Quick…what’s a common theme that runs through each and every music video (again excluding the mighty hard rockin’ nonsense I post here)? “Someone dies?” Who said that? That’s absolutely right!

Korean music videos tend to be fairly melodramatic affairs, and chances are that someone is going to die. While the odds are someone is dying in the video, the cause of death is not always so obvious. In the 3 years or so that I have been exposed to Korean pop, I’ve seen some pretty insane causes of death depicted in various pop singers’ music videos.

So odd were some deaths that I had no choice but to create a game around it. I call it “The K-pop Cause of Death Game™.” The rules are fairly simple: at the onset of the music video players declare who in the video will die, and what their cause of death is going to be. At the close of the video players that correctly guess the cause are rewarded a point. Play ends when players are bored, and the player with the highest score wins. The game also works as a drinking game. The rules are similar except under these rules, players correctly guessing cause of death are not required to drink during the next video.

“Wyatt, this is all well and good for those of you living in Korea, but what about us in ?”

Fear not readers in Kenya, The Czech Republic, Sweden, and Cameroon! The internet is here to hook you up! Youtube has a vast array of Korean pop videos just waiting for you! When using youtube (or watching Korean MTV for that matter), performance videos (PV) or anything with a disco beat are not worth playing during, since no one is going to die.

So there you have it kids! The K-pop Cause of Death Game™. Enjoy!

The K-pop Cause of Death Game™ is a trademark of Kimchi & Me Enterprises. Kimchi & Me does not promote or encourage The K-pop Cause of Death Game™ to be played as a drinking game, and any death, damage, or legal woes which may arise from improper use of The K-pop Cause of Death Game™ are the responsibilty of the parties involved. Also don’t blame us if you have to hear some seriously god awful tunes!

I was unaware of the fact that Chow Yun-Fat (周潤發 / 주윤발) could speak Korean. You were too? Well he can, and he does, here in this 1989 commercial for that most insane of all junk food, Milkis. For those not in the know, Milkis is a carbonated milk beverage, that tastes surprisingly good. Anyhow if you like Hong Kong action stars, the 1980s, helicopters, the Korean language, and carbonated milk beverages, definately check this commercial out.

Today’s nostalgia from a country I only recently started living in, and a time that I never lived through ever, is this 1970s commercial for 오뚜기 brand curry. I particularly enjoy this commercial due to the fact that for a good 2 years or so I lived on this stuff, since it’s incredibly easy to prepare (as is clearly evident in the commercial). Only since my marriage has 오뚜기 curry gone from being a staple food to that special treat. “Tonight’s curry night?! Awesome!” Also it’s nice to know that 漢字 were still widely enough in use as to appear in a commercial geared towards housewives circa 1975.

It should be fairly obvious by now, that perhaps I have a strange obsession with Korea’s current king of the 꽃미남, Mr. 이준기. I mean I’ve written about him not once, but twice already, and am about to do so once again, but this is the end…maybe.

이준기

So those of you that actually read this nonsense know about 이준기 already, but you may not be aware of a Korean celebrity named 바다. 바다 is a pop singer that first got her start in the 1990’s girl group, S.E.S. She is now a solo artist, and recently unleashed another album of vapid pop tunes on the unsuspecting masses, which means of course she has to go on every television show to pimp her album.

Korea does not (to my knowledge) have an equivelent concept to the late night talk show where celebrities can appear, talk about their latest film or album, shake the host’s hand, and exit stage right. What they have instead are an assortment of game shows, quiz programs, and variety shows where celebrities can appear, make asses of themselves, and in the process let the public know that they are doing something new.

So as I mentioned before, 바다 has a new album out and I’ve been seeing her face all over my TV screen, and as I watched her attempt to speak English or avoid getting hit with a frying pan, or play soccer, or whatever other insane stunts producers make celebrities do on television, I noticed something odd about her appearance.

바다

For those of you with no short term memory, scroll up and look at 이준기 once more…then look at 바다. Do you notice anything strange? They look exactly the same! This is some sort of bizarre alternate reality stuff. 바다, a female, returns with a look that copies 이준기, a man who has a look a lot like a woman. It’s kind of hard for me to wrap my head around. Then again, 이준기 is a very pretty girl…I mean man.

If you are like me, chances are you were born sometime in the late 1970s or early 1980s. Additionally if you are like me you will on occassion reference random pieces of pop-culture from this time period in your day to day speech. The problem that arises is that when speaking Korean, this characters and shows are often non-existant…or so it may seem.

Often it is the case that some of the shows have completely different names. So for your benefit, I have complied this list of television programs from my childhood (late 1970s - early 1990s) for you to use in your next conversation. I apologize to any non-Americans who may read this, as the shows mentioned here are for the most part American (though I’m sure most of bore witness to this crap as well).

That’s it for the time being. If you have any corrections, or additional programs you feel I have overlooked, please leave a comment so that I can rectify such oversights and errors.

Thanks to Jay Lee, Joel, Jeff, et. al for alerting me to several crucial absences in this list.

I enjoy myself some Chinese epic literature…it makes me feel smarter than I actually am. So as a good scholar I’ve taken it upon myself to read the classics. I’ve read 三國志 (Romance of the Three Kingdoms), 肉蒲團 (The Carnal Prayer Mat), and of course 西遊記 (Journey to the West). In all fairness, I’ve not read any of them in Chinese…though I have read two of the three (三國志 and 西遊記) in Korean for what that’s worth. Anyhow of those texts I would have to rank Journey to the West as my personal favorite. It’s the right mixture of humor and adventure and avoids getting into men undergoing surgery to have dog penises attached to their own manhood (Carnal Prayer Mat…I’m talking about you buddy!)

So I’ve read the book in English and Korean, and I’ve seen some of the television adaptions, all of which have been fairly enjoyable. So imagine my surprise when the other morning I came across a local Korean animated version of the tale.

Originating in the late 80s or early 90s, 날아라 슈퍼보드 (Flying Superboard) takes the story of 손오공 and his posse and gives them some slight modifications. For starters 손오공 (孫悟空 / Monkey) no longer has control of a cloud on which he can fly, but instead is equipped with some sort of magical skateboard on which he can fly. Additionally instead of a magical staff, he has a pair of nunchucks…in all the episodes I’ve seen it’s not really clear if these nunchucks are magical, or just cooler.

손오공 still travels with 저팔계 (豬八戒 / Pig), who is still a stupid, greedy, glutton. Unlike the original character this version does not do combat with a rake, instead he’s equipped with a bazooka…seriously. How GI Joe is that?! Like 저팔계, 사오정 (沙悟凈 / Sand Monster) differs primarily in his weaponry. While 손오공 and 저팔계 may have gotten weapons upgrades, this version of 사오정 is weilding a pair of 뿅뿅이망치, and that’s just weak. In addition to this, the characters all haul ass all over the place in a badass jeep machine, that looks like it could very well have been a GI Joe vehicle.

So while traditionalists might be put off by these changes, I for one am willing to let them slide, especially when you take into consideration the awesomeness of the opening theme song. That’s right, like all good cartoons, 날아라 슈퍼보드 has a kick ass theme song. A kick ass theme song I’ve gone to the trouble of presenting here. Take it away my uploaded Youtube file!

And because I love you all, as a super special bonus here are 13 episodes you can watch at home. But since I don’t love you that much the episodes are all in the lowest possible quality Real Media form. MWAHAHAHA!

If one were to ask me who my favorite Korean celebrity was I would not answer Boa, or 이효리, or (insert other sexy lady here). Nor would I respond 박찬호, or Jae Seo, or any other Korean athlete. No friends, my favorite celebrity would have to be 김흥국 (Kim Hong-guk).

There was a time when all one needed to become a major celebrity in Korea was a white jumpsuit and a mustache. It was at this time (the early 1990’s) that 김흥국 was the height of masculinity…his sexy mustache and even sexier dance movies would cause the women to all swoon…or buy ice cream treats. 김흥국 was a man all the women wanted and all the men wanted to be.

Sadly those days seem to have passed, and now 김흥국 makes a living appearing on random television shows mainly as a throwback to another era…kind of like Dee Snyder on all those VH-1 specials in the United States. He’ll show up on a program, bellow, “Look at my mustache,” and perhaps do a goofy laugh or two.

The following video serves as a reminder to the greatness that 김흥국 once possesed. Never forget!

Long time readers of this here webpage, or residents of Korea may already know of Mr. Lee Jun-gi (이준기), and how handsome he is. So I don’t really find it odd at all that companies want to get him to endorse their products. I mean he has an army of middle school aged girls waiting to obey his every command. What I don’t understand is why the producers of this commercial elected to have him sing. His voice is pretty awful. So awful is it that I can accurately immitate it (I am a horrible singer as well), and my wife cringes and either immediately changes the channel or leaves the room when it comes on the television. Anyhow…the commercial might be horrible, but the juice is not that bad. Apparently I am a pretty girl.

And here are you vocabulary words of the day. Be sure to study them as there will be a test next week.

미녀 (美女) - a pretty woman
석류 (石榴) - a pomegranate
좋아하다 - to like
Sample sentence: 미녀는 석류를 좋아해. Pretty girls like pomegranate.

꽃보다 남자…”Man That (Looks) Better Than a Flower.” It’s a pretty stupid term isn’t it? Somehow with the sucess of the film 왕의 남자 this term began showing up on all the Korean versions of Entertainment Tonight, and in all the fashion magazines. What exactly is a “Man that looks better than a flower?” Well friends, today we are going to do an in depth and comprehensive study as to what makes one a 꽃보다 남자.

These lads, for those of you that don’t happen to be 14 year old Chinese girls, are F4. F4 are some sort of Taiwanese ensemble, perhaps singers that were the hunky lead actors in a Taiwanese television program Meteor Garden (流星花園), based on a Japanese comic book, Hana Yori Dango (花より男子). This show aired in Korea, and for some reason, I briefly become all about it.

This program became my first exposure to Flower Men, primarily due to the fact that in Korea it was given the title, 꽃보다 男子. So in my first understanding of the term, 꽃보다 남자, was simply an Asian man with long hair strong jaws, and muscles that make the young girls swoon. And apparently I wasn’t that far off the mark. The series finished it’s run and that was the last I heard of 꽃보다 남자…until this winter.

The winter of 2005 / 2006 brought about the Korean film of the year, 왕의 남자. For those of you unfamiliar with this film, I turn you over to Joel of About Joel, who has a much better thought out and reasoned write up of this film than I could ever hope to create. I’ll wait for you, I promise….

Ok I see you are back. The above picture is 이준기 (Lee Jungi), the current King of the Korean Flower Men. In the film, this was the actor portraying the character kings assumed was a woman (or perhaps knew was a man and didn’t mind). Anyhow, as the film become more and more successful the press (and high school girls) started paying a lot of attention to 이준기 and his looks. The phrase 꽃보다 남자 came back, and my understanding of the term changed.

No longer did I assume it was muscled Asian dudes with nice hair and Superman-esque jaws. Now I was under the impression that the term referred to men that looked like women. “Ah! So 하리수 (Korean post-op transgender Harisu) is the ultimate 꽃보다 남자.” Apparently it doesn’t work that way. The second you have breasts (topless pictures of Harisu…avoid if you have problems with such things), you apparently become ineligable for 꽃보다 남자 status.

So I went back to the drawing board and came up with this theory…if you are a decent looking man and attract hordes of girls to scream and show up anywhere you go, then you are a 꽃보다 남자. Though this is the thing I don’t really understand. Here we have men that are prettier than the girls idolizing them…it would be kind of like American men lusting after big burly women that compete in Lumberjack Games, or have sex with the 1-2-3 Kid.

Anyhow, I’m going to go cut pictures of hot guys out of my Tiger Beat magazines and hang them on my walls…thanks a lot diary, you’re the only one who understands me!

I don’t understand alot of Korean television. I mean, I understand the words coming out of the actors and actress’ mouths, but I don’t get the appeal of some of it. I don’t really understand how people jumping up and down screaming the same catchphrase week after week can be seen as funny to anyone other than some kindergarten students, yet that is exactly what most comedy programs here consist of. And then there are the dramas. While there are a couple shining stars in the realm of Korean drama, there’s also a lot of crap…and I mean a lot of crap.

So with that being said I don’t really watch much television. There are a couple game shows I’ll check out if only to see celebrities making asses of themselves for no reason, and there have been some mini-series and short lived sitcoms I have enjoyed, but recently I came across a program that I know has existed at least as long as I’ve been here, but never really watched until recently. That show is SBS’s outstanding show about animals entitled TV 동물농장 (TV Animal Farm).

By watching this show I realized a universal truth about humanity. While humor and what is funny will differ from culture to culture, all people find animals doing stupid things to be funny, aside from jerks in PETA who would probably have a sense of outrage at the things protrayed in this show. While a lot of American shows about wildlife are funny because of the hosts (Crocodile Hunter I’m talking to you buddy), TV 동물농장 has the animals on center stange to showcase their insanity.

The other thing I like about this particular show is that it’s not all wild and crazy animals. I mean some weeks there will be stories about zebras or elephants running roughshod on African mango farmers crops, but other times it will be about a dog that has some odd talent, or some woman’s pet cats. And then there was the story that really served as the impoteus for this post: the story of 스모모 (Sumomo).

Sumomo is a monkey that comes to us via the land of Hello Kitty and nasal abuse pornography, Japan. For reasons not fully explained the keepers of Sumomo have trained him to go shopping while accompanied by a pitbull. A pitbull which serves double duty as pack mule, and occassionally monkey stead. I don’t care what country you live in, a monkey buying cigarettes out of a vending machine is funny stuff.

You don’t believe me? Included below are two short clips of Sumomo in action. Additionally if any people living in Japan have any information on Sumomo (mainly how to write correctly write his name in Japanese) please feel free to drop some comments.

This clip explains Sumomo’s mission: to walk 5 kilometers to a supermarket and buy two bananas. He is distracted by an arcade before begining his trek.

This clip features Sumomo heading for the supermarket. He stops at a vending machine for a cold beverage, but accidently gets a pack of cigarettes. Finally he arrives at the shop and successfully completes his mission.

I don’t watch much television these days, but on occassion I will scan my television and promptly get thrown into a fit of rage by the crap I see, and then promptly smash my television up with a pair of nunchucks. Last week I bore witness to something that not only caused me to smash my television, but always jam chopsticks into my ears in an attempt to render myself deaf.

I give you i-13!

If this picture turns you on and you are over the age of 16 get the crap outta here!

Here in Korea it seems that for mainstream artists, it is more important to have a gimmic than any actual talent which is why there are groups with names written in 漢字 (東方神起 I’m looking in your direction), groups made up entirely of transsexuals (Lady), and groups consisting of kindergarten students (7 공주). I-13 has not one, but two gimmics. Gimmic number one is the fact that there are 13 fucking people in this group. Gimmic number two is the fact that they are all under 18 years old…kind of like Menudo I suppose.

Both of this gimmics are completely horrible. There might be 13 people in the group, but they sound no different for a group with 5 people…meaning they all suck and are pro-tooled to high hell, but that is pop music in general so I don’t really hold much against them. Except that there are 13 of them, probability would have it that at least one of them would have some talent…guess not.

The second gimmic is more horrific to me. All of these girls are elementary, middle, or high school students…yet here they are attempting to act “sexy.” If Jenny Jones taught me anything it’s that girls attempting to act sexy while in middle school are totally beat. I don’t totally blame these girls for this though. No, I blame the parents. Like I said, these girls are all underaged, so they need their parents to sign off on this nonsense. What kind of parent thinks that it’s a good idea to let their 10 year old daughter dress like a stripper and dance around on television.

So anyhow, I hate i-13. If you want to see why I hate them, check out this here video. Just be forwarned, it’s awful. Oh and check out the intro where they introduce all 13 members of the group, complete with their special 漢字 like they are some kind of Power Ranger or some nonsense (”It’s Morphin’ Time! 丑!!!). The intro is almost longer than the actual song, which doesn’t really surprise me since there are 13 fucking people in this group….

Oh how I hate Gwyneth Paltrow, let me count the ways! For starters, she is Cameron Diaz only instead of being a dumb blonde, she is a self-righteous dumb blonde. To quote the great sage and poet of our times, MC Hammer, “You think you’re better than me? That’s foolish!”

Next up, she’s married to the asshole from Coldplay, which has to be the most retarded band ever. “Hi, we are in Coldplay, we make the same album of bland, inoffensive ‘rock’ again and again, and morons keep buying it!”

Lately, for some reason, Mrs. “I Breed With a Member of Coldplay” has become quite the corporate whore. First she accepted a multimillion dollar deal with the manufactures of iPods, and Apple ][, Apple Computers to name her unholy spawn of Coldplay, Apple, and now here in Korea I have to see her face all over television and the sides of buses, whoring herself for a clothing company named Beanpole.

I’d not heard of Beanpole prior to moving to Korea, and I have my doubts about Beanpole being a truly the “international” company as it’s webpage claims it is (since all searches I’ve done only turn up results for Korean pages). So perhaps Mrs. “I’m Cameron Diaz But Will Make You Feel Guilty About Looking At My Ass” Paltrow, thinks that she can fly under the radar, make some quick greenbacks (or won since this is Korea), and still act like she’s a serious actress who is seriously about her “craft.”

Well, fuck you Gwyneth, I’m on to you! And now the 12 people who read this website and live outside of Korea will be on to you too! Behold, the commercials!

I don’t know who the dude is, but hopefully he too is someone that takes their “craft” really seriously so people can yell about him being a “sellout” for appearing in these commercials.

Wow two posts in one day about crappy mainstream Korean music. Flipping through the television I came across a performance featuring five decent looking ladies doing some standard issue light weight pop music. I mention my low tolerance for boybands…well I have a slightly higher tolerance for girl groups. Their music videos are the reason God created a mute button.

So the video comes to a close and I see the group’s name for the first time: Redsox. I rubbed my eyes. “Are they serious? Are they baseball fans? Are they Bostonians? Wait, am I drunk?”

I decided to check it out online and see if there was indeed a group known as Redsox. Naver quickly confirmed what I had seen. But wait that’s not all!

Lee Hye-rim

This is 이혜림 (Lee Hye-rim), one of the members of the aforementioned Redsox. Like all good Korean websites, the Redsox website gives critical information about each of the ladies. The stats of Miss 혜림 were clearly the most interesting. Let’s examine them shall we?

생년월일: 1986년
신장: 172cm
체중: 44kg
특기: 포즈, 운동
학력: 명지대학교 재학 중

So lemme break it on down for those of you with no knowledge of Korean. The first item is her date of birth. She is apparently too cool for school and only provided the year of her birth (1986 if you are slow on the draw). Next up is her height. She is apparently 172cm tall, but I wonder if this height is taken while wearing high heels, since 172cm is really tall for a woman in this country. Next up her weight…44kg, damn metric system causing me to have no idea how much this is in pounds…all I know is it’s damn light. Since professional wrestlers being announced as weighing 215 pounds are subtitled as weighing 90 some-odd kilograms. She’s clearly less than a hundred pounds. 특기 is speciality or talent…or skill. 운동 is sports or exercise. Alright maybe she’s athletic, likes jogging, or shootin’ hoop. It’s something some people are good at and others are not. It’s a skill. But 포즈?! Oh, I’m sorry “pose.” Yup, she’s good at posing….that’s her talent. She’s highly skilled in getting ready to have pictures taken. Oh and the last part is boring, it just says that she’s currently attending Myeongji University. But posing?! Seriously…how is that a skill?

Now if you ever need to argue with a Red Sox baseball fan you can just be like, “At least no one on (insert your team here) lists posing as their talent!” Oh wait I’m confusing the baseball Red Sox with the singing Redsox. Whatever, go away I need to practice my poses!

I don’t often watch MTV here in Korea, and it’s not because I hate the Real World. Unlike in America, Korea’s MTV actually shows music videos and concerts and uh…music. No, the reason I don’t watch it is I have a very low tolerance level for things like ballads, crappy techno beats, and boy bands (which is pretty much what the mainstream Korean music industry is made up of).

But I digress, for some reason yesterday I watched an hour or so of music television. I came to the conclusion that being a singer in Korea must be the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is get some backing music featuring piano and sappy orchestras and then sing the following words and phrases in the “I want to be a large black man” r&b voice: 사랑해요 (love [as a verb]), 눈물 (tears), and 영원히 (eternally). From there all I’d have to do would be toss in a few lines of nonsensical English, or on occassion toss in one English word into a line that is otherwise completely in Korean (this word is usually “baby” or something dealing with time).

I then changed my plans again. I decided to simply do the flipside of what these Korean singers are working with, and write some songs in English and then include complete bullshit Korean passages in the song. So today for no reason what so ever I give you the lyrics to the song, “I Want To Be A Singer In Korea.”

I want to be a singer in Korea.
Then you’ll love me.
but you don’t love me.
Eternally!

Oh baby! (OH BABY!)
Yeah oh yeah baby!
Baby yeah baby baby!
Oh yeah baby!
Oh baby yeah yeah baby oh oh baby yeah!!

The Korean in the song is literally, “Give me one beer. I’m not a gangsta. Kimbab is delicious,” and 매일 is Korean for “everyday.” Now if you’ll excuse me I have some shitty techno beats to assemble before pianists arrive.

Holy crap, yesterday I saw the best show ever, and that show was Robo One! Do you remember when Battlebots first came out and you thought it would be so cool, but when you saw it you were disappointed because it was basically remote control cars with buzzsaws attached to it and not Rock em’ Sock em’ Robots style robots? Oh that was just me….

Robo One in full effect!

Anyhow Robo One is an ultimate fighting league where human shaped robots have a battle to the death…or until the mechanism that makes the robot stand up ceases functioning.

Now I’m not one hundred percent sure on the rules since most of the time I was laughing extremely loudly (since foot high robots attempting to kill each other is wicked funny), but I think they go something like this:

Two robots square off over a three round match. The robot scores points if he is able to knock the other robot to the ground. If the robot is unable to get up during a 10 count he is KO’d. I’m not sure what being KO’d does since in one match a robot got KO’d in the second round and returned for the third round.

But what makes this show the best ever? What doesn’t! First off you have tiny robots attempting to knock each other over. Most of the time the robot on the attack would fall over without toppling his opponent (which looked wicked funny), but when they were successful there would be slow motion replays of a robot getting tackled by another robot…which is extremely funny.

Another thing that was a sign of how totally awesome this show was, was their ref. The ref, for some reason was wearing rubber gloves, like it was an actual boxing match where bodily fluids would be shed. Now I don’t know a lot about robotics so perhaps human contact would mess up the robots…but now that I think of it, the kids manning the robots didn’t wear rubber gloves during the 1 minute rest periods between rounds. I guess the ref just didn’t want to risk catching robot AIDS.

And the other thing that was great was the fact that they had announcers calling all the action…and they were totally into it, and totally serious. If memory serves me correctly there was a certain level of irony with tounge firmly implanted in cheek in regards to Battlebots, but not here. The announcers were so into the battle.

“OH! Nice move from Ggumjjang!!!” (that was the other thing that ruled; they called the action while totally ignoring the human element…it was Ggumjjang the robot who was delivering a nice move, not Hong Gildong, the pasty faced college kid with the remote control).

Anyhow if you are in Korea and have the MBC Game channel on your cable system, check out Robo One on Saturday afternoons…and while looking for some pictures I learned of Robo One leagues in Japan and the US….so perhaps you too can see shuffling robots attempting to knock each other over. Check your local listing for time and avalibilty.

I have a new favorite Korean television show, and it is 두근두근체인지 (Dugeun Dugeun Change). I’m pretty sure the show is now only being shown in reruns (thanks Comedy channel), but when it originally aired I did not watch it.

Anyhow, from the outside the plot of the show is pretty straight forward: some girls like some guys, but these guys have eyes for other ladies. The ladies therefore go out of their way, bending over backwards attempting to win the hearts of the aforementioned dudes. That pretty much summarizes every single television program ever produced in South Korea…save for those programs that foreigners need a degree in Korean history to really understand (hahaha MBC I have one!).

But this show is no ordinary Korean drama. The girls are unable to get the attention of these dudes, because the girls are ugly. This is a major departure from most Korean dramas in which this rediculously beautiful girls are fighting over some asshole guy that cares more about his job working for some chebol, then he does about the fact that numberous hot ladies are trying to get on his jock. But again I digress. These ugly girls, need fear not for they have a secret weapon! These ladies have some magic shampoo that turns them from duds to studs…er ugly ladies into beautiful ladies.

Now here’s the reason I really like this show; in America where Hollywood attempts to pass off people like Jennifer Love-Hewitt as ugly by slapping some emo glasses on them and dressing them up in Steve Urkel gear, here they use a totally different actress to be the “beautiful girl.” It’s like, “Sorry actresses you are actually ugly…we need actual hot actresses to play you when you’re hot.”

That being said I think I have a crush on two out of three of the ugly girls…oh 박슬기, 조정린…wait what the shit am I talking about? I digress.

I’m hoping that by the end of this series (since all series in Korea have a definative ending) they give us some bullshit “true beauty comes from the inside” conclusion, but I’m not really holding my breath. That’s not the Korean drama way. The smart money is on all the characters dying.

Random Language Note: 두근두근 is the sound of a pounding heart. 체인지 is the word “change” written in 한글.

I’m not going to lie to you, I watch a lot of TV. A lot of TV. I’ve recently seen three fairly random items in my television viewing.

First up is a commercial for War of the Worlds. Now everyone in America is probably aware of the fact that Tom Cruise is insane, but over here witnessing his insanity is rare. We don’t have E! News or the Today show, so without the internet I would have no idea that Tom Cruise is nuts, and even then, it’s just stories. The other day I witnessed the afore mentioned commercial. It featured Mr. Cruise starring into a camera with manic eyes proclaiming something along the lines of, “Hi Korea, I’m Tom Cruise. Check out War of the Worlds this summer, it will scare the hell out of you! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!” All I have to say is now I too know that Tom Cruise is one creepy muthafucker.

Next up on this hit parade du jour is a piece of film I saw a couple days back. I was up late and was watching some random television. The program ended and the channel was going off the air for the night. Like all television stations the world over, this footage contained some nationalistic music and various “our country is so awesome” footage. You know the kind: shots of nature, national monuments, bald eagles…er cranes, flags, ecetra ecetra. This film included a fairly odd presentation of the Korean flag. They elected to use footage of the Korean flag being raised from the Olympics. The particular footage they used featured the Korean flag being raised over the United States and China, which I thought was kind of an odd choice to use.

The last segment comes to us from the good people at AFN Korea. This channel does not show normal commercials, instead they feature public service announcements, and little human interest stories dubbed “Why I Serve.” This segment has average service people talking about why they joined the military, and what the most important / rewarding part of the job is. Recently a new “Why I Serve,” has been airing. This features a guy who claims that the most rewarding part of the job is when he can help people during “salami diasters.” I think he wanted to say, “tsunami disasters,” bit perhaps I am wrong, and on occassion at Camp Casey or YungSen (horrid pronunciation of 용산 that dominates AFN) there are actual salami diasters. The first time I saw this spot I wanted to give the guy the benefit of the dobut, “I must of heard it wrong…he didn’t say salami disaster,” but alas each of my subsequent viewings have cemented the fact that this guy uttered the phrase “salami disaster.”

This morning during my pre-work, stare at random crap on TV while I use the internet time, I came across a odd Korean music video. The song itself was nothing spectacular, some random Korean techno-pop brought to us by 신지 of Korean techno-pop group Koyote fame, but some of the images displayed in the video were pretty bizarre.

I’m not sure what the video is for, it kind of looks like some soundtrack work for some cartoon, but that’s not the issue here. The biggest question to arise out of this video is what “yogurting” is. Seriously why is a noun being treated as a nominalized verb? It’s like, “Hey Wyatt can you come out to the club tonight?” “No sorry, I’m really busy tonight.” “With what?” “I’m busy yogurting.”

It is kind of odd to see Korean’s reaction to pop culture things from my childhood in America. First was U-rim’s reaction to Return of the Jedi. Today we are going to be examining my students’ reaction to the classic late 80s early 90s program, “Saved By The Bell.”

Saved By The Bell cast in all their neon color, and big hair glory.

Yesterday I showed an episode of Saved By The Bell to the middle school students I tutor on Saturday afternoon. For me it was more interesting to watch their reaction to the show than watch the actual show itself.

The particular episode in question had Kelly fail a science test. Zack in an effort to win Kelly’s heart (and get tickets to a George Michaels concert) has Screech tutor Kelly. This plan backfires and Kelly gets a crush on Screech. She ends up passing her test and wants to take Screech to the concert. Screech isn’t interested (”George Michaels? Why me…I hate him.”) and then explains that he and Kelly have very little in common and that dating wouldn’t work. Zack and Slater then swoop in to make the rebound, but Kelly is distraught and gives the tickets to the two guys and in a classic Saved By The Bell homoerotic moment, Zack and Slater plan a date to go see George Michaels together (which at present is even more homoerotic than it was at the time).

The most homoerotic picture on this webpage.

The reactions from my students to this was pretty outstanding. Each and every time Slater appeared on screen half the kids would errupt in riotous laughter. “LOOK AT HIM! HIS PANTS! HIS HAIR!” In all honesty the first time I saw him, I too smirked, as it’s been a few years since I saw Slater and his mullet and Zubaz pants, and had forgotten just how rediculous they were, but after the initial shock I was able to keep it together, my students were not.

In addition to the early 90’s disaster that was A.C. Slater, this particular episode featured Screech’s robot, Kevin. This particular robot made lame G rated jokes, but my students found them to be entertaining.

The episode also featured a couple kisses. Culturally this was kind of unusual. Here in Korea kissing is not appropriate to do in public, and it’s rarely shown on television. Even shows that feature a kiss, that kiss is more often than not faked (ie shot from the back of someone’s head so that you can’t see the actual kiss). The kisses in Saved By The Bell were little more than pecks on the cheek, but to see the react of my students you would have thought Kelly was preforming fellatio in the middle of the science classroom.

When my girlfriend returns home from work I somehow loose all rights to the television. The only program that she will ever stop on if I call out “Stop!” while she is flipping through the channels is Arirang TV’s Let’s Speak Korean. Other than that she has complete control and nothing I say counts.

I’m not going to say that my girlfriend has bad taste in television programs, because there are some show she selects that I would (and do) watch when she is not around, but more often then not she selects some crappy, poorly acted, over the top “drama.” Recently that drama has been, “결혼하고 싶는 여자 (The Woman Who Wants To Marry).” This is not the worst Korean program I’ve seen, or even the worst drama for that matter (the God awful “Hong Kong Express” gets that distinction), but the show is not breaking any new ground in the story. Basically like all Korean dramas, this drama tells the story of a girl lusting after a guy who has no interest in her, and her quest to attempt to win him over.

While the story has been done to death in this kind of show, in my viewing of this program, I realized something about the populous of Korea. Koreans have a bizarre tendancy to randomly use English while talking to each other. Bellow is an example of what I’m talking about:

PERSON 1: 배고파요. (I’m hungry.)
PERSON 2: 식당에 갈래? (Shall we go to a restaraunt?)
PERSON 1: 네, Let’s go! (Yes, Let’s go!)

I’d never noticed how prevelant this trend was until watching “결혼하고 싶는 여자” last night. In the episode, random English sentences (or single words) popped up roughly every three minutes. Since I was not familiar with the plot I had to ask my girlfriend if there was a rational explaination for this.

The heroines of this “outstanding” program. The one with the blue plastic penis brings to mind the song “Lola,” by The Kinks “She walked like a woman, but talked like a man.”

Since one woman in particular (the woman weilding the blue platic penis) was dropping huge ammounts of random English I had to ask if the character was supposed to be a 교포 (an overseas Korean), my girlfriend claimed she was not, and that, “she just likes English…now be quiet!”

So I shut up and started thinking, how often I’ve been on the subway and overheard Korean conversations that included random English for no reason at all. It’s not like in America I will be speaking to my native English speaking friends and will randomly start speaking in French (a language we studied in high school).

ME: Man I gotta pee. Ou est le salle de bain? (I haven’t studied French in almost seven years and am well aware of the fact the bulk of those words are probably spelled incorrectly).

I then realized that the bulk of Americans are monoligual, and those that are biligual don’t share a common second language. I mean at this point in my life I’m decent at Korean, one of my friends can speak fluent Spainish, and another Russian…it’s not like any of us could break out a second language and still be understood, unlike here where everyone studies English.

Still that being said, back when we were all studying French none of us walked around yelling crap like “Oh mon ami!” So I’m still perplexed as to why English is used by Koreans in conversations with other Koreans.